Spoiled For The Victor
Spoiled For The Victor
Lucifer was relieved to have finally returned home to Hell. The first thing he wanted to do was to bathe in magma and wash the stench of the “real” world off him, but the desire to meet, greet, and beat the newly arrived souls - especially Alan and Mary - was overwhelming. He arrived at the entrance hall of Hell to find a surprisingly small number of souls before him, all wearing headsets and all mumbling to each other incoherently. Only one member looked around the room with fear, a man in a suit and a name tag that read “Dr. A. Smith”. At the sight of Lucifer the mumbling ceased momentarily, before continuing again.
Something’s not right here. Lucifer thought as he scanned through the crowd for his two prizes. There was a polite cough beside him, interrupting his thoughts, and Lucifer turned to see Muriel stood before him.
‘Would you like me to announce you to the new souls?’ Muriel asked, trying his best to hide a clipboard against his chest.
‘I’d like you to announce what the fuck you’re doing in Hell! And why do you have a clipboard.’ Lucifer boomed. Never before had he had an uninvited guest in his bachelor pad and it infuriated him that Muriel had found the nerve to be here upon his glorious return. Muriel sheepishly looked at the clipboard before smiling back at Lucifer.
‘Well, upon my return to Heaven I…’ He began.
‘You confessed, didn’t you?’ Lucifer slammed his palm into his forehead. Muriel bowed his head in shame.
‘Yes. And as punishment God banished me to Hell. To be your lieutenant.’
‘Well that, for a start, is not happening. But for now make yourself useful and introduce me.’ Muriel cleared his throat as Lucifer tried to make a fearful pose, eyes back scanning the thin crowd for Alan and Mary.
‘Ladies and gentlemen. It gives me great pleasure for me to introduce my great friend, and soon to be yours, Luci. Lord of the Under World!’ There was a smattering of applause before everyone turned their attentions back to each other. Lucifer glared at Muriel with murderous intent before turning his attention back to the crowd.
‘I am not your friend, nor is my name Luci. But I will personally be introducing each and every one of you to your soon to be closest pal; Pain! You will not enjoy your time here, of that I assure you. And you will be staying here for all of eternity!’ Lucifer gripped the balcony railing before him and glared at the hushed crowd, a crowd which again turned away from him and began to talk amongst themselves.
Something really isn’t right here. Lucifer thought with growing dread, wondering why not an ounce of fear was oozing from any of the souls before him, And where in God's name are Alan and Mary?
‘Muriel, what the Hell is going on here?’ Lucifer turned the focus of his rage on the angel stood beside him. Muriel turned around the clipboard he was holding and held it out to Lucifer. On it was a contract. A freshly signed contract. A freshly signed contract that filled Lucifer with even more dread. The paper was marked with the official stamp of Heaven and scrawled at the bottom was the drunken signature of God. There was a co-signature with Lucifer’s name underneath, which had been pp-ed by Muriel. Lucifer scanned through all the legal jargon until he found the summary section God included in all his documents.
In summary, this Holy-binding document transfers the ownership of all souls to Heaven, instead of all those deemed “worthless” being automatically shipped to Hell as per the terms of the Holy Civil War Agreement. All souls currently in retention of Hell shall be released into the custody of Heaven with immediate effect. There are, however, some souls to descend into Hell, as outlined on page 49, section 3:1 (Souls Destined for Hell). These are to be the souls of telesales personnel who have spent their entire life in the industry, and souls deemed unfit for Heaven at the discretion of The Almighty. Further more, Lucifer is to relinquish Earth Visiting Abilities upon his return to Hell, although a visitor’s pass may be obtained, also upon the discretion of The Almighty.
Lucifer let the clipboard fall to the floor with a loud echoing clunk.
‘What. Have. You. DONE!’ He screamed, still staring at the contract on the floor. White rage coursed through Lucifer’s body and he let out a howl of frustration, along with a chain of expletives. Muriel, however, had vacated the hall upon handing over the contract and so Lucifer turned his rage on the nearest of the newly arrived souls, dropping over the balcony into the hall and twisting the person to face him. The soul, a middle aged blonde female, stood there unblinking as Lucifer raged into her face. When he paused temporarily for breath she placed a finger over her headset earpiece.
‘I’m sorry, sir, but swearing at me is not going to get the problem fixed any quicker. If you can’t speak to me in a civilised manner I will be forced to put you on hold and transfer you to a supervisor.’ She replied in droning monotone.
‘A supervisor?’ Screamed Lucifer in disbelief, ‘a fucking supervisor! Do you know who I am?’ The woman’s eyes glazed over as she typed away at an imaginary computer. There was an audible click and elevator music began to play in the hall. All the telesales staff started swaying gently in time to the mind softening music, humming in unison. Lucifer sank to his knees at the realisation he was now only able to torture souls that did not break. Souls that in fact had spent their entire life breaking the souls of others.
For the first time in his life, Lucifer cried real tears.