Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 7 of 12)

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July 13

July 13

This week has been insane – and it’s only Wednesday! I’m operating on pretty much zero sleep, because I’ve been running around with boys every night. I like it, though. Dating is a bit of a distraction from the other crap that’s going on in my life with work. Boys keep my mind occupied. A summer romance makes me feel like I’m actually living. And, let’s be honest – dating is a better option than me sitting on my couch and eating candy for the hundredth night in a row. In moments like these, I also find that I am eating less, because:

I’m busy

I’m happier

I got up early and did my thing at the Witch Cave. I arrived at The Clubhouse for 9 a.m., because I had my third date with PW tonight and wanted to finish early. Robyn was on the phone for the better part of the morning, which meant that I wasn’t going to get any work done. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I’m not allowed to work alone. Robyn will give me certain tasks that I can do by myself, but they aren’t exactly labor intensive. I can often finish Robyn’s menial assignments with a few strokes of my keyboard, which then leaves me trolling through the internet for hours on end, talking with the girls upstairs, and/or messaging friends and lovers.

One of those lovers was PW. I checked in with him this morning. I still think the way PW was so honest about everything on our date last night was kind of strange. Unless I’m giving off some very serious long-term relationship vibes – which is possible, I suppose – that was quite the discussion to have so early on. I must have really scared PW. When I messaged him this morning, everything seemed fine. We don’t text that much to begin with, so I wasn’t looking for a long exchange.

My workday dragged on. Much to my surprise, I received an email for an interview with Hot Docs, which had me feeling some type of way. I’m going to escape The Clubhouse for an hour tomorrow, and go do the interview up the street. It’s for a Retail Coordinator position, which I’m not exactly clear on. Still, I figured I should take advantage of the opportunity that’s been given to me. As for the rest of my day, I had my lunch, PW confirmed the time for tonight’s date, and I dicked around on the computer some more. It really wasn’t an intense day, and that was fine by me.

What wasn’t so fine with me was receiving a text from PW a mere two and a half hours after we had confirmed our date, telling me that he wasn’t comfortable with where things were headed. I was gutted. I immediately reached out to Lauryn, because she’s the only one who knows about PW. I wanted to make sure I handled things properly. The following is the exchange I had with PW, most of which was written by Lauryn.

PW: “I’ve been thinking a lot about our conversation last night. I’m a bit hesitant to meet up with you for date #3. I meant what I said when I explained that I’m not interested in dating right now and I think it’s best to talk about where this is going before things get too serious.”

Kurt: “Oh, okay. How do you want to talk about it?”

PW: “I think it’s clear that our expectations are different. I’ve obviously enjoyed being spoiled and getting to know you but I don’t want to lead you on. That being said, I don’t think it’s best I come tonight.”

Kurt: “I feel you. I’m happy you feel spoiled, but this is normal me. My friends usually think I’m spoiling them, but it’s just how I’ve been brought up. And I know how you feel; I’ve been there in terms of getting freaked out, but I’m not looking for anything serious lol. I like to go with the flow and see what happens rather than meticulously planning it out lol, you know?”

PW: “I wish I could look at it that way, too.”

I had Lauryn help, as she knows how to handle these things. I was actually really upset about what PW was saying. Perhaps more than I should have been after two dates, but I was really falling for this guy. In hindsight, last night should have been a major red flag. However, I thought that PW’s confessions were perhaps just him overthinking things and panicking.

This is why I tend to gravitate towards dating men who are older than me. They’re usually more inclined to something long-term and stable. That’s what I want, and clearly the idea of a relationship scares the shit out of PW. What a big fat fucking bummer. Lauryn said that I shouldn’t contact PW anymore, because this is a very important time where he needs to figure out that he is being stupid. I need to play it cool by mirroring PW’s sentiments, and act less interested. PW will then realize that he’s acting crazy for no real reason.

