This novel is limited to 100 free copies due to its part in Inkitt’s Novel Contest.
My dear reader, it is worth saying right now, that this book is full of self-depreciative comedy, it is also important to mention that no Jacobs were hurt in the making of this story- or rather semi-autobiographical comedy creation.
It is both an honour and a joyous personal triumph that you have chosen to pursue my written word- and I promise you reader- you shall be rewarded for it. Both in laughs and encouragement- for this book is a self help book, comedic biography, and story wrapped together in a nice big red bow. So without further interruption, let's begin our literary quest.
I sit writing this in my L-shaped bedroom, on a PC built for gaming, which is sat on a desk quite probably older than me thanks to the joy of second hand buying. A packet of chocolate biscuits and a mug of cocoa are my only rations, and I immediately suggest you source some similar ones.
Now down to business- do you ever find yourself wanting to scream into the void the word "Why Me?" or even "WHY ME? depending on the situation- because if you do- I'm here to tell you that you are not the only one. There are many of us about, so it would seem.
Throughout life's miseries, accidents, awkward moments, mistakes, and nearly all social situations, I have the burning desire to scream this into the faces of all those around me. Some of us have a happy place to go to when this happens, for me it is a far away world away from all this, one I have dreamed of being real for a bloody countless number of years. Unfortunately this place is not a real one, so I usually find a nice big bucket of chocolate to dive into instead. The problem with this "comfort eating" predicament is that I have for the same number of years that I have wanted this place to be real- started to swell into what can be called nothing else but "a fatty". Yes- I shall scream it from the rooftops, I AM A FATTY. But no, I do not like it, the chocolate however, I do.
Anyway, it is on a day last winter, that I sat on a bench whilst waiting for a train to go and meet a friend, freezing cold, and eating a cookie about the size of my head. (Please note that I am very prone to exaggeration). It started to rain, and thunder, and by the time I arrived at my destination, the train line home had been shut. "Due to lightning hitting a signal" at which point I very loudly and both embarrassingly and angrily shouted "WHY ME" and it is then- that I started to wonder- surely it isn't just me that feels this?
Three months after this little incident, I was walking through the town that my school had been in, and I tripped and fell over an invisible obstruction in front of a rather large crowd of people. I again started to feel that burning urge of shouting "WHY ME" but luckily it subsided. Because it was then, that I realised I was absolutely fed up of this feeling and again began to wonder if it was just me feeling this so regularly, because this did indeed occur more and more, and had done in the past five years.
I had felt the wrath of anxiety throughout that time anyway, even over the simplest of tasks, as well as the big horrible ones, such as revising for exams, deaths, births, making friends and losing friends. So that is why I started writing this, for those moments in life, when we all think- "Why me?" with some of these tasks there is already a process for coping or moving on.
But for others, such as falling over in public, or embarrassing yourself in front of a room full of people. (In my case, a classroom, a shop, a high-street and a room full of party goers). These situations and quite a lot of others that I shall move onto later, DO NOT HAVE A MANUAL. There is no procedure to handling this, so we- well we panic, or we get flustered and embarrassed. To vividly paint you an example of this I shall now proceed to tell you my most notable and widely known experience of "Why me!" and "Where is the flipping guide to this?" moment.
During year 8, a series of unfortunate events led me to missing four whole months of school. During this time someone came up with the brilliant idea of formal mock exams. Basically meaning in the following school year us thirteen year old pupils were having our end of year mocks in the hall, the same way as we would have our actual GCSE exams in year 11. This was bloody traumatic enough, but when I had returned to school most of my social circle was broken, and I hadn't done much to fix it admit-ably. So by year 9 during the first set of these mocks, I was at a high stress rate, which wasn't a good combination with my lack of friends, because I had absolutely nobody to vent to.
During my maths mock, someone for some reason decided they were going to set out to kick the hell out of my chair for the whole hour it lasted. Needless to say my anger levels ascended during this, and by the end of the exam I had quite enough.
I had spent some of the exam with a raised hand trying to complain about this- er- let's say "nuisance". A teacher actually came over to attend to me, and the little shi- sorry, fellow student decided in this time to stop, so I said nothing and just asked for some spare paper. He restarted the kicks during the teachers departure, she looked back and saw, but still walked away afterwards. I'd had it. I boiled, the foam on the boiled potato pot was well past spilling.
