A Guy, A Girl, And A Voodoo Monkey Hand

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Chapter 5

James woke with a start as we hit the water and after a brief moment of struggling he joined Sam and me in treading water and watching what was left of the pub burn. It didn’t take a sixth sense to tell me that something was up, but it helped. For the most part, it just means I come to conclusions faster, and with a fair degree of accuracy. We all started to swim to the nearest jetty, which luckily wasn’t too far away. Within no time at all we were all sitting on the stone steps leading down to the water. Sam looked over at me, “That was quicker than usual. They normally don’t try and kill you until you’ve actually found something incriminating.”

The man had a point. I pulled my gun out of my coat, and pointed it at James’ head. “Alright, who are you and why is someone trying to kill us? Uuummm?”

I looked over at Sam, who shrugged his shoulders. I turned back to James.

“Us?” James looked scared; like this was the first time he had a gun in his face. In a frightened voice he said, “I don’t know. Why are you trying to kill me?”

I sighed, laughed, and apparently pulled the trigger. Wait, James fell dead back into the water, with a bullet hole in the back of his head.

I stood up quickly and looked around. Sam dove back into the water. I looked down at Sam, who said, “Did you do that?”

I shook my head. “I don’t think so and my gun was pointed at his temple. The hole is in the back of his head.”

I turned quickly and looked back towards where the pub had been, just in time to see the barman holding a disconcertingly large rifle. I pointed my Smith and Wesson at him, pulled the trigger and shouted, “Freeze!”

(Yes, in that order.) The bullet narrowly missed his right leg. The barman took off running, and I ran off after him. Sam pulled himself back out of the water then dragged James’ body out and started searching through his pockets.

It wasn’t hard to catch up with the barman. The alley he ran down was a dead end. When I got there he just reached the end and discovered that there wasn’t actually a door anywhere along the alley. I stopped at the entrance and pointed my gun at his head. “Looks like it’s a dead end.”

The man turned around to face me.

“Right, so put your gun down and get on your knees.”

My PI sense was tingling. I was getting the impression that he wasn’t going to cooperate. The man looked at his gun and looked back to me. “Oh, yeah? And what if I don’t?”

I sighed to myself and, somewhat disheartened, dropped my shoulders, then shot him in the right shoulder. The man let out a wail, let go of his gun and grabbed his shoulder. It had been a long day, and that hangover was still hanging around. So I shot him again, only this time in the left foot for balance. The man dropped to the floor. I casually strolled for intimidating effect over to where he was lying; removed the rifle’s strap from around his neck, engaged the safety and put the sling over my shoulder. I pointed my gun at the man’s head. “That’s what happens. Now tell me the story about who paid you to kill Mr. Woods, or me, or Sam.”

Apart from looking in pain, the man also look puzzled. “Kill who? I was only paid to take you out.” And with that the man turned and spat on my shoes.

I sighed, shook my head, and shot into the floor just next to his head. “Ok then, why were you trying to kill me?”

The man started saying, “Why should I tell...?” So I pulled the hammer back on my gun and made a face that said, ‘Do we really need to go over this again?’

“...Alright, alright no need for that, I’ll talk. I don’t really own the bar. I was paid to take you out and I was told that I could find you there.”

“Who’s paying you? And why do they want me dead?”

The man looked around, kind of nervous. “Please man, they’ll kill me if I tell you any more.”

I sighed again, scratched my head and said, “And just what exactly do you think I’m going to do? Make you tea, and change your socks?”

I don’t know why I made the sock comment. It fell out of my face before I could stop it.

“Alright… alright,” sobbed the man “I don’t know their names, but they said it was the case you were working on.”

I dropped my arms to my side. “Oh, for God’s sake!” I pointed the gun back at the barman. “I’ve been on this case for about 5 hours now, and I’ve not really worked on it yet. Tell me something. You said you don’t know their names. What do they look like?”

