Chapter thirty Seven
I didn’t go after him, after Ty left. I didn’t have the right to chase after him. I had hurt him and he needed space.
I could understand that.
Afterwards, I called Sawyer up and had him come pick me up. The ride home was a silent and tense one. I let the indie music station fill in the empty spaces in the car. Nothing could be said to make this feeling going away.
Gingerly, I touched my bottom lip and remembered how it felt when he kissed me. The way it seemed so sweet and long awaited. Like we were craving for it and we had finally caved into the temptation. Tyson liked me, he really liked me.
At least he did, before I dropped the ’my heart is a hoe’ bomb.
Then I remembered the way my stomach screwed up in knots when he stormed out. It was like watching his whole demeanor change. He wasn’t just Tyson anymore. He was more than that and I had lost him.
“I told him.” I said without preamble.
“I figured.” Sawyer replied without missing a beat, “I’m guessing you told him about Blake too?” he raised his eyebrow, briefly looking over to me before his eyes trained on the road again.
“How do you know about him too?” I furrowed my brows.
“We have twin powers.” He answered simply. I scoffed and stared at him flatly. “It also helped that Sophia told me.” he added sheepishly.
“Knew she would tell you eventually.” I shrugged, “Sawyer? What did you do when you had to choose between Soph and Nicky?” I asked, hoping he would give me a clear answer.
He had been in similar shoes, not long ago. However, his choice seemed pretty obvious. A blind man in China with no sense of direction could clearly see that Sophia had my brothers heart.
But maybe, just maybe Sawyer had his doubts. They say love can make the most level headed people foggy in the head. What if I was foggy? What if what I saw in each of the boys was just an idea, and not the real thing?
Falling in love with an idea was only falling into a trap. I didn’t want to be trapped.
“I looked at each of them. I really had to look at them and find something that the other didn’t have. Then I tried to see myself living without both of them. I couldn’t see myself living without Soph.” he answered as if that easy enough. I narrowed my eyes at him skeptically.
“But you had only known Soph for a few months. Nicky had been around for years. Didn’t that freak you out? Loving someone in such a short amount of time?” I asked.
“Well, you see, I thought the same way you’re thinking right now. But then I had to remind myself that love can not be measured in time, it can’t be measured in space. Love can’t be measured by quantity of any sorts. Love is this huge mass that embodies your heart and soul. It’s the butterflies, the fireworks, the ache in your heart when you say goodbye.” he said with a goofy grin on his lips, as we drove through the dark winding streets to our house. I closed my eyes and relaxed in my seat, as I let the lyrics of the song playing fill in the quiet of the car.
There was no need to respond.
“Aren’t you going to finish eating Vivi?” Mom asked with a subtle worried glance at my almost full plate. I shook my head and pushed it away, not at all feeling my appetite.
“Can I go up to room and sleep?” I asked softly. Mom frowned, but nodded sympathetically. I passed by Sawyer who froze mid chew to pat my head.
“There, there problematic little sister.” He muffled through a mouth a full of food, “They’ll both see you’re not all that and a bag of chips.”
I narrowed my eyes at him and lifted my hand to swat his head, when mom beat me to it. “Be nice!” she chastised him.
“MOM!” Sawyer cried out, rubbing his head.
“There is a time and place for your poor wit. Right now isn’t one of them.” She said pointedly. I cracked a small smirk and whacked the back of his head.
“I’m mom’s favorite, deal with it reject.” I laughed, before I quickly made my exit.
Once in my room, I sat at my desk and pulled out my sketch book. I grabbed a pencil and began sketching a few shoes…then dresses…a purse or two….then I stopped. Because it didn’t distract me from the pain. It didn’t make what I did any better.
My problems still existed outside of this sketch book. It was still out there, relaying in Ty’s head. The problem lingered on our lips. The pain still stung where our hearts were.
God I sound so fucking cheesy.
I grabbed my phone and scrolled through the contacts, until I found his name. I called him and listened as the line rang. Once, twice, then on the third ring the voicemail activated.
You reached Ty, please don’t leave a message. The notifications are annoying and I can’t deal with that much stress.
Rolling my eyes, I went ahead and left a message. Possibly not my greatest move, on account of Ty hating my guts right about now. But I needed to say my peace and hoped he’d understand.
