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Review #4: Forced

This novel is by Constance here on Inkitt. It does have quite a few chapters and is an ongoing book.

If you want your story to be reviewed and are okay with an honest review, comment your story down below for me to add it to the list of stories for the review section of this book.

Sorry I haven't updated this story in awhile, been a little busy. But, anways, onto the review.

In the first chapter, you introduce the reader to a fantasy, dystopian world filled with corrupt politicians. Only with a twist at the end related to the main character, Irene. The world building, while done in a more info-dump style through a narrative chapter, was built through in depth detail and an elevated vocabulary that flowed well except for a few things. I think your first chapter was strong and a well done start to your, what I assume to be, a fantasy novel.

From there, some of the timeline grew flustered. You jump from when she was around nine, then to a dream state and her running out of the house for her dream boy with mirroring tattoos. While the dream was written quite well, it felt like something was missing from the chapter when Irene discussed her issue with tutors that soon wove it's way to her tattoo discovery. There might have been a confusion in chapter two leading up to chapter three.

Since this is probably a first draft, it's expected to have errors. But the main one I found revolved around punctation and run on sentences. Some of these combined sentences having no relation to one another.

Like here:

The king was fair and kind, he seperated the country in eleven states and allocated to each of them one of his closest and most trustworthy advisers, they were called the senate.

For starters, this is way too long. The king being fair and kind has nothing to do with how he seperated the country up. There is three complete sentences strung together by a string of commas, which is against grammar rules. What you have is called a run-on sentence. Also, since 'senate' is technically a proper noun with the way you used it since it's the proper name of a country sector.

To fix:

The king was fair and kind. He seperated the country in eleven states, and allocated to each of them one of his closest amd most trustworthy advisors. They were called the Senate.

Many of the sentences in your story were run-ons or needed some sort of grammar/punctuation fix. Also, keep in mind if you're talking to someone in a dialogue with their name in it, you put a comma before their name if it's in the middle of the sentence and after in the beginning/middle of sentence.

For example:

"You're being an idiot Irene" I told myself hoping it would help get the strange feeling off.

Not only did you not put the comma in front of her name, but there's no punctuation after the end of the dialogue. Whether it be you showing it in someone's head or not, if the dialogue ends in a period with a dialogue tag, the period is swapped for a comma. Also, you're missing a comma after 'myself'.

It turns into:

"You're being an idiot, Irene," I told myself, hoping it would help get the strange feeling off.

There were other instances where you forgot to punctuate the dialogue like when you had the gossip dialogue. Not only was there no dialogue tag, so you don't know who said it, but there was no puncutaion to end it. If there's no dialogue tag, then the sentence should end normally with whatever puncutaion mark whether it be a period or question mark or whatever.

Another thing to watch out for is exclamation marks and adverbs. Both should be used sparsely. Exclamation marks are necessary in some instances, but it can be just as effective to emphasize a certain word/allow your words to speak for themselves.

Some of your paragraphs dragged on a little longer than necessary. A paragraph that takes up the entire screen is a little too long. There is a way to adequately break it up so it flows correctly. A new paragraph should start when a new person speaks/introduced, a new idea starts, or a new topic starts. The typical length for a paragraph is around 3-4 sentences.

Your narrative voice is off to a good start. There were some moments you needed to watch because there were some wording issues, but it was good nonetheless.

You've done a good job with your story and I'm curious as to what Irene's tattoos mean plus the deal with the guy you mentioned. Hoping for someone to start a revolution to overthrow that corrupt government, but I bet you have something awesome planned.

Good luck with your story, you're off to a good start!

Hope you guys enjoyed this amd hope it helps any! If you want your story entered for an honest review, comment it down below. If you have a topic you want discussed in the novel, comment it down below as well. Happy reading and happy Thursday!
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