This novel is limited to 100 free copies due to its part in Inkitt’s Novel Contest.
My girlfriend loves me a lot, but unfortunately, she loves fucking other guys more. Sarah wears sweatpants and a t-shirt and her long black hair is messy.
I say, “Hey, I decided to call out of work, what are you doing today?”
She says, “Well, that’s nice, but I’ve got to go in tonight. We can fool around a little bit before I leave though.”
She grabs me and drags me over to the couch. We have sex for a little less than five minutes until I get off.
She says, “Really? That’s all that you’ve got?”
“Well, at least I won’t be late for work. I’m going to go take a shower.”
While she’s in the shower I start reading one of her Facebook messages. It confirms my previous suspicion that she has been cheating on me again. I shouldn’t be invading her privacy like this but she left it open for me to see. This guy isn’t even wearing a shirt. I decide to reply.
“Hey, babe, I just found out that I have herpes, you might want to get yourself checked out. Talk to you later!” Then I put a winky face and a heart.
I hear her getting out of the shower. She comes up from behind me and locks her hands together around me, pulling on my stomach, then starts kissing my neck.
“Do you think you have it in you to go again?”
I wonder if I should have sex with her one more time before I break it off with her. No, I can’t do that, I’m too hurt. I confront her and she doesn’t deny it. She doesn’t try to manipulate me. She doesn’t even give a shit.
“If you weren’t so bad in bed I wouldn’t have to go out and do things like this.”
That’s understandable I guess. I don’t say anything. I just walk out and get in my car. I almost broke up with her the last time this happened. That was the time I found condoms in her purse. I wasn’t snooping, she asked me to grab her cigarettes and there they were. We stopped using condoms when she went on the pill. Unprotected sex still isn’t smart but I often tend to do what makes me feel good without thinking about the potential consequences. Let’s be honest, sex with condoms is like decaf coffee, fat-free cheese and light cigarettes. When I found the condoms, the pack was open and there were only two left, “What the fuck are these?”
“Yeah, no shit, but why do you have them?”
“I was fucking this European tourist a couple weeks ago and I didn’t want you to get AIDS or something, baby.”
That’s what I love about Sarah, she’s always thinking about other people. The drive home is a nightmare. I am in tears and it is distracting me from driving. I thought this relationship was going to be different. I thought that we had a lot in common. I thought I was actually with the right person. I thought she loved me. Every committed relationship I have ever been in has ended with the girl cheating on me. She would always tell me how much she loved me and for some crazy reason I believed it, even though she didn’t do a very good job of showing it. When a girl tells me that she loves me, it immediately gives them a tremendous amount of power over me. When I hear that phrase, I always believe it. I always believe it and it is never real. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
At this point in my life I’m starting to get tired of being mistreated. I’m going to make a change. I’m going to use this opportunity to grow. I’m going to push aside my emotions and do something good for myself. I am going to end it. For real. I’m not going to just break it off with her and then go crawling back in a few weeks. I am determined to start making healthy decisions for myself. I am an amazing person. I am loving, caring and compassionate and I deserve better than this.
I pull back into my driveway and I call her.
“I am tired of your shit, Sarah. This is the last time you are going to hurt me. We are never going to be together, and we are never going to be friends. Goodbye.”
I listen for a response and hear quiet crying for a brief moment before she hangs up.
I can’t believe it. I finally stood up for myself and not just to her, but in some weird way to every girl that has ever hurt me. I feel so amazing. After a moment, the reality of what I just did hits me, and the little boy inside me realizes that she is really gone. Who is going to love me? Who is going to take care of me? The emotional pain I have felt since I read the message has been slowly building up and at this point I can feel it burning my insides.
I’m bipolar and I have general anxiety disorder. Right now, I am having what professionals call, a panic attack. I become terrified and my body goes into fight or flight survival mode. My senses become heightened and my pulse and blood pressure go up noticeably. It feels like I can’t breathe, like I’m drowning. My life is spinning out of control and I am going insane; the only thing I am capable of is crying and feeling sad. The acids swoosh around in my stomach and cause me to throw up. I feel like I’m dying even though everything is fine in reality. Cigarettes always help me with my anxiety. They are what professionals refer to as an unhealthy coping skill. But they work. After my cigarette the only thing I want to do is get under my covers and curl up in a little ball. I take an anti-anxiety pill and hide there for hours. After a while I find the courage to get out from the covers.
