Prologue
It is written …
On the first day, God created the Heavens and Earth.
On the second day, God created the skies.
On the third day, God created the dry lands.
On the fourth day, God created the stars and all the Heavenly bodies.
On the fifth day, God created all the creatures that would live in the waters.
On the sixth day, God created all the creatures that would live on dry land.
On the seventh day, God rested.
God has his critics and non-believers, but in anybody’s reckoning, that’s a pretty decent week’s work. So realistically, people of Ancient times should have worshipped the Supreme Being who created all this amazing stuff in just six days, but Ancient people were really stupid, and the Ancient people of different tribes and cultures worshipped their own Gods. Some worshipped the Sun God, and some worshipped the Moon God, and others worshipped Gods of Thunder, and some worshipped Gods of the Sea, and others worshipped Gods who had a human body and a goats head, and by the Year, errrr … Year-whatever-it-was; there were so many Gods being worshipped, that the Ancient peoples were getting really confused, which was not a good thing, because when stupid people get confused, they struggle to do anything productive.
Thankfully, the real God, the God who had created all the amazing stuff in just six days, decided to lay His cards on the table, and in the Year 4 BC, a child was born in a stable in Bethlehem.
Actually, three children were born in stables in Bethlehem on that fateful night, and interestingly, all three children would carry the initials JC.
Jemima Crist was one of the three children born on that night, and later on in her life, she would attain notoriety in the community, as she became the highest earning prostitute in Bethlehem.
Jimmy Criss was another of the three children born on that night, and Jimmy went on to achieve fame, or infamy, as being Bethlehem’s first official flasher, and stories of Jimmy’s daring, yet naughty exploits, rang through the small community for generations.
The other child born was Jesus Christ, and just like Jemima Crist and Jimmy Criss, Jesus Christ would leave his own mark on civilization.
The proud mother was Mary, and she held baby Jesus in her arms, while the child’s father was … errr … the father was, well he was kinda busy doing other stuff in Heaven.
Three Wise Men were drawn to Bethlehem, and they all reverently bowed as they entered a stable. The men were all dressed resplendently in colourful gowns of the highest quality, and they all bore gifts for the special child.
One of the men said, “We are the Three Wise Men. Is this child the new King of-”
The mother of Jemima Crist cut him off as she said, “No!” She had just given birth to another mangy little critter, so she was tired, sore and agitated, and she was getting a bit pissed off by the constant interruptions, so she said snappily, “If you’re looking for the King of Kings, maybe check three stables down, you know, where the bright light is hovering.” She gazed down at her new born child, then muttered, “This little Snot-rag is just gunna be another mouth to feed, so unless you can give us some money or food, piss off!”
The father was also getting annoyed by the interruptions, although when he looked at the men, he said brightly, “Ohhh, I see you are bearing gifts.”
One of the Three Wise Men replied, “Yes, we come bearing gifts for the new King of Kings!”
The father of Jemima Crist looked at the gifts, ran it through his mind, then he said boldly, “Yes, my child is the new King of Kings!”
“Ohhh, your wife said that the new King of Kings is three stables down.” one of the Three Wise Men replied.
“No, forget about that, because this child, our daughter is definitely the new King of Kings!” the father declared.
“Daughter?” one of the men asked in puzzlement, then he said, “We were led to believe that the new King of Kings was going to be a boy.”
The father pondered, then said, “She is, she is a boy!”
“She, is a boy?” one of the men wondered.
“Yes, she is!” the father declared. “So just leave the gifts on the table, and thank-you for coming.”
The men were confused, although one of them asked the woman, “So you fair lady, you are the Virgin Mother?”
The woman laughed, then huffed, “I was a virgin about a decade ago!”
The men looked at each other sheepishly, and one of them said, “So this child is a girl, and the mother is not a virgin, so I think we got the wrong joint.”
One of the Three Wise Men looked at the couple, then said, “We apologise for the intrusion, and we will leave you in peace and look for the bright light.”
The woman shook her head in amusement, then said sarcastically, “It shouldn’t be too hard, I mean it’s only three stables down.”
The men began walking away, although the father piped up, “Ummm, excuse me …”
One of the Three Wise Men asked, “What, good sir?”
“Arrhh, I see you have gold bars.”
“Yes, I do.”
“Ummm, can you leave one here for us?”
With a diplomatic smile, the man replied, “The gold bars will be presented before the King of Kings, because they are a valuable, and the gold bars are a symbol of his Kingship on Earth.”
“Damn!” the father muttered.
One of the Three Wise Men was wise, and he was also compassionate, so he looked at the couple and said, “Maybe I can offer your child a sprig of myrrh.”
“Jeez, thanks pal.” the father said drolly, although the mother wasn’t as polite, as she yelled, “Fuck off!” She fronted the man and said, “This little critter means that we’s got eight kids now, and I can tell you that none of my kids has ever raced up to me and said, Hey Ma, for my next birthday, can you get me a sprig of myrrh!”
The third of the Wise Men said sheepishly, “How about a stick of frankincense?”
With her hands on her hips, the mother said, “Give me a gold bar, or else…”
The Wise Man asked, “Or else what?”
“Or else fuck off Dingbat!”
The father was unhappy that they weren’t going to get a shiny, gold bar, although he was curious, and he asked, “How come you call yourselves the Three Wise Men?”
One of the men replied conversationally, “Ohhh, we were trying to think of a really cool name to call ourselves, and we tossed a few names around like The Three Amigo’s, or The Three Cool Guys, or The Three Tenors, but yeah, I suggested the Three Wise Men, and everybody was happy with it.”
“Hmmm, maybe it should have been The Three Stooges.” the disgruntled mother whispered.
The Three Wise Men found the stable, three stables down, and as the pissed-off woman had suggested, it wasn’t that hard, because the bright light was shining directly over the stable.
One of the wise men fronted the couple and asked timidly, “Hello, is this child a boy?”
The shy mother nodded.
Another of the men asked, “You fair lady, are you a virgin?”
The shy mother blushed, although the father (or step-father) muttered under his breath, “If we could get a bit of peace and quiet, she won’t be after tonight.”
One of the other men asked, “Is this boy the new King of Kings?”
The shy mother shrugged her shoulders timidly and said in a whisper, “I think so, I mean this is the first time something like this has happened to me, but an Angel said that I was going to be Immatually, I mean Incomatuly, I mean Incontrievably-”
“Darling,” the stepfather interrupted, “You were Immaculately Concepted.”
“Yeah,” the woman nodded and said, “What he said is what happened.”
*
Mary was a good mother too, and under his mother’s guidance, Jesus Christ grew up to be a fine young man. While Jemima Crist was giving blowjobs in the alleys behind the local market, and Jimmy Criss was dangling his goods out in the same markets, Jesus Christ was beginning to understand that he had his own special destiny.
Two thousand years later, another child would be born, and that child was destined to have an even greater impact on humanity, than the great Jesus Christ.
