“So! Now that we’re all in Agreement.” The blonde haired, pasty skinned young man stood up and roared. His arms outstretched before him as if presiding before peasants and servants.
“Umm.” The curly haired, brown-skinned young man, raised his hand from the other side of the table. “I have an inquiry.”
A weary sigh left the blonde ones’ lips “About Nogi?”
“Why am I security? I’m the most skittish fucker here? I can barely stand cockroaches.” He protested.
A broad smile formed on the Blonde ones face as he pointed to the sheathed blade before him.
“Oh what the sword?” Nogi asked.
“Yes!” The blonde one nodded.
“Alvin I don’t actually know how to use that.” This was a lie. The young man did indeed know how to use it. He knew how to use it quite well. He was however, what one would call…unmotivated.
“It’s not like you’re going to be facing off against Musashi any time soon.” The young man to the right of Nogi responded. “Just pull it out, wave it around like you usually do. That ought to be enough to keep people in check.”
Nogi closed his eyes and winced.” There’s a penis joke I can’t be bothered to make in there…somewhere.”
Weighted sighs left the mouths of the young men around the table. Save Nogi of course.
“If you can’t use it then why do you have it?” The young man, arms folded, beside Alvin, folded his arms and leant back in his chair.
“WELL, Tom ASS. As most men over the age of fifty will tell you, it’s mine and I’ve had it a VERY long time. I’m not about to just give it up because I can’t use it."
“Do you always use insults to get your point across?” The one called Tõmas sighed.
“THAT!” Nogi held up a finger. A smile plastered across his face. “Was actually a penis joke. Plus an ass is a beast of burden so really, it’s your own fault if you take it as an insult and not a compliment.” Nogi laughed.
“Either way.” Alvin commanded. “Shit excuse. You’re still security. Moving on.”
“Wait, wait, wait!” Nogi shouted. He held his hands out in protest. “I’ve got a good reason.”
A sigh echoed beside Nogi. “Not this again.”
“Shut up Louis!” Nogi shouted as he turnt to his right.
“You use that fucking story for everything!” Louis groaned.
“What story?” Alvin asked.
“Don’t judge me Louis! It was sad and heart wrenching and beautiful. Exotic love in an exotic land.”
“So you’re admitting you enjoyed watching a Rottweiler fuck a Yorkie?” Louis asked.
Nogi almost fell back in his seat. He frantically waved his hands back and forth in denial. “I never said that. Don’t put words in my mouth man. If anything it’s like a bad car accident. It’s fucked up and somebody died, but damned if you can’t look away.”
“Wait someone died!?” Alvin asked.
“Necessary casualty. Plus I’m sure you can find another one like her if you look hard enough. Got to be a few stores that stock her around here.”
“What!?” Alvin shouted.
“That story is not true! You made it up with Maurice when you got drunk the other night.” Louis stated.
“It is true!” Nogi protested.” There’s still dog vomit in the dorms where—“
“Shut up! Shut up!” Alvin shouted.” Someone tell me what the FUCK you two are talking about?”
An excited smile crossed Nogis’ face as he readjusted himself and rubbed his hands together.”Ok! So!”
“Oh my god!” Louis exclaimed, as he covered his head with both hands and lay his head on the oval shaped table in front of him.
Nogis’ mind begun to travel back. It was a week ago. He remembered very clearly because, it was the first time he’d smelt fried chicken in months. His nose led him to the cafeteria. A frequent hidey hole of his. Although, he would deny that to death. On this day last week, Nogi was surprised to learn that somehow, after months of searching, someone had finally found raw meat. Raw chicken to be specific.
The oil it was being friend in smelt of grease and fat. A most unhealthy combination, prepared by chefs and staff who knew exactly what they were doing. After much pleading and careful manipulation. Nogi, or Nicolai as he’s known to TRUE friends, was able to acquire two pieces of succulent, juicy fried chicken.
How unfortunate for him, that he was so preoccupied with just getting the chicken, that he forgot condiments. Briskly! He ran inside to acquire both the ketchup and the mustard bottle. Only to be met with and eighty pound Rottweiler, drooling over his still hot chicken.
