Survivor Girl

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Being a Virgin Never Killed Anyone

The director of your horror debut never got the memo that slut shaming is a bad thing.

This stereotype is a bit archaic, but it’s such a big scary movie theme that I thought I might as well mention it. The “purest” person usually survives. So, Survivor Girl is the one that tells her drunk boyfriend/girlfriend no. Now, I’m not saying that having sex is a bad thing, but I just want to clarify a few things for when things get spooky.

If you’re a virgin, and scary stuff starts happening, consider keeping it in your pants until you’re not in the middle of the woods with the hot person who doesn’t deserve you. They’re going to end up dead anyway.

If you’re not a virgin, don’t sleep with the jock or slutty drunk until you’re not in the middle of the woods. Maybe then, you won’t die.

Whether you’re a virgin or not, try not to have sex with the devil. I know that’s out of your control, but there are preventative measures you can take to avoid this. Like, I don’t know, don’t let anyone read out of a book bound with human skin and barbed wire? No one WANTS to carry the spawn of Satan, I don’t think. Do you, I guess.

If you’re the hot person who is just there to try and tap Survivor Girl, kindly keep it in your pants. Consent is key, after all. Maybe then, you won’t die. Also, your hero complex will get you killed, not laid.

If you’re a virgin and the comic relief, sorry buddy. You’re screwed, and not in the way you want to be.
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