Dude's A Lady

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Chapter Thirty One

Imagine an ostrich in the middle of a flock of flamingos. That was me. I was the ostrich and the club we were in was filled with men who represented these flamingos. Now imagine the loudest flamingo that twerked for drinks and you have my dear friend Antoine.

“How drunk are you Antoine?” I asked wearily when we had a moment to ourselves.

“I don’t know? Can you feel this?” he asked before he slapped me. My head whipped sideways upon impact. I turned and glared at Antoine. I rubbed my cheek and could tell I was going to feel that sooner rather than later.

“What the fuck? Yes I can feel that you ass wipe!” I snapped shoving him away from me.

“Then I’m drunker than you are, obviously.” he drawled out in a duh, tone. “So guess what I just did?” he said excitingly, jumping on the balls of his heels.

“I don’t know? You didn’t get yourself pregnant did you, we do have school Monday you know.” I replied sarcastically.

“Wha-No! I just met these two guys who are going to this new fight club that opened up on the other side of town.” he grinned happily pointing out the two guys. I eyed them wearily.

“Antoine, I don’t think that’s such a great idea. These guys could turn into Jeffrey Dahmer, real quick. Before you know it, we’re in the back of their van getting dismembered and eaten by them.” I said growing paranoid. Trusting strangers in a bar was never a good idea. I’d seen to many episode’s of dateline and criminal minds to be that naive.

“But it’s a new club and Xander the bartender already warned everyone that I’m an underage drinker. So please can we go? Please!” he begged tugging my arm.

“Fine—but we’re not going with them. We’re taking a cab and I’m googling this place to make sure it’s legit.” I relented.

“Whatever, mother.” Antoine rolled his eyes.

Turns out that the club was in fact, real. It was a club that hosted amateur mud wrestling. Anyone could get in the muddy ring. It was also an LGBTQ friendly place.

Of course Antoine made me double check for a bar. I was really concerned that he was driven mad by alcohol.

“Look a mud wrestling pit!” Antoine squealed with excitement as we first entered the building. It was a huge warehouse that was littered with tables where you can watch the matches. The mud pit itself, was very large but was caged off in a high metal fence. Of course the bar was not far away for the patrons of the establishment.

“No!” I immediately protested when I saw a small lanky man get dragged out of the pit by two volunteers. Antoine’s face quickly dropped before he smirked at me with a hint of boyish mischief. I narrowed my eyes at him not at all in love with his face.

In fact, I was sure he was going to say something stupid.

“I know what you need.” he nodded. “We have a newbie here! He’s a closeted gay man and he needs to be welcomed!” Antoine announced loudly to the rest of the club.

Antoine never disappointed. I knew he would say something stupid. But something that stupid was a shocker—even to me!

“Shut up you moron!” I hissed just as the music stopped playing. Everyone in the club turned to us before a very large drag queen emerged from the crowd.

Everyone fanned out as she walked towards us. She was a very hard woman to miss. Her heals gave her the hight of an Amazonian woman, only fictional in the world of DC. She had pale porcelain skin that was caked on by very bright and colorful makeup that dramatized her features. She was decked out in a red shimmery dress that had a dangerously high slit and a white feathered boa that draped over her shoulders.

I gupled and looked at up at her towering figure. She was so….tall.

“Is this true?” she raised her eyebrow directly addressing me. I was in sweats, should I have said no or yes? I wasn’t a gay man—but that was only because I wasn’t a man at all. I wasn’t even a real boy! I related to Pinocchio so much right about now!

So I went with what first came to mind.

“I like dudes…big hot dudes! I like them all, I’m a huge slut for men!” I declared loudly and awkwardly. “It’s like a workshop down there-all day er day! It’s just a non stop shop down there….it’s never closed. Never, not even on holidays!”

“Okay….” the lady whistled under her breath. Beside me, Antoine was trying his best not to crack up.

I could feel my face, flush red. Did I just call my fake penis a workshop? And did I just announce I was a huge slut in front of a packed club?

The answer was yes to all. The virgin just made a fool of herself and let me clarify again the dumbest virgin on the face of the earth just did that.

Now let me die in shame…..I hope my family and friends think fondly of me after I’m gone.

