Dude's A Lady

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Chapter Sixteen

The cake on my lap was enscribed with a sloppy apology. It read,

We’re sorry for blacking out, almost killing that guy and giving you a tattoo.

I glared at the trio when the last part registered in my head. My eyes went wide with shock and I looked to them for answers.

“What the hell happened last night!” I demanded angrily. They all looked at each other sheepishly and worked together to fill in the gaps.

“Well it all started after our seventh shot.”

“We all danced in a thriller flash mob.”

“Then things unraveled from there…”


“Did you see that skeleton or was I the only one?” I giggled holding onto Lewiza for support as we both laughed.

“He went for that ridiculous back flip combo and fell flat on his face!” Lewiza choked on a sob of a laugh.

Chloe emerged from the crowd with a long pink flute. She drunk from the flute leisurely taking in Lewiza and my state. She raised an eyebrow at Dom and Antoine who were smirking at us.

“What’s with those two? They look like they’re about to piss their pants.” She asked.

“They’re light weights and they’re drunker than my aunt flo on Christmas.” Antoine answered.

I was not drunk for the record. If I was I couldn’t walk a straight line whilst saying the alphabet backwards.

“Ugh Vivian, what are you doing?” Dom asked.

“I’m proving my sobriety…duh.” I answered her going back to saying the alphabet backwards, “Z,Y, D, A,E,I,O,U.”

“That’s not right.” Chloe muttered.

“No I didn’t think so either.” I agreed after a moment.

After awhile we grew tired of the party. The tunnel had became too crowded and the good drinks were long gone. I think I even saw a group of homeless guys grinding on a group of greek nymphs.

“Where to next ladies?” Antoine asked as we aimlessly walked through the city. It had grown late and even though the city was still alive, many looked ready to head home.

We did not agree.

“We should go to 7/11 I’m thirsty!” Chloe whined.

“You sound thirsty.” Antoine joked. Chloe blinked not getting the joke.

“Well yeah I haven’t had anything to drink since those shots. I lost count already….wait. Are we going to 7/11 or not?” she scratched the back of her head and actually got her hand stuck in the red curls. “Ahh help! My hair is eating my hand!”

We all laughed hysterically as Dom the most sober out of all of us helped poor Chloe. She shrieked when Dom ripped a chunk of her hair to free her hand.

“My head hurts.”

“Sorry, my brain is only half functioning.” Dom admitted wearily.

“Look a store!” I shouted pointing at the small corner store. Chloe soon forgot about her head and skipped….the girl was wasted already, I mean she literally skipped to the store.

We followed behind her. Now that I think of it, my tummy and I could go for a nice Debby cake. So I skipped too.

What? Don’t fucking judge!

The guy behind the counter was a young man. Probably a college student or something. Or not, maybe he was a high school drop out. I mean you never know.

“Hey you!” I shouted. The guy looked up startled. He eyed me shyly and set down his comic book, “Are you a dropout?”

“Huh?” he scratched his head.

“Did you drop out of high school or college? Cause you work here and all….I don’t know I just assumed. But then again that could be incredibly rude of me. You could be paying your way through college. Or maybe you’re supporting a family…..OH MH GOD I’M A HORRIBLE PERSON!” I cried when I felt something odd hit my cheek. I touched my face that was now wet. “Oh no! My eyes are leaking and I’m a horrible person!” I sobbed now.

“Hey are you okay lady?” the guy raised his eyebrow.

“No!” I cried, ” I’m a mean person and my eyes won’t stop leaking. I think I’m broken!” I choked on a sob.

“Are you drunk kid?” he asked coming from behind the counter. He was pretty tall compared to me, even in my heels. He bent down to meet me at eye-level.

I sniffled and shook my head, “I’m completely sober.” I lied, “Why? Are you drunk?” I asked with a small voice.

Before he could answer, we both heard a loud crash from the back of the store. Curiosity got a hold of us two and we followed the noise only to find Lewiza sprawled on the ground underneath packets of Debby cakes.

“Is this how dying feels?” she asked then paused to open a brownie. She polished it quickly and sighed in content, “Dying is so cool.”

“Hey you have to pay for that!” 7/11 dude shouted. Yeah, I named him.

