Dude's A Lady

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Chapter Twenty Seven

“Whoa…what happened?” Ty mumbled in shock as we witnessed the disaster before us.

My parents were covered in gravy from head to toe. They didn’t look a bit amused. Lewiza was holding Chloe back by the hair as she tried to escape. Antoine was cuddling the turkey against his chest with cranberry sauce slathered on his face and a feared look in his eyes. Dom was straddling Nicky who was screaming profanities. Then there was Sawyer who was shielding Sophia in his arms. Her dress was ripped around the collar.

All in all, the damage was pretty bad.

“I’ve only been gone ten minutes. How did things escalate this far?” I asked no in particular. “And Antoine stop cuddling the turkey!”

“I’ll tell you what fucking happened!” Nicky snapped shoving Dom off of her. “Your band of freaks happened!”

“That’s not nice Nicole.” My mother chatised her.

“This family is fucking-”

“Amazing!” my friends chorused out of habit.

“You’re all psycho! Every single one of you. I-I can’t do this anymore. Dealing with Vivian, the brat, was one thing. But her freakshow is pushing it too far.” Nicky growled at all of us. She turned to Sawyer who was still holding onto Sophia. “Get rid of them Sawyer. All of them.” she demanded glaring at Sophia in digust.

Sawyer laughed like a fucking maniac. We all watched as my cool and collected brother fell off his hinges. Usually I was the one losing my cool, so it was a sight to see my brother go off the rails.

“This is going to be good.” I mumbled under my breath.

“Stop laughing or have you gone insane like the rest of them?” Nicky snapped frustrated.

“I’m laughing because these psychos are better company than you.” Sawyer sobered up enough to say.

“Should we be offended?” Lewiza piped in.

“Maybe, but they’re not lying.” Antoine shrugged dropping the turkey.

“I’d rather hang out with them than you. Is that telling you anything? That I much rather spend the holidays with my dysfunctional family, my sister’s crazy friends….” Sawyer paused his rant and looked down at Sophia. His hazel eyes softened and she looked at him in warm awe. “And with Sophia Pierce. The only girl who has ever made me think twice and who drives me crazy more than anyone.” he said softly.

“Aww.” I cooed ruining their moment. But could you blame me? If you saw a worthy Nicholas Sparks moment going down in front of you- you’d fucking aww too.

“Her?” Nicky laughed bitterly. “You’re going to dump me for little Miss.America? Get real Sawyer, she probably still believes in the tooth fairy and Santa Claus.” Nicky snorted.

“Bro what is she even babbling about? All I hear is ’Waah-wah wah- wah wah wah.” Chloe said mimicking Nicky with her hand. “You’re a fucking tyrant Ricky! How dare you say there isn’t a tooth fairy or a Santa Claus. You have no hearsay and that’s why I think we should bring back the guillotine, for the sole purpose of executing you.” She ranted, making no sense at all.

“Down girl, return to earth would you.” Lewiza coaxed Chloe.

“Shut it British invader zim!” Chloe snapped growing hysterical. I knew this was the point of no return.

Chloe was hellbent on hating Nicky. She had a thing about her. She could be the sweetest girl in the world if she liked you. But if for some reason Chloe hated you, then she was the terminator on a mission to destroy you in every way possible. And anyone who got in her way would fall victim to her.

That’s why I was not going to get involved. This was a wreck I’d much rather witness than get involved with.

“Chloe!” Lewiza cried out offended and with every right…but like I said I wasn’t going to get involved.

“I’m sorry Lew, you know I love you.” Chloe apologized sincerly.

“Aww-” Lewiza cooed quick to forgive her.

“BUT THE SAME CAN’T BE SAID FOR RICKY!” Chloe growled throwing her anger at her target.

“My name is Nicky!” Nicky cried out frustrated.

“Yeah yeah whatever Ricardo.” Chloe waved her off only half listening now.

“I hate everyone! I hate every single one of you imbeciles!” Nicky screamed finally falling off her hinges. “Sawyer you have to choose now. It’s either me-” she said pointing at herself confidently, “Or her.” she sneered at Sophia.

Sawyer raised his eyebrow surprised. Like the rest of us, we thought he made it crystal clear. He had chosen Sophia and I suppose Nicky didn’t understand that.

Or maybe she did, but she was in serious denial.

“Dude, I choose Soph. I thought I made that clear?” he frowned in confusion.

“That’s true.” I nodded, butting in.

“Fine!” Nicky cried out like a spoiled brat. “But just know this Sawyer King, I will never take you back!” she growled her empty threat in face.

“Promise?” Sawyer pouted sarcastically. In retaliation Nicky screamed again, by this point I resorted to throwing a dinner roll at her.

There had to be an off button right?

“Vivo, not nice.” Ty chatised me grabbing my hand before I reached for a second roll. I stared at him flatly—he was such an adult sometimes.

“Fun sucker.” I grumbled immaturely. Ty grinned widely.

“Or am I an opportunist?” he raised his eyebrow gesturing to our joined hands. My cheeks burned and I snatched my hand back.

“Shut up.” I mumbled embarrassed. The what if’s that ran wild in my head were dangerous. I didn’t need to feed into it.

Thoughts of Ty had distracted me from the soap opera in my dining room. It was when Ty grabbed me by the waist and shielded me with his body that I snapped out of it.