“Hey...Hey! You get away from that! You get!” Nogi shouted.
The dog became alerted and quickly snapped up the bigger of the two pieces on his plate.”Hey! You get back here you slobbery fuck!” Nogi shouted. He took off after the dog, but not before stopping to grab up the leg left on his plate.
Thus began a most comical chase. A massive black Rottweiler, chicken breast in its mouth. Being chased by an angry sword wielding young man, with a chicken leg in his mouth.
“Hold up!” Alvin interrupted. “I thought you said you had a problem waving the sword around?”
“No Tõmas said that about his penis. I just said I can’t use it.” Nogi nodded.
“I said no such thing!” Tõmas shouted, slamming his hands onto the table in anger.
“Enough.” Alvin pleaded, patting Tõmas on his rather bald head to calm him down.
Nogi continued to explain that in the rush of people, he had lost the dog. Not one to let things go easily, he began his search. The advantage he had, was that the dog was massive. It’d be borderline impossible, for anyone to miss a creature such as that. To top it off it stank of musk and dirt. The result of months and months of no owner to take care of it. Still, the dog had done well on its own. How else could it look so healthy.
It took all of fifteen minutes for Nogi to find it, but when he did, the sight he saw before him would be forever etched into his mind. The Rottweiler, chicken still between his jaws, was busy at work, pumping away at a Yorkshire terrier.
“I swear. It was like fuckin interracial porn for dogs.” Nogi shouted. His eyes were wide and his head shook slowly back and forth as he stared into the distance.
“What’s a Yorkshire terrier?” Alvin asked.
“Midget dog.” Louis groaned. His face still buried in the desk. “Really yappy, really tiny.”
“Oh!” Alvin exclaimed in realization. “Wait can a Rottweiler even have sex with a dog that size? Without killing it at least.”
“I’m sure there were similar questions asked about muscular men and petite women back in the day.” Nogi laughed.
“You’re aroused by this aren’t you?” Louis asked.
“Not at all.” Nogi shook his head.” This is all a process. It’s all me setting the record straight.”
Nogi continued. He explained that despite the Rottweiler sewing his oats, he wasn’t about to let the theft of his chicken, go unpunished. However in his approach of the dog, he was rather noisy. This caused the animal to take off mid coitus. As one would know in biology, whenever dogs mate, they will become stuck together. This is due to the males’ genitalia swelling while within the female.
What followed was yet another humorous chase. This time the Rottweiler, Yorkie still attached to his genitalia. Took off! Chased by an angry bespectacled young man, brandishing a Japanese sword.
“I don’t get it?” Alvin stated.” It’s been in the dogs’ mouth. The dog has been fucking another dog. WHY? On earth would you still want that piece of chicken?”
“It wasn’t about the damn chicken!” Nogi shouted as he slammed his fists onto the table. “It’s disrespectful! He stole my food then went home to fuck his girl? What kinda shit is that? How am I supposed to let that go?”
“You’re the higher life form?” Louis shrugged, finally raising his head from the desk.
“So that means I’m not supposed to hold grudges? That’d go against my very nature.” Nogi nodded with a smile.
The entire room was filled with sighs.” I’m angry I can understand that explanation.” Alvin groaned.
Nogi continued to explain that the chase took him towards the dorms. Where the Rottweiler ran into an open dorm room, in which the resident was in the process of changing.
“Why somebody would change with their door wide open is a mystery to me.” Nogi shrugged.
In fact the dorms’ resident did in fact have a reason. He had freshly come back from a jog and was about to throw on a numbered t-shirt, when the dogs burst in. The Rottweiler seemed to become agitated and started to bark at the half naked resident.
“Wait! How is he barking with chicken in his mouth?” Alvin asked.
“He dropped it,” Nogi said.
“So your grudge is strong enough to supersede the chicken and everything else?” Alvin asked.
An awkward silence fell over the room as Nogi mm’d aah’d and squinted his way toward a coherent response. “Ummmmm,yes?” Nogi shrugged.