Lewiza looked up at us. “Vivian you died too?” then she narrowed her eyes at 7/11 dude, “This is heaven, and everything is free in heaven.” she retorted.

“Not in 7/11 they’re not. Now pay up lady.” he growled. Lewiza looked on the verge of strangling the poor sap when we heard shouting.

“For fuck sakes!” a deep voice growled. I helped Lewiza off the ground as she stuffed more Debby cakes in her already too tight dress. Together, along with the 7/11 dude, ran to the source.

If this isn’t Karma, I don’t know what is. Because laying in the middle of the isle with his butt in the air was none other than the drugged out knight.

“Butt hurt….knife…. Shank….saw this in an episode of prison break.” he huffed in a horrible slur.

“What happened!” 7/11 dude shouted angrily.

“Bro chill. This dude tried to drug my friend earlier, I was just avenging her. I’m a hero you know?” Antoine asnwered him in a chilled tone. He turned to wink at us. “You’re welcome.”

I snorted, by now my sniffling had stopped. “I could have taken care of him. He did drug himself because of me…indirectly.” I frowned. The guy on the ground growled in pain.

“I wished I never met you crazy people!”

“Dito!” Lewiza, Antoine, and I chorused.

The 7/11 dude glared at all four of us. “Are you all drunk?” he shouted.

“No.” I denied quickly.

“God’s can’t get drunk.” Antoine scoffed legitimately offended.

“D-define drunk. Dunk…they rhyme.” The half conscience knight slurred.

He was so wasted…

“Listen I feel really guilty about all of this.” Lewiza said calmly, “Here take this.” she said sweetly pulling out a Debby cake from her boob area and offering it to 7/11 dude. “Let’s forget you ever saw us.” she whispered loudly.

Antoine and I, face palmed together. “You still need to pay for those.” 7/11 dude pointed out. “And the one’s you stuffed in that dress.”

Lewiza rolled her eyes and slid closer to him. She pressed her chest against him and whispered in his ear loudly and seductively, “I’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse.” she purred.

The guy visibly gulped and gazed down at her with lust in his eyes. “Are-are you offering sex?” he stammered nervously. Lewiza gasped and pushed him away.

“Ew gross!” she shrieked, “I was just going to split half of the cakes with you! Are you some perv or something!” Antoine and I laughed as the 7/11 dude blushed.

“Alright that’s it, I’m calling the cops.” he decided, angrily pushing past us to the phone.

“No wait, we’re not drunk!” all three of us chorused then stared at each other. We were on a roll tonight with all this synchronizing.

Then as if God hadn’t had his whims with us already, Chloe appeared. She held packets of gross condoms in her hands. “There’s free balloons in the bathrooms, but only in the boys.” she said excitingly. Dom came from the back of the store where Chloe had entered and looked out of breath.

I was wondering where those two were…..

“Chloe those aren’t balloons you buffoon! Put them ba-” Dom said but froze when she saw the scene in front of her.

By now the drugged out knight was knocked out, sleeping on the ground with his butt in the air. 7/11 dude had the phone clutched in his hand glaring at Lewiza who was stuffing her face in brownies. Chloe unwrapped the condom and stuck her hand in it, giggling. Then there was Antoine and I who were laughing like hyenas when I kicked the knights butt and watched as he toppled over completely.

“Excuse me sir, can you not call the cops?” Dom asked politely. The cashier glared at her, passed the point of politeness himself.

And to show this he dialed the number in front of us. “Yes this is the 7/11 on maine street. I have a couple intoxicated teen- umph!”

“Lewiza what the hell!” Dom screamed as she tried to pry Lewiza off 7/11 dude.

Lewiza didn’t mind her one bit. She pulled her fist back and punched him once in the nose. He cried out and yelled into the phone, “Hurry I’ve been hit by Elsa!”

Lewiza pulled her fist back one more time and watched in amusement as he flinched. “We have bad blood mate! We used to have mad love.” she said intensely. I couldn’t help but applaud her and Chloe and Antoine praised her.

“You idiots-” Dom growled when the awful sound of sirens pierced the air.

