Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 7 of 12)

All Rights Reserved ©

July 11

July 11

Woke up without any problem this morning. I realize that such a declaration is an unnecessary introduction to a journal entry. However, given the fact that I have been continually waking up in sweat-soaked sheets for the past week and often hitting the snooze button for an hour or more, this morning was a vast improvement. Today was also the first day of me ditching The Clubhouse’s food plan, which meant that I needed to take the time to have a proper breakfast at home so that I wouldn’t be chowing down on croissants come 11 a.m.

A very successful morning. Lunch made, dishes washed, breakfast, and a quick morning workout. My body is fucked up after being in the sun for so long yesterday, though. I am very burnt. Shit. Red is not my color. My face is also a mess. I look like a decaying version of Tan Mom. I’m very dried out. Very ashy. Note to self: don’t let your broken toe get bitten by a horsefly, take a Benadryl, and then fall asleep in the sun.

I got to work a few minutes early, which was a rarity in itself. As far as workdays go, today was pretty great. If I’m going to work the front desk, I am happy to do it on a Monday. The Clubhouse is a ghost town on Mondays. If there are any members roaming around, they’re regulars who don’t require much attention. Today was an easy day. I spent a lot of time on the internet before I left at 4 p.m.

My estranged cousin Colin is in town visiting this week from New Hampshire. He reached out to me via Facebook Messenger this afternoon, and wanted to meet up for dinner tonight. I responded to Colin’s message right away, but didn’t hear back from him after that. I figured I would just start walking home from The Clubhouse after my shift. I made it far as the Eaton Centre, hoping the whole time that Colin wasn’t going to get back to me, or that he would bail on our dinner date. I don’t like to cancel plans, but I certainly don’t mind when others do. Then, it becomes an easy out for me. Unless it’s a romantic plan. In that case, I’m fucking pissed.

Anyway, I had made it all the way to the mall, at which point I received a message from Colin. He was doing some shopping near Kensington Market, and was ready to eat whenever. Damn it. I was tired! My original plan was for us to eat somewhere closer to the Witch Cave, but I decided that I would just meet Colin in Kensington Market, and we would go to Otto’s Berlin Döner. If I’m going to meet someone for food, I want it to be at a place I enjoy. I walked to Otto’s Berlin Döner, arrived ten pounds lighter because of all the sweat that had poured out of my chest, legs, and back, and Colin was waiting for me outside.

It was very strange seeing Colin again. Apart from today’s encounter, I’d only seen Colin once in the past 10 to 15 years. We’re first cousins, too. It’s so odd how my relationship with Colin and his brother Shane differs from any relationship on Mom’s side of the family.

However strange it might have been, it was also very nice to see Colin. It was a bit of a trip to see so many similarities between us. I mean, we do share a bloodline after all. To avoid any awkward moments of silence, our meeting was mostly me asking Colin a thousand questions. This was likely why I had finished my meal before Colin had taken a second bite of his sandwich.

Colin and I talked about everything – family, relationships, drag queens, and work. We covered all the bases. The strangest thing was listening to Colin’s stories, and then thinking about his family history. The apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree. Colin admitted to having come from a pretty messed up family dynamic, compared to my stable one. Colin also told me that his last relationship ended because he cheated on the guy, and that he had recently cut off all communication with his half-sister, Taylor. Hmm. Sound familiar? It was odd to hear all of that. I couldn’t help but compare Colin’s admissions to the stories my parents had told me about Aunty Sandra over the years. Colin has not had it easy.

We wrapped up at the restaurant. I was dying out. Although I had hoped Otto’s Berlin Döner would be the end of our reunion and that I could go home and exercise, Colin said that he could walk wherever I had to go. I told a half lie, which was that I had to go to a birthday event. That was true, because I was planning on meeting Ross Brochant for his birthday later this evening. But, that was in Trinity Bellwoods Park – not in the Village, which was the direction we had started walking in.

Along the way, I made Colin stop by a 7-Eleven with me. It was Free Slurpee Day! From there, we continued our walk east. Naturally, I ran into Bryan on the street. Of all people! It was the first time I had seen Bryan in months. I don’t think I even gave our run-in two seconds before I blurted out that Colin was my cousin. I didn’t want Bryan getting any ideas. It was a very awkward encounter. Almost as awkward as the confused half hug we gave one another as a greeting. Bye!

Colin and I parted ways at Yonge Street and College Street, and I went home. I was adamant that I wanted a full workout today, so I did my thing on the floor and then cleaned myself up before heading out to pick up beer and donuts for Ross’s park event. I arrived around 9 p.m., at which point the group of mostly strangers had been there for two hours. It was nice, though. I laid out my blanket on the edge of the crowd, and tried to fit in. I wasn’t doing a very good job. I was nervous. And when I’m nervous, I drink. While cracking open my third and final beer, I decided to swallow a Xanax with it. This party needed a bit more fun. Nobody was paying me much attention, so I took matters into my own hands. After my Xanax, I began to perk up. It was also getting darker outside, which was my ideal lighting.

