The Book Of Daft

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Chapter 4

EMAIL 15 – Title: “Newsletter”

Good morning everyone

Having just read the latest school Newsletter, I’m very alarmed about our prospective A-Level exam results this summer. It seems that, having poured my heart and soul into the teaching of A-Level Further Maths this year, it appears (from the timetable published therein – see overleaf) that there is no longer an exam for it! Other teachers will surely be similarly shocked to find that their subject has also been ruthlessly withdrawn without a moment’s notice. Instead, it seems our students are going to have to grapple with the demands of A-Level Gibberish, which requires them to sit around 40-odd papers!

On the other hand, if the writers of the newsletter are merely publishing the A-Level timetable in code, do they realise that, unless any of our teachers are distant relatives of Alan Turing, then the exams will be over before anyone successfully deciphers it?


Postscript to email 15:

It transpired that the gibberish timetable was actually an issue with the PC that I was accessing it on. However, I won’t mention it if you don’t…

Preamble to email 16:

To celebrate an Olympic year, it was devised that the school sports day should be an all-colourful spectacle, with flags of different nations on show. It was (is) a fabulous idea, but when someone suggested that we should place competitors ‘in continents’, I simply couldn’t resist.

EMAIL 16 – Title: “Sports Day Plan”

Not sure about this ‘in continents’ plan that is scheduled for us all on Sports Day this year. I hope extra lavatorial facilities are going to be provided...


Preamble to email 17:

Match favourites, England, had just been eliminated from the European football championships by Iceland.

I mean absolutely no offence to the England players, as I am an England supporter myself, but this was too much of a pun-tastic opportunity to miss!

EMAIL 17 – Title: “Iceland”

Morning all

I’m sure you’ll all want to join me in offering hearty congratulations to Iceland for last night’s terrific victory. Iceland are probably matched only by Farm Foods in terms of offering great value for their frozen produce, and this was clearly in evidence last night when they were accompanied to the pitch by 11 of the finest frozen turkeys you are ever likely to see.

To give credit to England, they certainly did put in a ‘poultry’ performance.


Preamble to email 18:

As a last resort, unruly pupils are occasionally removed from their lessons for a temporary period. The room that such pupils are taken to is aptly called ‘Reflection’.

EMAIL 18 – Title: “Reflection”

Just wondered, given its name, why there isn’t a mirror in Reflection?

How on earth are unruly pupils meant to take a good look themselves without a mirror?

Just a thought...


Preamble to email 19:

I sent this one promptly. I felt I had a duty of care to my loyal readers.

EMAIL 19 – Title: “A Date for your Diary”

Morning all

Following our chief operating officer’s announcement that he has a date for your diary, will everyone please rest assured that your diaries will already be pre-populated with dates for every single day of the year.

So, no need to panic.



Preamble to email 20:

Does it bother you when the words ‘lend’ and ‘borrow’ are misused?

Teachers face this misery all the time.

Email 20 is therefore not entirely a work of fiction…

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