“Well baby, we appreciate your honesty. My name is Daphne Divine and welcome to my personal fight club, Brad Pitt.” she said introducing herself with a kind smile.

“You named this place after Brad Pitt? Fucking sick!” Antoine exclaimed happily. He was a Brad Pitt enthusiast.

“How could I not? He inspired this whole idea because of his performance in ‘fight club’.That movie was inspiring. People just need to fight it out sometimes and this is what out club is. Just fighting and enjoying the entertainment while getting wasted.” Daphne explained.

“Move over Betty White, I think I just found my new spirit animal.” Antoine muttered in complete awe of Daphne.

“And you two are?” she asked tilting her head to the side. Seeing as Antoine was drooling over the existence of his newest idol, I introduced ourselves.

“Hello I’m Sawyer and this is Antoine.” I said putting my hand out. Daphne Divine shook her head and crushed me in a bear hug. My eyes flew open in shock as this was completely surprising to me.

This woman was big-like really big. She was made of pure muscle and it felt like I was being crushed in between two boulders. I think at one point, she lifted me off the ground. But who knows, I was losing oxygen.

Finally, Daphne placed me back on the ground. I sighed in relief and steadied myself.

The club suddenly came to life again as the music started up again. Daphne moved to walk away but stopped short and turned back to me.

“You and your friend are going in the ring after this match.” she winked.

“Wait what?”

“This night just gets better!” Antoine cheered. I nudged Antoine in ribs out of irritation.

“All newcomers are required to at least try mud wrestling with our drag queen reigning champ.” she informed us. “Since you and your friend are new here, that means you two are going up tonight.” she informed us.

“Sounds cool. What’s our prize if we win?” Antoine asked eagerly. Daphne looked at the two of us and laughed. She laughed as if winning was the funniest thing she heard off. Daphne even began to tear up with laughter!

“Aww you two are cute. I like your optimism.” she laughed through her tears.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I frowned.

“Your opponent is Mouse, no one has ever beat Mouse.” she sobered up with a straight face.

“Mouse?” Antoine scoffed, “Show me this mouse, because I am 100% confident I’m going to win. Go on, show us this poor man’s Mickey Mouse and let me have a laugh.”

Daphne pointed over to the mud ring where a match was going on. A man dressed in drag annihilated his smaller opponent. And all this while dressed in a purple onsie with little mice on it.

Antoine and I both cringed and looked away when the bigger man body slammed his opponent.

“That’s mouse.” Daphne said pointing at the large creature who was hungry for more prey. Unfortunately for us, Antoine and I were it’s next scheduled meal.

“Haha.” Antoine mumbled flatly staring at the murder we were witnessing before our eyes.

“I’m sorry, did you say that’s mouse or the long lost member of the avengers? We’ll get slayed out there and I don’t mean in the trendy way either!” I cried out going into full panic mode.

“We can take him.” Antoine nodded but even I could smell his fear. “Now just out of curiosity, what’s the prize if we win?” he asked biting his lip nervously.

Daphne snorted and shook her head. “If you two manage to defeat Mouse, then drinks are free to you two for the evening, in fact I’ll serve free drinks to everyone tonight.” she bargained because even she knew this task was impossible.

“Yeah…I don’t think so.” I shook my head quick to decline the offer. “See I like living. It’s not easy all the time but I’m not exactly heaven material just yet, and I have quite an amount of self work to do before I’m even on the angel waiting list. So dying isn’t exactly an option at the moment.” I rambled, overly nervous.

“Free drinks you say?” Antoine mused& speaking over me. I threw a deadly glare at Antoine willing him to shut up before we ended up in deeper shit. “Throw in one of those funny looking margarita glasses and we’ll not only win but Mouse will be pinned down within five minutes.”

“Are you crazy!” I cried, “Don’t listen to him, he’s just drunk.” I said, turning to Daphne quickly.

“Sweetie, if you can pin Mouse in five minutes then you can have the wig off my head.” Daphne chuckled walking off.

“Challenge accepted!” Antoine called after her.

When Daphne was out of earshot, I punched Antoine in the shoulder. “Are you stupid? Are you suicidal? Do you hate me for some reason?” I growled punching his shoulder with each question.

