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Review #7: On Orchid Hill

Sorry for taking awhile reviewing your short story, but so busy. This lovely short story is written by the amazing Moi-Moi here on Inkitt.

To start of, this is literally phenomenal. The words flow like a poem, so melodic and gorgeous. I loved every bit of this story. From the symbolic, well thought out names to the packed a punch but simplistic details that are more reminiscent of a poem details. The metaphors and figurative language on point. Some of the best use I've seen on this app. Your writing style is amazing, I'm mesmerized by your command of words and the language in general. Your descriptions only add to the theme and flower motif. Some of them ways you wouldn't expect things like hair and eyes to be described. Just wow.

There were little to no errors in this piece. The tenses consistent. Same with your tone. Your transitions realistic and the balance between showing and telling found along with well executed.

My biggest thing is to try and watch your run-on sentences. If there is two verbs in a sentence, both of them conjugated, it's a run-on sentence. Some of them more obvious than others.

Like:

She tears through the grassy fields of home with such voraciousness, her mother often jokes that soon, there will be nothing left.

Right at the comma between 'voraciousness' and 'her' should be a period. Both of those function well as individual sentences and the comma between 'soon' and 'there' is unnecessary. Run-on sentences can be a struggle for authors, especially given some of the punctuation rules can be confusing. I probably have quite a few riddled through my drafts. It's just something to watch out for through edits.

Another thing is some times you use to verb 'to be' when it could be replaced with the verb behind it with it being stronger and more concise.

Like:

Gerbera is gazing at her older sister strangely, eyes blinking slowly with hazy focus.

Use 'gaze' as the verb would strengthen this sentence and the flow tremendously. Also, watch the adverbs. Adverbs in writing should be used sparingly. A lot of them easily replaced by other words.

This turns into:

Gerbers gazes at her sister strangely, eyes blinking slowly with hazy focus.

You don't use parenthesis very much, but there was one instance where it would work fine integrated into the narrative normally. With a lot of parenthesis use, it can flow just as well in the narrative rather than being cut away.

(Her best subject though, is always. Chrysanthemum. Her older sister is a vision, practically bursting at the seams. Bright, bubbly, so so energetic. Gerbera wants nothing more than to, maybe if she were-)

It doesn't make much sense to bracket this away when it flowed well with the paragraph above. Another thing, this might be more of a personal taste, but if you're going to use the same word twice back to back for emphasis, italicize the second iteration of the word. The last sentence, with the way it ends, is a little confusing given you drop the subject or don't give a reason for the break up. It seems like you're hinting that she wants to go outside with her sister but she can't, like she's debating on sneaking out.

With ellipses, the three dots, there needs to be a space between the final dot and the word following it.

Like:

She is just...empty.

Ellipses can either be done with the dots back to back or a space between them. Both are correct, but there needs to be a consistency in your writing. But, no matter what, there needs to be a space between the end of the ellipse and the next word.

Going into:

She is just... empty.

Your sentences and paragraphs were done well. They broke correctly and without disrupting the flow. The change in topic done seamlessly. Your dialogue formatted correctly. There was just one notion where the dialogue wasn't done right.

"Sestra!" Screams Chrysanthemum, every bit as stern as her mother.

The word 'screams' should be lowercase instead of uppercase. If the dialogue tag word is done first, it has to be lowercase. Also, the dialogue should be broken up from the first half of the paragraph. Not only does it look better visually but it also flows better as well.

I'm sorry this is so short, but honestly, this short story is amazing and near without flaws. Expect for a few mistakes common for a first draft, it's near flawless. It's just wow.

My only other comment is the fact the readers don't learn much of her heritage until your use of 'sestra'. I don't remember what language it's from, but I know it means sister. Thanks Orphan Black for that amazing revelation. I think it could be very interesting to explore a little more. But, it's still amazing just the way it is. Will definitely be reading more from you. This was impeccable. How does this not have a million reads?

Definitely go check out this amazing novel on my How to Inkitt review books reading list, plus the rest of my reviewed books from this series. It deserves all the love. Hope this helps any and happy reading guys!
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