Summer of Soju

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Joey’s been working the last couple of days, so I’ve had to keep myself occupied during the daytime. Of course, I’ve seen him in the evenings with Frank and Justin, but the heavy food and daily drinking has left me feeling burnt out. So, to counteract both my physical and mental fatigue, I’ve been hopping from one café to the next, hoping to find a bidet as satisfying as that first one in the bowling alley. Here are my findings:

A Twosome Place4/5 – This bidet was near perfect. It had a wide range of options, allowing the user to select varying degrees of force, patterns, and temperatures for the water. And it even had a blow-dry setting – you wouldn’t believe how useful that can be. The issue with this particular bidet wasn’t due to the bidet itself, and in that respect perhaps this review is unfair, but unfortunately, although the cubicle was spacious, the walls did not reach the floor. Therefore, because of this imperfection, I could not completely lose myself in the moment and sadly, the bidet’s magical powers went to waste.

Paris Baguette1/5 – Well, well… where do I start? This was just a disaster. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have heard of these types of bidet before, but only through whispers and called by a lesser name, the ‘bum gun’. It really does live up to the name – the user is expected to operate the machinery themselves, which is essentially a metal hose that must be aimed at the desired area, then blasted into the orifice at one painfully high-pressure setting. Now, does that sound relaxing?

Starbucks3/5 – Much like the coffee itself, this bidet did not transport me to another realm, but I can’t say it disappointed me, either. It was clinically efficient; not too many fancy gadgets to overwhelm the user, but sadly not enough to get them excited and reeling for more. My trip here left me feeling clean… but also like I might have wasted my time.

Angel Café5/5 – Ladies and gentlemen and bidet connoisseurs, here we experience a masterclass in bidet innovation. This one had everything, and I mean everything. We’re talking all the different settings – force, patterns, temperatures, blow-dry. And like the one at the bowling alley, this bidet spoke to me, but not in a threatening way; in a calming, soothing way. Its voice was soft, like a little old grandma, and although I couldn’t tell what she was saying, I knew I was in good hands. The dancing lights topped off the whole experience and I left Angel Café feeling rejuvenated like never before.

So, here I am, back in Angel Café.

I’ve started to feel less clean using the old-fashioned method, so I’ve become something of a regular here. I think the guy on the till might have even started to recognise me. Soon I’ll be coming in and he’ll just smile and say, ‘The usual, sir?’ and I’ll nod, and he’ll go and get me a cappuccino faster than he does for the other customers.

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