Get Free Copy

99 free copies left

This novel is limited to 100 free copies due to its part in Inkitt’s Novel Contest.

0
Free copy left
You can read our best books
Greg Bonagura would love your feedback! Got a few minutes to write a review?
Write a Review

Little Breathing Machine

By Greg Bonagura All Rights Reserved ©

Romance / Humor

Blurb

Devin Porter is a self help addict on psychiatric medication, who finally works up enough courage to break up with his cheating girlfriend. When he meets Maggie, he has a one night stand that quickly turns to tragedy. In an attempt to support each other and face their demons, they fall in love. Everything is great until Devin finds out that Maggie is not who she seemed to be.

Chapter 1

My girlfriend loves me a lot, but unfortunately, she loves fucking other guys more. Sarah wears sweatpants and a t-shirt and her long black hair is messy.

I say, “Hey, I decided to call out of work, what are you doing today?”

She says, “Well, that’s nice, but I’ve got to go in tonight. We can fool around a little bit before I leave though.”

“Okay.”

She grabs me and drags me over to the couch. We have sex for a little less than five minutes until I get off.

She says, “Really? That’s all that you’ve got?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Well, at least I won’t be late for work. I’m going to go take a shower.”

While she’s in the shower I start reading one of her Facebook messages. It confirms my previous suspicion that she has been cheating on me again. I shouldn’t be invading her privacy like this but she left it open for me to see. This guy isn’t even wearing a shirt. I decide to reply.

“Hey, babe, I just found out that I have herpes, you might want to get yourself checked out. Talk to you later!” Then I put a winky face and a heart.

I hear her getting out of the shower. She comes up from behind me and locks her hands together around me, pulling on my stomach, then starts kissing my neck.

“Do you think you have it in you to go again?”

I wonder if I should have sex with her one more time before I break it off with her. No, I can’t do that, I’m too hurt. I confront her and she doesn’t deny it. She doesn’t try to manipulate me. She doesn’t even give a shit.

“If you weren’t so bad in bed I wouldn’t have to go out and do things like this.”

That’s understandable I guess. I don’t say anything. I just walk out and get in my car. I almost broke up with her the last time this happened. That was the time I found condoms in her purse. I wasn’t snooping, she asked me to grab her cigarettes and there they were. We stopped using condoms when she went on the pill. Unprotected sex still isn’t smart but I often tend to do what makes me feel good without thinking about the potential consequences. Let’s be honest, sex with condoms is like decaf coffee, fat-free cheese and light cigarettes. When I found the condoms, the pack was open and there were only two left, “What the fuck are these?”

“Um, condoms.”

“Yeah, no shit, but why do you have them?”

“I was fucking this European tourist a couple weeks ago and I didn’t want you to get AIDS or something, baby.”

That’s what I love about Sarah, she’s always thinking about other people. The drive home is a nightmare. I am in tears and it is distracting me from driving. I thought this relationship was going to be different. I thought that we had a lot in common. I thought I was actually with the right person. I thought she loved me. Every committed relationship I have ever been in has ended with the girl cheating on me. She would always tell me how much she loved me and for some crazy reason I believed it, even though she didn’t do a very good job of showing it. When a girl tells me that she loves me, it immediately gives them a tremendous amount of power over me. When I hear that phrase, I always believe it. I always believe it and it is never real. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

At this point in my life I’m starting to get tired of being mistreated. I’m going to make a change. I’m going to use this opportunity to grow. I’m going to push aside my emotions and do something good for myself. I am going to end it. For real. I’m not going to just break it off with her and then go crawling back in a few weeks. I am determined to start making healthy decisions for myself. I am an amazing person. I am loving, caring and compassionate and I deserve better than this.

I pull back into my driveway and I call her.

“I am tired of your shit, Sarah. This is the last time you are going to hurt me. We are never going to be together, and we are never going to be friends. Goodbye.”

I listen for a response and hear quiet crying for a brief moment before she hangs up.

I can’t believe it. I finally stood up for myself and not just to her, but in some weird way to every girl that has ever hurt me. I feel so amazing. After a moment, the reality of what I just did hits me, and the little boy inside me realizes that she is really gone. Who is going to love me? Who is going to take care of me? The emotional pain I have felt since I read the message has been slowly building up and at this point I can feel it burning my insides.

I’m bipolar and I have general anxiety disorder. Right now, I am having what professionals call, a panic attack. I become terrified and my body goes into fight or flight survival mode. My senses become heightened and my pulse and blood pressure go up noticeably. It feels like I can’t breathe, like I’m drowning. My life is spinning out of control and I am going insane; the only thing I am capable of is crying and feeling sad. The acids swoosh around in my stomach and cause me to throw up. I feel like I’m dying even though everything is fine in reality. Cigarettes always help me with my anxiety. They are what professionals refer to as an unhealthy coping skill. But they work. After my cigarette the only thing I want to do is get under my covers and curl up in a little ball. I take an anti-anxiety pill and hide there for hours. After a while I find the courage to get out from the covers.

