My New Horror House
If it seems too good to be true, you know the rest.
So, there’s a beautiful (insert whatever dream home you’ve dreamt of but could never afford) that is affordable! Sure, it’s a fixer-upper because no one has lived there in a while, but that’s okay. It’s cheap enough that you can actually do some renovations. Your prepubescent teen hates the thought of a move, but you KNOW DEEP IN YOUR HEART that this is just what the (however many are in your family, usually two) of you need. You just know it. The realtor is a nice lady that sure knows how to talk a house up, even though she won’t go into the (basement/attic).
After the realtor leaves, get on your laptop and smartphone. Google the place. Oh look, a house that had nine murders in it. Well, that sucks. On to the next house. Some old crazy person committed suicide here? That’s not really my speed. Anything where people were tied up and held captive or some off the wall stuff like children rumored to be possessed? I think I’ll pass.
Oh no, you didn’t get anything online? Ask the neighbors. The last family ran out screaming? That explains a lot. Look at that, (name of child that didn’t want to move), we aren’t moving after all. My land is built on an ancient burial ground of some kind? There’s an old, unused cemetery twenty feet behind my house? Well, this just isn’t the house for me.
Don’t be the stereotypical, “I don’t believe in this”, dad. Just skip the house. Be happy. Take your unhappy teen home and feed them mac and cheese. They’ll be happy, and you won’t be dead.Don’t be the stereotypical, “Well, this is all we can afford”, mom. Stop that. Get an apartment until you find a place that won’t get your children murdered.