While I was taking a bathroom break behind a nearby tree, a guy named Lucas Ingraldi had joined the crowd with a couple of friends. I didn’t introduce myself or even acknowledge Lucas when I sat down, but I knew who he was. We had previously talked on Grindr, and I’d always been kind of interested in the guy. I wondered if Lucas remembered me.

A few other people had joined the group, too. I hit it off pretty well with them. One of the girls even offered me some of her wine. Being the fair trader that I am, I gave her a Xanax to take home. Nice girl!

Ross was still ignoring me. I stole a drag of his cigarette, at which point I knew I was headed for an interesting night. I don’t like smoking. When I’m sober, I can’t even stand the smell of a cigarette. When I’m drinking, it’s a completely different story. Fuck. Here we go! I eventually got some weed from Ross, and used the crack pipe he gave me to smoke it. I also took an extra nugget for myself, and put it in my Xanax bottle to take home. Ross and his friends had cleaned out my stash during Pride, and I needed a little something to have at the Witch Cave in case of an emergency.

I had to pee again. I excused myself from the group, and went behind my favorite tree do my business. When I came back, I saw that someone was sitting in my spot. I tapped the guy on the shoulder. When the mystery man turned around, I realized that it was Andy – a guy I have a strange reciprocal relationship with on Instagram. Despite following one another for years, we had never actually met. Andy and I squealed at one another in that moment. We were instant friends. Andy is the type of person who always wants to have a good time, and tonight was no exception. That’s my kind of guy. No romantic interest on my part, though. Andy was definitely not my type.

We were hitting it off pretty well. The crowd was also dying off, with a lot of people going home for the night. What? No wild times on a Monday night? Lame! Naturally, with less people around to complain about my musical choices, I played some Mariah Carey songs through the communal speaker. That’s when things took a turn. Lucas was finally taking notice.

With only four gay guys remaining – Andy, Lucas, Ross, and myself – we played more music and danced. Eventually, it had gotten pretty late. So late, in fact, that there was now a new plan for us to hit up a club in the Village. That worked for me! It meant that I could stumble home to the Witch Cave much easier. Ross and Lucas took their bikes across town. Andy and I took a cab to my apartment, which I had no problem letting Andy pay for. How weird that we just met for the first time, and were now having a drunken conversation in a car together.

We got to the Witch Cave. I mixed us some drinks, and then Andy pulled out a bag of cocaine and offered me a bump. I took his keys and my thing. Jesus Christ on a cracker. What was happening tonight? This was a fucking Monday! I loved it. After finishing our drinks, Andy and I walked down the street to Flash, where Lucas and Ross had been waiting for us. This was going to be good.

I had my sights set on Lucas. I was pretty confident that I could make something happen. Surprisingly, Lucas was laughing at all of my jokes, too – something that rarely happens. I realized that I had totally misjudged Lucas by what I had seen on his Instagram profile. Lucas was much more down to earth than I was expecting. He appreciated my blunt attitude, and I appreciated his open mindedness. This was going to be really good.

While in the club, Andy was drinking a beer. I jokingly asked him where mine was, and Andy then handed the bottle to me and bought himself another one. After a smoke break – gross – I repaid the favor by getting both Andy and Lucas another beer. That went over very well with Lucas. After some more talking, Lucas and I had begun making out. I got his number, too.

Lucas and I were flirting quite a bit. I think he was actually pretty interested. I know that we kissed, but I’m always so surprised when someone is interested in me. It’s such a rarity these days. Well, it’s rare that it lasts more than 15 minutes. I could joke around with Lucas a lot. I liked his thick skin, and Lucas seemed to enjoy my twisted humor. I was wearing Lucas’s sweater at one point, too. I wanted to spend more time with him, but Ross was getting sloppy. Lucas said that he needed to bike home with Ross to make sure that the guy didn’t get hit by a car.

We parted ways at the top of the Village. I walked home from there. It was well after 2 a.m., so I didn’t even bother getting ready for bed. I just got naked and climbed into bed.

My last thoughts tonight are about PW and Lucas. Of course this would happen. I’ve finally met someone who I can see myself entering a serious relationship with, and now another guy has come into the picture. Of course! I like PW so much. Lucas has sparked something in me too, though.

I sent myself a text before bed:

Kurt: “How do I juggle this when I like them both so much?”

Goodnight xo

Continue Reading Next Chapter

About Us

Inkitt is the world’s first reader-powered publisher, providing a platform to discover hidden talents and turn them into globally successful authors. Write captivating stories, read enchanting novels, and we’ll publish the books our readers love most on our sister app, GALATEA and other formats.