The man started to breathe heavily. “Come on, man. They’re scary people.”

I knelt down next to the man. “I could just shoot you again, you know, and I could do it with your gun this time.”

I stood up again. The man went from a general sobbing to full on bowling his eyes out. “Ok... ok.... There were two of them, (sniff, sniff). …. The first one I didn’t see too well... but the other one was... well, stupid and sort of gorilla looking. That’s all I know, I promise.”

I holstered my gun and pulled out the other man’s gun, took the safety off and pointed it at him. “Well, then, I guess I don’t need you any more. If it makes you feel any better, a gun of this size at this range should take your head clean off.”

I smiled at the man as the tears continued to pour down his face.

“Are you ready?” I placed the barrel about an inch above his head. “Ok, here we go-3...2...1...”

I gave it a moment.


The man screamed like a baby and then passed out from shock. (Karma, the scream didn’t help my hangover at all.)

Satisfied that he really didn’t have too much more to tell me, and that the gorilla was a bad guy, I went through the barman’s pockets for clues (And whatever money I could find... times were hard, what with my slump and all.). His pockets turned out a wallet with fifty bucks and a bartending licence. Turns out his name was Russell. I also found a mobile phone which I used to call an ambulance. What, you didn’t think I was a complete monster, did you? Come now, I’m the hero. I left him his wallet, licence, and phone. I made my way back to the docks to find Sam still sitting on the jetty, smoking a cigar.

He looked up at me as I approached. “So, did you win?” he called out.

I walked over and sat down next to him. “Yup, you got any more cigars?”

Sam pulled from his inside blazer pocket, a beautiful three cigar, cigar carry case, which must have been mostly water proof because the beautiful 6 inch (15cm) cigar inside was still fine. He offered me the cigar. “So did you find out anything interesting from the barman?” he asked as he lit my cigar.

“Yeah, the barman’s a lousy shot. He was aiming for me, but I did get 50 bucks off of him. Find anything interesting in Mr. Wood’s pockets?”

Sam and I both looked down at the dead body, now back in the water flouting just ahead of us. “Well, for a start, this cigar’s case. Oh, and a wallet I think you might want to see. And before you ask, there was no money in it. Not too sure how he planned to pay his bar tab.”

He handed me the wallet. The wallet looked old and poorly maintained, but well made and was very heavy. As I looked through it I discovered that Sam was right. I did want to see this. Inside the wallet was a Government ID card. “So, Sam, it would seem that our dear friend James over there was a government agent of some kind.”

Sam looked at me. “It would seem that way, Mr. Jones. He’s also amazingly buoyant. I’ve been throwing stones at him for 5 or so minutes now, trying to sink him, but there he still is. Oh, I don’t suppose the barman was the one to blow-up my bar?”

Damn! I knew I’d forgotten something. “You know, I forgot to ask, but I did shoot him a few times, and called an ambulance, so he’ll probably be put up in county hospital. You can always go and ask him yourself. His name’s Russell,” I giggled to myself for a moment. “Russell Leaves.”

Sam’s jaw dropped. “You’re kidding.”

I shook my head, “No, his wallet also turned up a barman license.”

Sam looked back at James. “Shit! No wonder he wants to kill people!”

Sam got to his feet. “Well, it’s coming to sunrise, and I should be getting home. With the pub gone, my days are going to get kinda boring. Just give me a shout if you need a hand with this case. It looks like it’s going to be an interesting one after all.”

“Thanks, Sam. I’ll probably take you up on that. See you tomorrow night.”

I pulled out James’s ID card, and slipped it into my wallet. (Always a useful thing to have.) With that I stood up, slipped James’ wallet into the inside pocket of my coat and started off towards my office, wondering what I was going to do about the gorilla that was undoubtedly waiting for me.

Thank you for reading this excerpt of A Guy, A Girl, And A Voodoo Monkey Hand. I wrote this book when I was 19 and is my first ever published novel.

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