“Calm down Vi!” Antoine whined catching my fist and holding it back. “We can take on the mouse. We’re Maddie Dale girls—we’re predators like that.” he tried to assure me.

“Correction- I’m a Maddie Dale girl, you’re a boy Antoine.” I raised my eyebrow. “And you can’t compare being competitive with being physically able to pin a grown beast like the mouse!”

“Listen, with my great poker face and determination, buns of steel, sex appeal, good hair, smile that could charm a corpse and…..your quick feet and athletic history, we have this in the bag.” Antoine waved me off like it wasn’t a big deal. However I consider my death a very big deal.

“What the hell are you talking about?” I shouted angrily. Antoine ignored my distress and put his hands on my shoulder.

“Do you trust me?” he asked.


“Do believe in me?” he asked again.

“I believe your only motivation in all of this is alcohol and I’m concerned!” I snapped.

“I’m so glad we went out tonight. I feel like its brought us together closer as roommates.” Antoine smiled lazily completely ignoring my blatant fear.

“We’ll be so close, our friends and family will have a two for one special on our caskets.” I mumbled sarcastically.

“Just follow my plan and we’ll be the gay man’s robin hood. Everyone will love us!” Antoine grinned confidently. When he looked at my fear strickened face he sighed. “Come on Vi, we can do this. Live a little and stop being such a Debby downer.”

“I’m not a Debby downer!”

“I brought you out tonight for one sole purpose. Why did I bring out Vi?” he raised his eyebrow.

“To get me blatantly drunk and killed.” I answered flatly, allowing each word to drip with sarcasm.

“No.” he shook his head, “I brought you out because you needed to relax and forget about those two boys who’s names shall not mentioned. They are both screwing with your head-unintentionally.”

“So getting me killed is going to help?” I raised my eyebrow.

“It’s not conventional, but my method is working.” he smirked.


“Think about it….has those that shall remain nameless, crossed your mind at all tonight?” he asked pointedly.

“No….not at all.” I mumbled in shock. Holy shit, Antoine really did help. Though he had an obnoxious method—he fucking did it.

“Now fight alongside me not with me.” he bowed offering me his hand like a gentleman. Sighing in defeat, I took his hand. Antoine looked up at me with a triumphant smirk.

“We’re going to do aren’t we?” I asked wearily.

“Yeah, most likely.” he nodded with his unrelenting charm that was more then deceitful….it was deadly.

“Alright ladies and gents, this is how it’ll go down. No crying, no whining, and no dying—I don’t want to end up in another FBI cas file.

If you’re new tonight, then you’re going in the pit, there are no if, ands, or buts, about it. One of our newbies are a pair of boys who have more faith than I do going through a detox.” Daphne announced through a Mic. “If these two boy can pin down Mouse in five minutes then everyone drinks for free tonight!”

The crowd cheered with an overwhelming sense of excitement. My legs were shaking with fear as I looked into the pit. Mouse was waiting for us. His grim expression as our eyes met didn’t ease my fear either.

“Fuck, we’re going to die!” I hissed at Antoine.

“Remember the strategy.” he mumbled to me. I nodded silently, but felt my stomach in knots.

“Run until the five minutes are up?” I asked hopeful. Antoine turned to me with a sober face.

“This isn’t an episode of iCarly and we’re not going up against a twig like Shelby Marx. This is fucking mouse and we’re the one in his mouse trap.” Antoine frowned finally showing how scared he was.

“I wish we had a tough friend like Sam.”

“We do.” Antoine smiled warmly.

“Really? Where is she?” I asked looking around frantically.

“It’s you Vi. You’re our Sam. You are a running machine, you played football with big high school guys. I believe in you. You’re our Sam!” he pepped talk me.

“You’re going to hide behind me, aren’t you?” I narrowed my eyes at him. Antoine smiled sheepishly and gestured to his face.

“My face is my money maker.” he defended himself.

Before I could retort with a sharp remark, Daphne rang a bell. I quickly turned to Antoine as we both wore the same expression.

“Split up!” he yelled shoving me out of the way as Mouse hurdled towards us. “Take the emo!” Antoine shouted at Mouse, redirecting him towards me.

