Chapter 1: Does Hair Have to Grow There?
For years, I have been fighting a losing battle with my beard. As a female, I am traditionally not supposed to have one. But there it is. Hard, black, “wanting to be seen in public” hairs popping out of my face at random times of the day. All day. Every day.
You know, they have these ‘No Shave November’ beard growing contests at work. I watch on the sidelines as normally beardless men come to work with these scraggly (that’s not a real word), mangy (that’s probably not a real word either), fucked up (ok that’s a word) beards at various stages of growth. I’ll bet I would put all of them to shame if I entered to compete. I would become the reigning REPEAT champion of such a contest. Just give me five days…
Something tells me my sex life just took a hit from the mere idea of being reigning champion. But, I would be a winner. Gotta have priorities.
Back to my disrespectful beard… It is beyond me why it is even here. I never wanted nor asked for a beard. I’ve waxed, lasered, tweezed, cut, shaved and even used depilatory creams. The hair seems to be resistant. The hair seems to want to be a part of life. Who asked you to the party?
I swear each day, I grab any pair of tweezers I have strategically placed around the house. Hey! During war times, you have to have your weapons everywhere in preparation of a sneak attack! Anyway, I go to the bathroom ready for war. I carefully pluck each one. Satisfied with my supposedly smooth face, I claim victory.
Now I can go about my day, I concluded. Then, it happens. BAM! That sharp feeling of blatant disrespect. Another hair. I feel like the new hair is taunting me, singing “Nah-nah, can’t catch me!” Little asshole.
If I go to heaven… and that is not likely once God reads this book, I have a few questions for The Creator. They won’t be the scholarly questions those with letters behind their names might ask like:
What is the meaning of life?
What purpose shall I fulfill in the world?
My first question to God will be: DOES HAIR HAVE TO GROW THERE???
And another thing…
.... cause I need more answers.