I got up and shouted in front of the whole exam hall- telling the little shi- sorry, fellow student what to do to, involving the letters (but in a different order) FFO KCUF.
Okay, I quite possibly may have some underlying anger issues, and in the grand scheme of things I probably could have found a better way to deal with this situation that would not result in one half of my year remembering the incident, and then using it as an anecdote when they next saw me. Quite surprisingly the then head of maths, and my then maths teacher after giving me a short lecture, had an "all forgiven" attitude. So thankfully I left the incident punishment free. Which in my opinion was justice, since the little shi- sorry, fellow student, had just resulted in me being publicly embarrassed and in a very bad mood.
Right now, you probably think "oh god he's mad", well in fact, I am. And it is my madness that I've grown my sense of humour, and my sense of humour has lead to this- and I promise you my reader, this isn't just about me, this is about you too. Together, we are going to have as much fun on this literary adventure as I can make.
Everything in my life has just fallen into place- and not always neatly. Things have always just happened, so a lot of the occurring mishaps are a huge surprise, even when in hindsight they were preventable. Everything is an accident, or falls untidily into place like an anti-OCD game of tetris. All so spontaneous and unpredictable. Much like me I suppose.
So how do we handle these situations? How do we survive the roller-coaster that is life? Well I am proud to say, that through my vast resource that is my memory and experience; I have lots of awkward stories to share with you, as well as jokes, realisations, hobbies, habits and just little titbits of information about me. How to try and handle all these moments.
So as they say, "onwards and upwards", let's get to the first chapter.
Ruby0h: Overall I thought your story was really good! It drew me in right away and kept me interested as the story progressed. I loved the character of Kayla being inserted into this story, and the way she affected and shaped the life of the original story into something totally new and interesting. I lo...
CurlyRed: I read this entire book in just under 4 hours I COULD NOT PUT IT DOWN! i found myself emotionally attached to the characters and making personal connections that i had never experienced before while reading a book! I was constantly wanting to read more, every chapter left me on a cliff hanger tha...
Alex Rushmer: I just want to say that the writing in this is amazing! I read the first couple chapters and was absolutely drawn in by it, The way you use first person in this story is extremely engaging and does wonders with your character development. I immediately had a picture of the characters and plotline...
mrh: This interesting take on the Harry Potter series fascinated me from line one on. I am in love with this tale and its characters and cannot wait to read the next chapter. I look forward to more soon.When can I expect the next chapter? I am so excited to read it!
Lydia Sherrer: I first read The Speaker almost a decade ago when I first discovered author Sandra Leigh. I loved it then, and I still love it now. It is a simple, easy read, yet deep in meaning and rich in storyline. I do not know what kind of research or prior knowledge Leigh has of First Nation tribes, but sh...
dd1226: I love reading about other countries and I think this story about Cambodia after Polpot creates awareness of the tragedy that happened there and the actions of the U.N. to hold elections. The heroine of the story is easy to relate to, a modern, middleaged woman looking for an adventure, wanting t...
Jaslyn: I loved reading this so much!! The transformation of Nina's self-esteem was incredible to read, and while I was rooting for Parker halfway through, I was very satisfied when Harrison and Nina finally got everything straight. The side characters were adorable - I especially loved Anna, Richel, Mic...
Lacey Schmidt: The Trouble with Super is that you can't stop reading it. Mr. Barrett's characters are all to easy to relate to even if you don't have a super quirk of your own, and their plight is both heart-rendingly funny and heart-warmingly sad at the same time. It's a bit like Office Space meets the Matri...
FreakyPoet: I found this story well written and extremely cute. I like how the emotional roller coaster, otherwise know as love, was done here. it was very believable that these two characters would deny, agonize, then come to except their feelings the way that they did. I enjoyed it very much, thank you ...
Angel S. Adames Corraliza: Sensational! As a fan of superheroes, I have to say, you have a real winner of a story so far. I like that you made Allison a Wonder Woman expy, but kept her likable and relate-able in this first chapter. You showed us the Mother while also glancing at the Superhero, which I think is important to...
FreakyPoet: "you made me laugh, made me cry, both are hard to do. I spent most of the night reading your story, captivated. This is why you get full stars from me. Thanks for the great story!"
Sara Joy Bailey: "Full of depth and life. The plot was thrilling. The author's style flows naturally and the reader can easily slip into the pages of the story. Very well done."