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OOF: An Online Outrage Fiesta for the Ages

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Award-winning novelist and cultural critic Strobe Witherspoon interrogates his own profession. It goes terribly. Strobe Witherspoon just sold his latest satirical novel for a lot of money. The book in question, FLOTUS: A Memoir, is a fictitious autobiography about a former first lady of the United States reflecting on years of misery at the hands of her much older POTUS husband. When a chapter is leaked in advance of the book's publication, an Online Outrage Fiesta (OOF) ensues via mainstream news outlets, blogs, Twitter, troll farms, and everything in between. Witherspoon has his life placed under a microscope. Family secrets are exposed. Now, an anthology has been put together to document Witherspoon’s downfall—and settle the score.. OOF explores the role of satire in a society lurching from one ridiculous crisis to the next, where media outlets rely on clicks to stay alive and everything is filtered through a lens of anger and misinformation.

Humor / Scifi
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FLOTUS: A Memoir


People always ask me how he smelled. It’s an invasive question. And insulting. As if he smelled really bad, and that was evidence I was just with him for the money.

For the record, he smelled good. Like fresh dry-cleaning mixed with buttery sunscreen. That smell told me that he was well put together, that he cared about his presentation and about putting his best foot forward. It was always there, that smell: when I first met him, when we ate breakfast, when he came into my bedroom late at night (if he wasn’t too tired).

He got excited by shiny things. I’ve always liked shiny things; they remind me of the baroque architecture of my homeland. But I had never met anyone with such a carnivorous appetite for shine, and it excited me.

Everyone responded to his charm. Even when he was making people do things they didn’t want to do. “It’s gonna be so good for you. So stop with the hemming, the hawing, and approve da project already,” he told people over meals of steak and cake.

“Weren’t you just arm candy?” people ask.

No! We were a team.

He would put his long arms around me after a successful dinner with a community board member or some other person he needed something from, and he would whisper, “You were the reason they said yes. The questions about his daughter’s recital … perfect.”

They were perfect questions. I always found a way to get people talking about something in their personal life that they cared about.

“The higher up you get, the more people come after you,” he told me.

People came after him all the time. And that made him mad (and a little excited). I knew that sometimes he probably deserved it, that he could have been a little more accommodating. But what did it matter? If he were nicer, they would have just taken more from us and never stopped taking until all the shine was gone. He believed that. So did I, eventually.

For me, however, the lifestyle became something I didn’t want. I was getting older. I was tired of the eyes always on us—always nitpicking me, our relationship, our children, our business.

But he was so much older, and he didn’t want out. So, first it was the separate bedrooms. Then the long stretches at different homes.

Distance became the norm.

That started to change when he ran for office. And when he told me to stop having nude models over for my painting class. And when Leif, my assistant, started to “advise” me about my dietary habits and facial expressions in public.

I had grown too comfortable in his absence, I told myself. I needed to get back to being that person at the dinners (minus the cake consumption). But it was difficult. I now enjoyed painting, philosophy, history. Not smiling, waving, starving.

When my gallery show was canceled just before the presidential primaries, I cried. I also cried when the gallery sued us. And when they took my paintings hostage until we paid.

We never paid.

I think it made him happy. My life’s passion had been extinguished.

“Can’t you get your lawyers to go after the gallery like you normally do?” I asked him.

“I’ll get to it,” he responded.

He didn’t get to it. I should be around for more events, he must have decided. More speeches. More chanting.

But I’m not a violent person.

Too much has already been written about that. I will not profess my innocence again. Not in this book, not to strangers on the street, and not to another law enforcement official.

I want people to see the other side of me, the immigrant who speaks five languages. Who just got her second master’s degree. Who is bursting with creativity and compassion for her fellow Americans.

I want to be the bridge between the tragedy of our country’s recent past and the promise of the future. I know it will be hard. Our wounds are fresh. Our debts, to the banks and to each other, are coming due.

Blame is not the answer. We must embrace this moment. Mine it for opportunities for inspiration, both personal and national.

I have pushed myself to be the most successful person I can be. That drive brought me all the way to the White House. It brought me to the country that I now call home—the country that beckons people like me from afar, tantalizing us with opportunity and freedom and liberty in exchange for hard work and unwavering commitment.

I have done a lot of things that I am proud of. I have done some things that I am not proud of. And I hope to do many more things in the future. This book is about all of that. This book is not about him. Yes, it will include stories about our time together. But it is not about him.

I hope you enjoy it.

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