I feel shitty. I feel really fucking shitty. PW also dumped me right before the Ghostbusters screening, so I was kind of screwed for that as well. Why does this keep happening to me? I can’t figure it out. Am I too forward? Am I giving off a weird vibe? Are these guys just commitment-phobes? Honestly, I don’t believe that it’s me. That’s a slightly narcissistic comment to make, but I kind of need to make it. I don’t want to start traveling down the road where I think something is so wrong with me that I begin to change myself.

I walked home, sulking and feeling like Elle Woods. How fitting that today was the fifteenth anniversary of Legally Blonde. I decided that I wasn’t going to let this Ghostbusters movie night go to waste. I extended a last-minute invitation to Lucas Ingraldi, the guy from Monday. We went back and forth with some texts for a while, joking here and there, but I wasn’t getting a straight answer out of him. Lucas expressed interest, but also had pre-existing plans. He said that he was going to try and figure out if he could make both happen, but never ended up getting back to me.

Back at the Witch Cave, I continued to sulk. I couldn’t believe PW had ditched me. I was so excited about everything, and now another one had bitten the dust. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck!

Amidst my wallowing, I was texting a couple of friends and watching videos about the Legally Blonde anniversary. That’s when it hit me. This isn’t what Elle Woods would do. I may not have had law school to attend, but goddamn it, I was going to attend this Ghostbusters screening. I dug up the nugget of Ross’s weed that I had stuffed in my pill bottle on Monday night at the park, packed a fat pipe, and smoked myself into a new haze. My entire outlook changed. I was extremely high. It’s what Elle would have wanted!

I peeled myself off my bed, gargled some mouthwash, and headed out the door. At this point, I didn’t care if Lucas joined me. Nonetheless, I still sent him a message letting him know that I was going to the movie anyway. If Lucas wanted to join me, I would be at the theater. I never got a response.

To be honest, I didn’t even want to see the fucking movie tonight. I didn’t enjoy the original Ghostbusters, and the reboot looked like fucking trash. Even on the way to the theater – stoned into oblivion while riding the subway – I was listening to Madonna’s Confessions on a Dance Floor album and having a huge creative streak. I wasn’t even at my stop, yet all I wanted was to get on another train, go home, and make Instagram videos.

I couldn’t go home, though. It was the principle of everything. A guy had dumped me. Rather than sit at home alone in my shoebox apartment, scrolling through social media and feeling low about the fact that I can’t ever meet someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them, I had to prove it to both myself and the guys that I didn’t need them. I got off that fucking subway, walked to that fucking movie theater, took off my fucking sunglasses, exposed my fucking eyeballs, got my fucking popcorn, sat in my fucking chair, and watched a fucking awful movie. I did it.

Ghostbusters was so bad. I wanted to walk out of the theater. I stuck it through, though. I also posted a Snapchat so that both PW and Lucas would know that they were merely an accessory to my preexisting plans. Disposable, if you will. After the movie, I walked back to the Witch Cave while replaying Madonna’s Confessions on a Dance Floor album on a continuous loop.

I’m upset. But, life goes on. At the end of the day, I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want me. I can’t change who I am, so there’s not much I can do about anything.

I got home, washed up, and immediately got to work on my Instagram videos. I smoked more weed, too. I hadn’t felt that creative in a long time. It’s funny how heartache breeds creativity. I’m always my most creative when I am upset about something. I ended up making six different videos.

Despite my extreme exhaustion, it’s now 1:30 a.m. I struggled to make the last video, but I wanted to make sure I took advantage of my moment. I’m about to pass out now.

I was so excited about PW. It seemed as though everything was set up for success. We had mutual friends, I met him in person, I got his number, we had a great first date, and we were really clicking. It all seemed so hopeful. I was really happy about us. Not many guys can make me smile the way PW did, and that was during our first couple of encounters.

PW had a lot of what I wanted. I guess I didn’t measure up to what he was looking for, though. Damn. Lauryn said that I should avoid any contact with PW for the rest of the week. Then, at Phillip’s birthday BBQ on Saturday, we will make an appearance together and, “SLAY” – thus making PW realize how stupid he is being. We’ll see.

Goodnight xo

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