I have to do something to make myself feel better. I’ve been reading The Blooming of a Lotus by Thich Nhat Hanh, which teaches how to use meditation techniques to heal life’s ailments. Conscious breathing and mindfulness have played a huge part in my recovery from mental illness and whenever things start to get out of control, I slow things down and meditate. I calm my body and just sit. The relief I get from this practice is more powerful than any pill I have ever taken. Doing this is what professionals refer to as a positive coping skill.

The first exercise in this book is called Joy of Meditation as Nourishment. It has two simple parts. Breathing in I calm my body, breathing out I smile. I do this for fifteen minutes, repeating the instructions in my head. Crazy thoughts pass through my head but I make a conscious effort to let go of them as soon as I have one. I imagine that the thought is on a cloud and I just watch it float away. I think about Sarah and get sad. But I do not hide from the pain. I recognize it and then let the emotion leave on one of my clouds. Then I begin the second part. Breathing in I dwell in the present moment, breathing out I know it is a beautiful moment. I pay attention to my body. I try to feel my feet in my shoes. I am conscious that there is a sock around my foot, and I feel it, and I am conscious that my foot is in my shoe, and I can feel that too. I continue on like this, breathing in and out, fully and deeply, for about a half an hour. My anxiety has passed. I know that whatever happens I will be okay. I am okay.

I inhale.

I exhale.

I am alive and I am at peace.

Continue Reading Next Chapter
Further Recommendations

LouiseJ2: I enjoyed the detail you went into with regards to the case. It made the UNSUB appear believable. The crisis in the middle of the story was my favorite part, very dramatic but not over the top. I feel like sometimes pairings can be overdone but I liked that some of the relationships were a little...

Jessie: I wrote a review on fanfiction but I thought it would be fitting to write on on here too :) This story was honestly stunning. I am a budding writer myself and to read this- to FEEL this- reminded me of why I am honoured to have this passion and drive for a craft that is just so raw and beautiful.

Jasmine Chow: As I read this story, I was reminded some what of Terry Pratchett, especially some descriptions of politics and economics. The sci-fic setting is quite intriguing. Writing style is quite lovely and grew on me slowly. I was also slightly reminded of Mark Twain, especially his book A Connecticut Ya...

shawnas26: I knocked it out in one sitting and enjoyed it thoroughly. Thanks for sharing! :) I'll be looking forward to reading the next in the series.

Usagi Kita: This story is emotional from beginning to end. You get to watch the characters struggle and grow, maturing in different ways so that they come to be the people they are meant to be. Inea is insanely adorable, and his antics made me laugh more than once, and Kaedon is perfect for him in so many wa...

263Adder: Okay so I adore this story. I only knocked one star off plot for historical inaccuracies because I'm a bit of a stickler for that. The ending broke my heart though, considering you already changed history couldn't you (SPOILER) change it a bit more and have them together!!!! I want an alternative...

Ruby0h: Overall I thought your story was really good! It drew me in right away and kept me interested as the story progressed. I loved the character of Kayla being inserted into this story, and the way she affected and shaped the life of the original story into something totally new and interesting. I lo...

MavisMcQueen: "To Live Again" is a well crafted, highly engaging, heart vibrating tale surrounding our favorite Elven King. The author will keep you engrossed until the very end and by that time you will feel so strongly for Clara and the other characters that you will never want it to end...like ever. Thrandu...

Atractivo Sumit: The story is an amazing blend of what we call natural, plain romance along with subtle emotions and interesting twists. The plot is so beautifully interwoven.

More Recommendations

Sandra Estrada: I loved every minute of it and I thank my lucky stars that brought me to the story, it's been a whirlwind of emotions, plot twist after plot twist but I never got tired of them. Abby and Kade's story is a hard one to understand but once you're submerged in their story and love, you can't help but...

Prasino45: Hi! I happen to see your updated chapter on FF.NET!It happened to be about you coming onto Inkitt with this story! I've been a fan for a while! I'm a scqualphie writer myself. I ship them HARD! Love this story! I'm gonna do a reread as you said you changed some things! Glad we both made the switc...

Alex Rushmer: This was not what I expected, but I enjoyed it a lot Malfoy was always one of the characters that I liked a lot, so I like that a lot of this happens between him and Colette. I read the first couple chapters, and I enjoyed your writing style and am excited to see where you take this story. My com...

This story wasn't for you ?
Look at our most viral stories!
Iosaghar

FreakyPoet: "you made me laugh, made me cry, both are hard to do. I spent most of the night reading your story, captivated. This is why you get full stars from me. Thanks for the great story!"

The Cyneweard

Sara Joy Bailey: "Full of depth and life. The plot was thrilling. The author's style flows naturally and the reader can easily slip into the pages of the story. Very well done."

This story wasn't for you ?
Look at our most viral story!
Spectra

Ro-Ange Olson: "Loved it and couldn't put it down. I really hope there is a sequel. Well written and the plot really moves forward."