Chapter 1: Tourism
“If we ever actually get our shit together and aliens came to visit, they should feel welcome and shit.”
Tour Director: “Hello Guests! Welcome to the Department of Funky Town!
Formally known as the Curlyland Information and Tourist Center for Extra Terrestrials, this facility was first opened in 2035 by His Excellency King Curly McAwesome as a dedication to his life’s accomplishments and required more than one thousand ’detainees’ and four years to construct.
As you can hear over the public address system, music from the band “Gwar” is playing over the loud speakers and is the only music allowed to be played within these walls. This is not only because they are Curly’s favourite band, but also because Curly has made “Gwar” his personal religion. Freedom of religion is encouraged in Curlyland and The Church of Gwar makes literature and discographies available should our guests be interested in joining.
Right now we are in the entrance and foyer area of the facility. Known commonly as ‘The Hall of Hello’, it was designed by His Excellency himself and contains 300 portraits of King Curly giving slightly different versions of the thumbs up; his go‐to response to questions that he did not fully understand. Measuring at over 700 feet long, the hall itself has a moving floor to help reduce exercise and conserve energy. To quote His Excellency, “Walking around all day is a total bitch.”
You will have noticed that, over the years, everyday items have had their names changed. These new names are all part of a new language known as ‘Curlyspeak’. It is a language of his highnesses own making that uses proper nouns not only as a method of identification, but also to denote purpose. This makes things easier on his Excellency’s memory due to his inability to pay attention. Medication that is usually prescribed to people with Attention Deficit Disorder had become difficult to administer to King Curly because, to once again quote His Excellency, “They taste like shit when you chew them.” Therefore, Curlyland scientists have begun working on A.D.D. medication in the form of gummy bears; science having become a respected field of study in society. A stark contrast from the darker years previous when the economy dictated that profit should outweigh progress.
On our tour through the life of King Curly, we will all be regaled with audio confessionals and journals from those that have known, grown up with and worked with His Excellency. There will also be exhibits featuring personal items and trinkets formally belonging to our more revered leader. However, please be warned that while we here at The Department of Funky Town encourage questions, we do discourage touching any of the artifacts… especially in the case of our “Curly: The Collage Days” Exhibit. This is a rule in place for the safety of both the tour guides as well as the guests. To nail the point home, an overly excited guest jumped into Curly’s dorm room bed and was promptly put into quarantine with a new disease named after him.
We the staff and tour guides are hopeful that you all enjoy learning about our most revered and fearless leader as we at the Department of Funky Town continue our work to improve the tour and the facility. And so with that said, should it please you, feel free to fill out a comment card... and don’t forget to visit the gift shop for all of your Curlyland needs. After all, nothing says complete and utter devotion like a cheaply made T‐shirt.
Welcome to Curlyland!”