Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 12 of 12)

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December 6

December 6

One of the more mundane days I’ve had in a while, which I suppose can be a good thing.

Work was work. The hours went by pretty quickly, likely because I actually have work to do now. How ridiculous is it that for the last six months, I have been twiddling my thumbs at my desk. Now, as I’m in my last two weeks, I am busier than ever?

It’s all because Big Bird has actually assigned me work that needs to get done. Of course, it didn’t help when she went to a four-hour meeting this afternoon and I couldn’t respond to any of my emails. Let’s analyze that, though. I am literally in my seventh month at this job, and I still need Big Bird’s approval before I can click send on an email. Ugh.

In an attempt to avoid any potential move-out stress, I tried to mentally map out my next couple of weeks while at work today. Colin is busy this week, as am I, so we are planning to see one another on Sunday when he gets back from visiting his parents. To ensure I don’t find myself in a last-minute rush to finish my Amphitheatre Entertainment article before Monday’s deadline, I need everything in order before then. Let’s face it. I want a sexual moment with Colin – and I want it now! I also have a work meeting tomorrow night, I’m going out with Dan, Connor, and Mom on Thursday, and I have to pack up my apartment on Friday and Saturday. I should be good, though. It’s just going to require a lot of work – and no weed.

Speaking of which, I finished my stash last night. As a result, I didn’t have anything to smoke this evening. I am very happy about that. Instead, I went to the gym after work, came home, immediately cleaned up, made dinner, put on The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, and started researching facts for my article. I think I’m off to a good start. The real wit is going to come from how I can spin these facts, which have no doubt been used in countless articles before mine, into funny blurbs with some good jokes and puns. That’s the next step. Alison is also going to help me out. Not only is she a huge Lord of the Rings fan, but she is obsessed with movie facts. It’s the perfect combination.

Ugh. I do miss Alison. Given her being Phillip’s ex-girlfriend, I know it’s a shitty situation. It’s also a shitty thing for me to admit that I miss her, because it makes it seem as though I am not loyal to Phillip, which is not the case at all. Alison was so much better than Sarah, though.

Fuck. It took me a second to even remember that girl’s name.

Phillip’s two ex-girlfriends were night and day. Alison was a bright ball of life. Unfortunately for me, she was also a shoo-in for a friend. When Natasha says the same thing, you know it’s true. Mom would never admit it, but I know she also liked Alison more than Sarah. Everyone did. Alison was a nicer, friendlier person. A better energy to be around than someone who was so shy, she made you feel as though there was something wrong with you.

What are you going to do, though? Someone else’s relationship is not about what makes you happy – it’s about what makes your brother (son, friend, etc.) happy. I suppose Phillip and Alison weren’t a good match. Too bad. I would’ve been more than happy to have had her as a sister-in-law. Oh, well. One can dream. Let’s just hope I don’t end up with a mute millennial artist who values Instagram and social media more than human interaction. Oy.

Not only was a night without weed a very good decision for my productivity, but it did wonders for my thoughts on certain aspects of my life. I touched on this last night – about how weed fucks up my mind when it comes to relationships – and it’s totally true. In fact, the more I think about it, my increased blazing essentially marked the latter half of my relationship with RX. It was during those moments that I began to realize I didn’t want to be with him anymore.

The same thing happened with Dylan from San Francisco. Dylan used to call me every night before bed, and I’d always make sure to spark up beforehand. I was stoned all the time. Dylan never knew. Eventually, I came to the realization that I wasn’t interested in maintaining our relationship. Dylan wasn’t the only guy, either. Who’s to say those thoughts are wrong, though? Is my mind being expanded, or is it simply focusing in on one specific aspect of my life, and completely over-analyzing it to the point of self-destruction?

I stayed up transcribing The Lord of the Rings videos on YouTube until about midnight, then crawled into bed and masturbated. Now, it’s almost 1 a.m. My body hurts. I also ate an entire box of chicken wings tonight. I feel huge. But, hey. No weed!

I am excited to see Colin. I have a tendency to dive 100% headfirst into a lot of my relationships, so perhaps it’s a good thing that I’m only seeing him on Sunday? Is that a question? I don’t know. I start off strong with so many guys, and the relationship inevitably goes nowhere. Does absence really make the heart grow fonder? I guess we’ll find out this weekend.

Goodnight xo

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