Somewhere in my lost reverie, Nicky had succumbed to throwing dishes around. My parents were lost under the dinner table. Chloe was standing on the table laughing like a fucking maniac. Antoine and Lewiza were using dinner platters as shields. Sawyer and Sophia were trying to hide under the safety of the table but my parents wouldn’t let them for obvious reasons. Dom was the only sensible one, as she tried to coax Nicky out of her rampage.

“Nicky how about you drop the plate? We can talk about this rationally and no one gets hurt.” Dom said slowly trying to get through a hysterical Nicky.

I winced when I heard another dish break. Ty shielded me from the crossfires and I couldn’t have been more grateful.

“She’s crazy!” Ty hissed tightening his arms around me.

“You’re telling me.” I agreed when the sounds of plates crashing stopped. Ty reluctantly let me go as we checked to see if the coast was clear.

We couldn’t have been more wrong.

Nicky clutched her stomach and crossed her legs. We all sort of came out of our hiding spots to see what was wrong. A loud fart resounded and we all collectively grimaced when Nicky made a mad dash to the bathroom.

At least I hope she was heading there.

“Did a fart just save our lives?” Sawyer asked breaking the silence. As we had all just stood there confused about what had just happened.

“The prophecy long ago told of a wild gust that would save those in danger. Bloody hell, grandmother wasn’t senile.” Lewiza mumbled in disbelief.

“Guys chill, before dinner started I slipped a laxative in her drink. Took long enough to kick in.” Chloe snorted.

“She also said an unlikely hero with wild red locks would be our savior!” Lewiza gasped before seemingly talking to the ceiling. “I’m sorry for not believing you, you old bat!” she cried out.

“Is anyone going to explain what the hell happened tonight?” Dad asked raising his eyebrow.

“Do you actually want an explanation pops?” Sawyer asked knowing our dad wasn’t too concerned about the train wreck that went down.

“Nope.” dad shook his head. “I’m going to get cleaned up and then I’m going to Denny’s for an anticlimactic dinner.” he sighed tiredly before turning to mom. “Wanna join? We can talk about that one time we almost sold the twins for a pair of Nirvana tickets.”

“What!” Sawyer and I cried out offended.

“Ahh the good ole days.” Mom reminisced along with dad. “Sorry kiddos. Take care of the mess and do something about Nicole.”

“We can’t go with you?” I whined seeing as I didn’t want to clean after the mess. Though this is partly my fault….okay it was sort of my whole fault.

“No way, sorry sweetie you’re 50% problematic…and Sawyer is the missing 50%. But we love you.” Dad said as if that was any better. I was not problematic. Sawyer maybe, but me?

I’m not the one with the psycho ex.

“Did we just get dissed by our parents?” Sawyer asked when our parents left to clean themselves up.

“They threw major shade.” Antoine butted in.

“So now what?” I asked after the hype died down.

“We do what we always do. We adapt.” Sawyer said solemnly.

“Did you get that off of dark shadows?” I asked. It was definitely from that movie.

“Noo.” Sawyer drawled averting his eyes to the floor and mumbling to himself. “It was a great underrated movie with a stellar cast. It may be Johnny Depp’s most amazing performance but those dumb critics thought otherwise.”

“Come on guys, we should clean this up before your parents come back.” Dom said taking her natural role as the leader. We lumbered around lazily, none of us really in the mood for cleaning up. But did that phase Dom? “Now!” she demanded.

And like school children, we all shuffled to clean up.

“I don’t like this game.” Chloe whined from the safe zone.

“Aww Chloe, it’s just until we’re done cleaning.” Sophia reassured her. She was the only kind one out of all us. She was actually the ONLY one with enough patience to deal with her.

“Okay I get that….but why did you have to tie me to a chair?” she asked. We all collectively stopped what we were doing and stared at her flatly.

“Get real little red.” Antoine rolled his eyes annoyed.

“You only complained for about the first thirty minutes-” Lewiza elaborated.

“Then you cut your hand on the glass twice, on purpose. Because you thought you could make a deal with the devil so you wouldn’t have to clean up.” Sawyer added gesturing to her bandaged hand.

“Don’t even get me started on how you then tried to cut me because you thought a virgin would make a better sacrifice!” I snapped and pointed to a small jagged cut on my arm from when I barely dodged Chloe.

Chloe sighed dramatically and then grinned at us with her silly smile. She seemed so smug and proud of herself. “Yes but it worked!” she pointed out.

“What the flip are you talking about?” I raised my eyebrow.

“Who’s the one cleaning and who’s the one not?” she asked gesturing to our currenct positions.

“Not all evil geniuses have PhD’s from evil med school….sometimes they’re red heads with ditzy facades. My god she’s good.” Ty mumbled in disbelief. My eyes widened when I realized Chloe got exactly what she wanted.

Damn the girl is good.

“So can I get untied now?” she asked sweetly.

“No!” We all growled.

“At least I pulled my weight in your operation Vivian. Doesn’t that count for something?” she pouted.

“Yeah it does.” I sighed, “It means that you’re an evil genius that needs to be kept close for world domination in the future. You did good little red, you did good.” I smiled patting her head like a puppy.

“Woof woof!” she winked at me and I couldn’t stay mad at my little red. She did what no other human being could do. She broke Nicky and I couldn’t have been prouder.

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