Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 12 of 12)

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December 8

December 8

Big Bird was late for work this morning. She had to fly across town from a dental appointment, the details of which I received in full upon her landing. The majority of my morning was spent dicking around online. I only started actual Clubhouse work a few minutes before Big Bird came into our office, just so that it would look like I was actually doing something.

After working solid until noon, I continued my research for the Amphitheatre article. The damn thing is pressing me more and more every day. I’m so nervous about it. To be fair, I’m not nervous about writing the article itself. I’m actually more nervous about getting a fact wrong. The Lord of the Rings fans are fucking lunatics. I don’t want to be crucified in the blog’s comments section if I list a false fact. I might end up staying awake all night tomorrow to try and finish it.


Big Bird was annoying.


Emma was annoying.

People at The Clubhouse are very annoying when they’re stressed. As if they even have that much to be stressed about. We aren’t launching a rocket to Mars, people! The Clubhouse is a goddamn restaurant, for Christ’s sake. I get stressed at times – obviously – but I have a very different way of dealing with it. I don’t feel as though I behave the way others do. I focus and get the fucking work done, instead of being rude to others and/or complaining about it for eons.

When 4 p.m. hit, I raced home and started getting the Witch Cave ready for tonight’s festivities. My messy apartment was stressing me out more than anything else. Looking back on it, I don’t know why. In the moment, it felt as if everything had to be done right then and there. But, just like I said before – I got my shit done. I finished all I had to do, cleaned up everything, and the stress was gone.

Tonight’s main event was “Mom at the Drag Show” – drinks at the Witch Cave, followed by a surprise drag queen act down the street. Connor arrived first, Mom second, then Dan. We all had such a fun night together. Mom totally let loose. Connor and Dan were both amazing. We talked for quite a while at the Witch Cave with some pizza and margaritas – swapping stories, general updates, etc. We also tried on wigs before eventually surprising Mom with the plans for O’Grady’s and the drag show.

Mom absolutely loved tonight. We ordered the world’s largest pitcher of sangria for the table, and drank our faces off. Mom was totally outrageous. We all just cackled the night away. Mom and I also did blow job shots. It was so great.

When we finally left O’Grady’s, Mom and I said goodnight to the boys and walked home to the Witch Cave. We relaxed on the couch for a while before Dad and Phillip came to pick up Mom. They were at the Toronto Raptors basketball game earlier. Snooze. I sent a few boxes home with the family, said goodbye, then went back up to my apartment and masturbated before bed.

I’m sure I’ll have a hangover tomorrow. Whatever. It was worth it. I love making Mom happy. Tonight, I think I may have accomplished just that. Mom was so much fun. I want to be with her like that more often. I am so proud of Mom. When I reflect on all of the things she has been through in her life, it makes me think:

“What nerve do I have to want to write stories about myself, when my mom has been through so many more important traumas than I have?”

Traumas? Maybe that’s the wrong word. One person’s trauma isn’t more important or significant than another’s. Mom’s life stories just seem so much more prolific than my one-offs with men, or predictable weekend benders.

Really, I am so proud of Mom. Of course, the pessimist in me gets sad. I think about how the world will be a quieter, sadder place without Mom’s spirit once she gets older. Why do I go to those places? It’s so dark. I do think of losing Mom, though. When that happens, I know my entire world will fall apart.

I want Mom to live the best life she can fathom. Right now, I honestly do not feel as though she is living the life she wants. That makes me sad. Still, I will do my best to make it happen. The wig I gave her last Christmas was a small step. The drag show was another. With each of those moments, Mom moves further from her shell. To see my mother happy and having fun is all I want. It’s everything I want for Mom, really. I want to see her happy.

My mom has sacrificed more of her own happiness than she should’ve ever been allowed. Not only for me, but for everyone else. I feel as though it’s my personal mission to bring back Mom’s confidence and happiness. At the very least, I owe her that.

I love you, Mom.

Goodnight xo

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