“Shit!” Lewiza cursed, “I’m not legal, they’ll send me back to England or Guantanamo bay for terrorists….let’s go!” she shouted climbing off 7/11 dude who groaned in pain on the ground next to the drugged out knight.

We all bolted for the door when I turned around and stared at 7/11 dude. “I’m sorry about you dropping out of school, and my friends.” he groaned in response but a Debby cake next to limp body caught my attention, I quickly snatched it and added, “oh and for taking this. Bye, happy Halloween!” I cheered.

“Vivian!” Chloe screamed my name.

Right, still running from the cops….

“It’s so pretty.” I mumbled enchanted by this majestic animal. You may call him Sledge.

“Thanks I got this in the back of a van at Coachella two years ago.” he told me proudly.

Sledge was such a cool guy. Much cooler than that 7/11 dude. You don’t hear about cool people calling the cops. That’s unheard of.

That’s why I like Sledge. He saved me and my friends from the cops. And we ended up here in a quant tattoo parlor.

“You should get one.” Chloe giggled from beside me as she poked at a tribal tattoo Sledge had inked on his arm.

He seemed to have enjoyed the attention of us girls.

“Get one?” I asked.

“A permanent drawing, duh!”

Permanent drawing?” I frowned.

“She means a tattoo.” Sledge informed me. My eyes widened…no. There was no way I was wasted enough to get inked up.

“Nuh uh!” I shook my head.

“Chicken.” Lewiza pitched in.

“I’m not a chicken!”

“Is exactly what a chicken would say.” Antoine snickered joining in on the bullying. Even sensible Dom was watching on in amusement.

“I know what you guys are doing.” I huffed.

“Oh, and what’s that?” Chloe asked.

“You’re trying to rile me up so then I’d say- I’m not a chicken. I’ll get the tattoo to prove you all wrong!”

“Okay.” Chloe said with a faint grin.

“Okay what?” I raised my eyebrow.

“Okay you’ll get a tattoo.” The evil red head snickered, “And I’m the dumb one.” she sighed.

I looked to the others for help. They all raised their hands in mock surrender. “What just happened?!?” I asked on the verge of hysteria.

“You were duped by our baby Chloe.” Dom answered.

“Why are you so calm about this?” I cried out when Chloe returned with a big tattooed rock….but you may refer to him as the tattoo artist Rámon.

“We sort of kinda…”

“You’re not her first victim.” Lewiza said nonchalantly, filling in the gaps for Antoine.

“What are you all….” I trailed off as the trio stood up to reveal matching tattoos.

Lewiza had hers on her hip. Dom’s was below her ear. Antoine’s was on his forearm and was a little larger than the girls quarter sized tattoos. Chloe decided then to flash me her back shoulder that held the same symbol. Unfortunately that meant flashing her bra to us as she slipped off the dress.

The tattoo itself was beautiful. Simple, yet appealing to the eye. An arror snapped in two and curled at the end. The two seemingly going in different directions.

“Whoa.” I breathed. “Why did you all get these?” I asked.

“It’s sort of our symbol. It’s called a malin, it means we have to face setbacks to move forward. And in this cut throat world we have to face obstacles, but it makes us stronger.” Dom explained.

“So are you in?” Lewiza asked.

“I have a choice?”

“No of course not.” Chloe snorted.

“Chlo!” Lewiza chastised her.

“No,no I think it’ll be cool.” I assured them. Then I sat down and gave Rámon instructions of where I wanted it and how big.


“I can’t believe we did all that.” I mumbled. I rubbed the sore spot on my ribs.

Reluctantly I lifted my shirt and grazed the tattoo. It was different from the others. The malin was still the same, a little bigger than the girls but smaller than Antoine’s. Then in neat cursive writing the words, Move Forward laid beneath the arrow.

“It’s pretty cool.” Chloe smiled.

“Yeah it is.” I smiled then paused as something else dawned on me, “Wait, you said we almost killed a guy. What do you mean by that?” I asked.

All three of them shared an unspoken conversation. Then they all dove into an insane story. The story of a drunk knight, Chloe’s bow and arrow prop, and the rest of us wondering if Chloe had good aim while intoxicated. The answer?

Yes, just ask the knight that’s currently residing in the hospital.

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