Alvin proceeded to fold his arms and glare at Nogi “Once again. I’m angry that’s an acceptable answer.” He complained.
Nogi continued. The frightened resident scampered onto his dresser. Which! Mind you, didn’t actually stop the Rottweiler. Meanwhile the poor Yorkie yelped bloody murder. To defend himself the resident pulled from a nearby closet…A SEX DOLL.
“Wait!” Alvin interrupted.
“Please don’t make him explain that!” Louis pleaded.
“Why’d the guy pull out a sex doll?” Alvin asked.
“Are you honestly still trying to make sense of this story?” Tõmas asked Alvin.
“To defend himself.” Nogi answered with a smile.” Which I mean, I can’t blame the guy. He didn’t really have much options. All things considered, an anime blow up doll ain’t a bad weapon.”
Alvin made a little wince before he folded his arms. After paving up and down for a while, he stopped and said,” Ok! Continue.”
“Why!?” Louis shouted.
“I’m invested ok!? I have to know!” Alvin shouted back.
And so he did. Nogi continued to tell of how the resident grabbed the sex doll and began swinging at the agitated Rottweiler. However his aim was piss poor and he ended up hitting the poor, screeching Yorkie instead. At about the fifth swing the Rottweiler caught the doll. Deflating it until it was all too easy to tear to shreds.
“Where were you in all this?” Alvin asked.
“Outside,” Nogi responded.
“All of a sudden you’re not brave anymore?” Louis asked.
“Oh gee! Run in and attack an angry Rottweiler, attached to a scared Yorkie in a cramped dorm room. Fetching idea!” Nogi replied as he shook his head and glared at Louis.
“Can we wrap this up?” Alvin asked.” I’m getting scared to hear how much more this escalates.”
“Fine fine.” Nogi nodded.” So anyway. After tearing the doll to shreds, the Rottweiler and Yorkie took off out the dorm.”
“Oh come on!” Louis complained.” Where are they gonna go next? The hospital?”
“I don’t know if they did, but!” Nogi shouted, snapping his fingers as he did. “When I did find them again, they were under a tree canoodling. It was…so beautiful. So serene.”Nogi could begin to feel the sting of three intense glares baring down on him.
“How?...Is any of that? …A good excuse for not becoming head of security.” Alvin asked.
“Well one.” Nogi counted on his fingers.” Who chases a dog for fried chicken? It’s a dog!” He nodded. “Two, I hesitated to use my sword. That shows weakness. People need strength.” He counted his third finger.” Finally, when I saw him licking her little doggy vagina to soothe the pain…I cried. I wept like a baby! It was beautiful. It was…such a testament of love and marriage—“
“Wait marriage!?” Alvin asked.
“Well I mean…I’d like to think they’re married. I hate to think she went through all that for random street dick.” Nogi shrugged.
“Didn’t you say someone died?” Tõmas asked.
“Sex dolls are people too.”
“Ok stop! STOP!” Alvin shouted. Waving his hands back and forth in protest. “ If I believed ANY of that, it still wouldn’t disqualify you. You have a sword, the rest of us don’t! End of discussion.”
Nogi groaned and folded his arms. “ Ugh! Fine, but only if you call me by my proper name.”
Alvn looked at him like he was mad.” Dude…do you know how troublesome it is to say Nogueira every time?”
“Not Nogueira.” Nogi protested. “Nicolai.”
Alvin rolled his eyes and sighed. “Hell no!”
“Give me this one thing and I’ll do whatever you want.” Nogi pleaded.
Alvin put his hands on his waist and tapped his feet. He squinted in thought at Nogi for a few seconds before he pointed at him and said. “We’ll bring Gunther and Maurice in on it to vote.”
“On my name?”
“On your fucking position, you ass!” Alvin shouted.
“Fine.” Nogi nodded. He stood up and outstretched his hand to Alvin for a handshake. Alvin reciprocated. Breathing a sigh of relief, that he could FINALLY end the meeting in peace.