Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 12 of 12)

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December 7

December 7

Today was my half birthday. I’m only realizing it now, as I write this journal entry.

I’m excited about pressing the “reset button” on so many areas of my life. I just want to make sure that I don’t get caught up in a “things will work out” mentality. I must continue to work hard for what I want. I suppose part of the problem is that I don’t quite know what I want. Really, I’ll be continuing to work hard in an attempt to discover my passion. Right? Sure. That makes some sort of sense.

Up early.

Work, work, work.

After lunch, I had a call with Amphitheatre Entertainment to go over the specifics of what they want for my Lord of the Rings anniversary article. Speaking of which, I really need to bust my ass on that.

Work, work, work.

Following her juicy rant during my resignation last week, Big Bird made more comments this afternoon about the toxic work relationship she has with both Lawrence and Stella. Needless to say, it was slightly awkward for me to sit across the table and listen to my boss vent.

Sometimes, you just need to let people speak. I absolutely understand and appreciate that. With Big Bird, the problem is that I often feel as though she wants me to respond or react to her venting. It’s awkward. And inappropriate. At the same time, it also humanizes Big Bird a bit. I finally see just how much she hates her life at The Clubhouse, too. Then again, I also wonder why the fuck someone would stay at a job for 5+ years when they can’t stand it. In these moments, I am very proud of myself.

While attempting to work on my Amphitheatre article, I also chatted with Colin throughout the day. Big Bird was very distracting, though. Rude. Tonight was our postponed Membership Committee meeting from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m., which I barely focused on. Instead, I opted to continue messaging with Colin.

I’m excited to see Colin on Sunday. In fact, I think our break between encounters is actually a really good thing. Too much too soon has proven time and time again to be detrimental to every relationship I’ve had since – RX, really. Even then, I wanted to rush things when we first started dating. RX pumped my breaks, to the point that I thought we were never going to happen. Well, look at us now. I should have known right from the start he’d go and break my heart.

Following this evening’s meeting, I stayed committed to my routine and went to the gym for a full workout. As a result, I ended up getting home after midnight. There’s nothing like approaching your apartment building after a long day at work, only to make eye contact with a homeless man who’s sitting outside your front door, and holding a crack pipe to his lips. If I wasn’t confident about moving out of the Village before, I sure as hell am now.

Once inside the Witch Cave, I packed one full box for this weekend’s move. It felt weird. When I realized that I hadn’t taken any pictures of the space since I moved in over two years ago, I stopped packing. I’ll continue boxing things up tomorrow, after I properly document my first solo digs. Mind you, I’ll have a very small window of opportunity to do so. Tomorrow night is “Mom at the Drag Show.” Dan, Connor, and I are taking her to O’Grady’s on Church Street for her first time. I want to make it a lot of fun for Mom. She should bring her wig! Not that I really want to keep these thoughts in the same paragraph, but I rubbed one out after I finished packing for the night.

This evening, Tito extended an invitation – amongst many, I’m sure – for me to attend his DJ set at a bar tomorrow night. I really wanted to go, but obviously, already had plans with Mom. Still, I reached out and congratulated Tito. He came to my MOMENTS party back in March, and that has always meant so much to me. Unfortunately, I realized tonight that I always seem to make the conversation about myself. I truly don’t mean to, though!

Naturally, the focus of a conversation is going to flip between both parties. For example, if Tito is asking me a question, that part of our dialogue is going to feature my answer. However, why does it seem as though there’s always something crazy happening in my life that just doesn’t happen to other people? In the summer, it was my foot surgery. Now, I’ve quit my job and I’m moving into a hotel because my parents’ house caught fire. I really don’t know what “normal” is. This is my normal. There’s always something happening. Unless I lock myself in an empty room and turn off all electronic devices, something dramatic is bound to happen to me.

I need to start my Amphitheatre writing assignment. Well, I have started it. I need to work on it more, though. I’m excited about it. I am also very nervous. This is my first professional writing assignment – ever. A simple article for The Lord of the Ring’s anniversary could mean the difference between future employment, and my name on a “DO NOT HIRE” blacklist. Mostly, I’m just waiting for inspiration to hit so I can finish the piece in time for my Sunday with Colin. Listen. I don’t know what’s going to happen. All I’m going to say is that it’s been three very dry months – and I am ready.

To be honest, I am also really looking forward to being close with someone. I don’t mean in a “soul mate” sense, but more so in a comforting – I don’t know! There’s something about being intimate with another human being – both mentally, and physically – that is such a rarity in my life. I connect with all my friends, of course. However, having a romantic and sexual connection with someone is very different. I miss it. I say that now, and I’ll probably be ready to swan dive off my hotel balcony on Sunday night as I re-watch Planet Earth II with Colin. No. Positive thoughts, Kurt!

Tonight was NBC’s live broadcast of Hairspray. I’ve always loved that musical, so I watched quite a bit of it while on the treadmill at the gym. Given all of their social media posts, everyone else in my life seemed to be watching the special, too. Lucky for them, it was likely from the comfort of their beds and couches. Skinny assholes.

While watching Hairspray, I couldn’t help but think of being 17-years-old and wearing John Travolta’s “Edna Turnblad” pink sequin dress to school for Halloween – wig, and all. I posted the picture on Facebook tonight. I don’t think I’ll leave it up there long. Sure enough, there were a few people who commented on the photo, as they were actually there to witness the costume in all its glory back in 2007. They commented on how they remembered it, loved it, and how it made one guy “become a fan.” The comments were all hilarious, but also encouraging in a strange way.

A few years ago, I ran into Gabriel Marianelli at a mutual friend’s house party. Gabriel is a year older than me. Although we never had much contact in high school, I had learned a while back that he had come out and was in a long-term relationship with a guy. While at that house party, Gabriel approached me with a statement I’ll never forget.

“Do you remember your John Travolta Halloween costume?” Gabriel asked.

“I sure do!” I replied. “One of my favorites.”

“Well,” Gabriel continued, “I’ve always wanted to say this, but never had the chance. When I saw you in that costume, I couldn’t believe how brave you were. It made me think so highly of you. You didn’t care about what anyone thought, which really inspired me to do the same.”

Although part of Gabriel’s statement sounds like a bit of a backhanded compliment, he was right. In 2007, if you wore something like that Hairspray costume, you were almost guaranteed to be ridiculed – especially in high school. But, I didn’t care. I even wore that dress to my part-time bookstore job in the mall that Halloween. As you can imagine, I faced a slew of both nasty and incredibly encouraging compliments – many of which went way over my head at the time. I wasn’t thinking of the comments as an attack on my sexuality. In fact, it didn’t even occur to me that I was gay in those moments. Yeah, I know. It sounds kind of ridiculous to not know something like that. We joke with questions like, “How did you not know?” but I was just Kurt. That’s it.

It’s in these moments – these hindsight moments – that I realize perhaps we can’t see the strides we make in the present. What seems completely normal or even mundane to me right now, might actually look quite impressive upon reflection. More importantly, and what I want more than anything, is that the life I’m living today might inspire or encourage someone else to live their life to the fullest and find their own happiness tomorrow. When you have experienced a time in your life when there is no light to be found, a fire builds inside of you to bring that light to those who need it most. I want to make the world a brighter place.

She smiles through a thousand tears

And harbors adolescent fears

She dreams of all

That she can never be

She wades in insecurity

And hides herself inside of me

— Mariah Carey, “Looking In”

Goodnight xo

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