I have to do something to make myself feel better. I’ve been reading The Blooming of a Lotus by Thich Nhat Hanh, which teaches how to use meditation techniques to heal life’s ailments. Conscious breathing and mindfulness have played a huge part in my recovery from mental illness and whenever things start to get out of control, I slow things down and meditate. I calm my body and just sit. The relief I get from this practice is more powerful than any pill I have ever taken. Doing this is what professionals refer to as a positive coping skill.
The first exercise in this book is called Joy of Meditation as Nourishment. It has two simple parts. Breathing in I calm my body, breathing out I smile. I do this for fifteen minutes, repeating the instructions in my head. Crazy thoughts pass through my head but I make a conscious effort to let go of them as soon as I have one. I imagine that the thought is on a cloud and I just watch it float away. I think about Sarah and get sad. But I do not hide from the pain. I recognize it and then let the emotion leave on one of my clouds. Then I begin the second part. Breathing in I dwell in the present moment, breathing out I know it is a beautiful moment. I pay attention to my body. I try to feel my feet in my shoes. I am conscious that there is a sock around my foot, and I feel it, and I am conscious that my foot is in my shoe, and I can feel that too. I continue on like this, breathing in and out, fully and deeply, for about a half an hour. My anxiety has passed. I know that whatever happens I will be okay. I am okay.
I am alive and I am at peace.
Flik: Hi! ^.^ huge fan of yours on ff.net! When I saw the note about this contest on The Way We Smile, I couldn't help but rush over here, create an account, and vote! XD Seriously love this story and would recommend it to anyone! :D best FT fanfiction out there. Amazing story, amazing concept that wa...
maewilde25: I liked this, though it dragged on for over 200pages and heaven knows I did not expect the plot twist in the middle. David being Cristiãn. I was wondering when he would show up and didn't know he was there all along. it looks like there should be a sequel, please let there be a sequel. I know the...
rudyoxborough46: An action-packed, mystical adventure awaits anyone wishing to read this novel. I’m amazed at how well you’ve managed to flesh out the characters in this book, and I hope to read more of your work.I’ve read books about goblins and elves and all that mumbo-jumbo before, and most accounts of these c...
daneliacapote116: This was one of my favorites! When you start reading you want to continue I can't wait for the rest of the novel!! The characters where awesome! Everything was great. I encourage you to read this novel, your going to love it it and want to read it more and more !!
emmaneal74: I loved this booked. Would definitely buy it when published and read it again. The story flowed in such a way I just couldn't put it down. I was never confused about the characters or their roles in the story which can happen sometimes with so many lead. I'd recommend this to anyone wanting to r...
OpheliaJones: This story took a different kind of spin on the "normal girl lives with definitely not normal guy" plot. The plot points of Frey's father, Liam's family, and Frey's view of Liam's world were good to read. She did not fall in love with him in the first couple weeks. Their lives were not smooth in ...
Alani Foreigner: I absolutely loved how you created this story. It isn't like the other cliché stories I've ever read. I had just started reading it yesterday and just had to finish it. The main characters are grotesquely awesome and I fell in love with them. If you're into fantasy and stuff I can guarantee that ...
Stephen Warner: To start off, I am thoroughly impressed. The writing style is somewhat unique, and the plot seemed to move at a nice and steady pace. However, I was not expecting this to be a vampire book! I am usually not one for novels about vampires, but I was pleasantly surprised! You wrote with such grace a...
Hudson: Your story was fantastic Erin! The Rising Sun was one of the first stories I read on Inkitt, and I have to say I don't regret the three to four days I spent pouring through the story.Probably the biggest strength I see in your writing is your characterisation of Eliana, Oriens, and the rest of th...
Ruby0h: Overall I thought your story was really good! It drew me in right away and kept me interested as the story progressed. I loved the character of Kayla being inserted into this story, and the way she affected and shaped the life of the original story into something totally new and interesting. I lo...
nakhvavaishu: just loved it...u cant put this book down once u start reading...from the very first page it is an emotional rollercoaster....the way author has described the undescribable😉 chemistry between our very own jay n aqueela its just way tooo awesome...i just felt the love n mischievious bonding betwee...
Alex Rushmer: This was not what I expected, but I enjoyed it a lot Malfoy was always one of the characters that I liked a lot, so I like that a lot of this happens between him and Colette. I read the first couple chapters, and I enjoyed your writing style and am excited to see where you take this story. My com...