However, Antoine’s demands fell to deaf ears. The Mouse created his war path towards Antoine first. I grinned in satisfaction as I created as much space as I could between me and the killing machine.

“I said the emo, not the blonde Adonis!” Antoine cried out. The mouse grabbed Antoine by the collars of his shirt and slammed into the mud. Antoine rolled around ailing his hurt back.

“Oh my god!” I gasped as I watched Antoine float in and out of consciousness. “His favorite cardigan! Noo it was Egyptian cotton and it was imported with ten dollar shipping! have you no humanity?” I cried out in vain.

Mouse ignored me and picked up Antoine’s limp body. My breathing grew ragged as I was taken over by an overwhelming sense of heroism. Before I could second guess myself, I ran full force towards mouse screaming a warrior cry.

I leaped on the mouse’s back and locked my arms around his throat. The mouse went wild and began to swing around to shake me off. But I kept my firm grip. In the process he dropped Antoine. I caught sight of him crawling away to safety.

Things were going well….until the mouse managed to flip my body over his head. I let out a very feminine scream when he practically body slammed me into the mud.

I just sort of laid there on my side and looked to my left side. Antoine cracked open his eyes and frowned.

“You tried to save me….” he rasped.

“Not really you, just your sweater.” I confessed.

“That’s even better.” he grinned lazily.

“We can still beat him you know.” I mumbled quietly to him. “I’ll jump his back again and while he’s busy bucking me off, you hit him in his family jewels. When he’s down, you grab him in a hud lock and I’ll tackle his body.” I devised quickly while Mouse did a victory lap around the pit.

“Let’s do this!” Antoine grinned.

Taking advantage of the mouse’s arrogance, I did another sneak attack. I jumped on his back but this time I held a firm grip around him. He tried bucking me off but to no avail.

“Looks like I can scratch off mechanical bull riding from my bucket list!” I replied sarcastically in Sawyer’s voice.

“Off….get off mouse!” the killing machine growled in broken English.

“This is for my cashmere!” Antoine cried out charging for Mouse before strucking him in his manhood. Mouse growled but didn’t double over in pain.

My eyes grew wide in shock. Then I mentally face palmed myself. Drag Queen fighting…..fuck why didn’t I think of that sooner!

“Uh Sawyer, he didn’t go down. Why didn’t he go down!” Antoine cried out, backing away. The mouse inched closer to Antoine with me still clinging to his back like a spider monkey.

“He’s tucked in Antoine! His penis is invincible and we only angered the beast!” I cried out. “Abort mission! Abort fucking mission!”

“No wait!” Antoine yelled, “I have an idea!”

Before I could blink, Antoine quickly ran around the beast. He yanked me off his back and tugged me to the opposite end of the pit.

“Quick! How do you tackle people down? What’s the technique?” he demanded hastily as Mouse advanced towards up in a menacing strut.

“Ah-uh we square our shoulders to our hips.” I stuttered recalling the techniques I had learned in football. I pushed my shoulder forward and did the legal tackle stance. “Push your body forward and use your shoulder as a block.”

“We need to tackle him down. The five minutes are almost up!” Antoine reminded me. “We’ll do it together and with enough force, we can do it!”

I nodded and waited for Antoine’s signal. When the mouse hit our mark we both bolted towards him in full throttle. Using our shoulders as blockers we rammed into the mouse.

He fell back on his back with a loud grunt. Together, Antoine and I pinned his shoulder just in the nic of time.

The bell signaled the end of the match. I sighed a breath of releif when the pits gates opened. I was coated in mud, sweat and victory.

Antoine and I exited the pit with a sense of newfound freedom. We had defeated a large undefeated mud wrestling, drag queen. I felt good and able to do anything.

“You did it….Vivian.” Antoine smirked later on that night as we had our first victory shot. I clinked my glass against his and nodded.

We did it.” I smiled.

“If you can tackle down and beat a large drag queen in mud wrestling, with your life on the line. Then you can deal with two measly boys. You are capable of anything.” he said wisely.

“Thanks for everything tonight Antoine.” I smiled.

Thank you.” he replied. “Now I have this really sick Amy Winehouse-eque wig. Ahh, the places we’ll go.” he sighed in content.

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