“T-Ty, it’s me Vivo, not Vevo cause’ that’s a—you know what never mind.” I winced, at how awkward I sounded. It was hard talking to a voicemail when you know the person who’s receiving it, probably wants your head on a stake. But I had to say sorry, because it was all I could do right now.
“I know i’m the last person you want to hear from but I have to say this. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. You have to believe me, that liking you both was never the plan. I didn’t want to hurt you and I didn’t want to lead you on. You mean too much to me Ty. I-I don’t know what to do here, i’m just winging it….which isn’t my strong suite, obviously.” I explained before the line beeped once, indicating the message had ended. I sighed and hung up, as I felt my throat tighten up.
My phone beeped a few minutes later. I opened it up quickly and found a text message from Ty waiting for me. Eagerly, I opened it but wished I hadn’t when I read what he had to say.
Leave me alone.
Three simple words, had been packed with so much hurt. I had to live with that guilt. Ty deserved to hate me, I didn’t have a right to seek his forgiveness.
The next few hours, I wilted away in my room. I switched between sobbing like a teen queen who was robbed of her crown and angrily chastising myself for being a complete selfish bitch. I even used a word, I completely loathed to describe myself. But I deserved it.
“Don’t tell him how you feel you idiot!” I screamed at my tv, “He doesn’t want to feel the same way.” Yes, I had resorted to giving pointless advice to characters who were predestined to have doomed relationships.
Did it work?
No, of course not. The girl still gives it her all, and the guy still dies in the end.
Was it making me feel better?
No, in fact, I think it was just pissing off Sawyer who had to the unfortunate luck to have a room next to mine.
“Keep your Degrassi drama down!” he growled, banging on his walls.
“Shut up, i’m going through stuff in here Saw!” I retorted, yelling at the wall.
“Deal with it when it’s not four a.m you sad saga!” He yelled angrily. I sighed and threw off my covers.
I just needed some air. Being cooped up in my room was getting me nowhere. Except into a pit of self loathing, and lets be honest, it was a big pit. So I did what I always did when I needed to clear my head.
I went for a run.
“Lewiza you can’t keep calling us every time you’re home. We’re in different time zones.” Dom explained to her patiently.
“Vivian doesn’t mind!” Lewiza pointed out.
“That’s because she’s awake and the rest of us are asleep like regular people!” Antoine snapped, irritated. “Chloe had the right idea—I should have never answered my phone!”
“But you guys, I miss you!” Lewiza cried out, “My family is a complete snooze fest. They started talking about law school again! Law school, you guys!”
“Take it down a notch—or fifty, Lew.” I rolled my eyes, as I walked through the ghost streets of Illyria.
“I’m hanging up! I have a date tomorrow and I refuse to have baggy eyes. I’m not a slob like some girls I know. Cough-Dom-Cough.”
“Just because you say ‘cough’, doesn’t mean you actually coughed.” Dom stated flatly, “Whatever, I’m going to bed.” she said before her side of the line went dead.
“Antoine are you going to-” Lewiza asked before Antoine’s line went dead too. “I swear if there’s one thing I’ve learned in your foreign land, it’s that Americans suck at hospitality.” Lew scoffed. I chuckled and squeezed my coat closer towards me for warmth.
“Funny thing Lew, people actually cherish their sleep.” I replied sarcastically.
“So why are you awake?” she asked skeptically. I knew she couldn’t see me, but it still didn’t stop me from fidgeting nervously.
“Soph and my brother are going at it like rabbits. It’s quite disgusting.” I lied, avoiding the truth.
“Yep.” I grimaced, “So what’s going on across the pond?” I asked, hoping Lewiza would be a nice distraction.
“Nothing much….it’s actually quite boring here. My parents are still throwing law school at me. But it’s not my thing. I’d rather dance as a stripper named, Lucky Lucy and have a pimp named Sticky Ricky.”
“Sticky Ricky? Lucky Lucy? Are you living in a children’s program.” I laughed, “Why don’t you just tell them that your arguing abilities suck.” I suggested.
“I’ve tried!” she cried out.
“I suck at arguing!”
“You’d think they’d learn, wouldn’t you?” I chuckled, nearing the park. I froze immediately and stared at the iron gate entrance with the name ‘Skyward Park’ inscribed on it.
“I’m bad at arguing—you’d think they’d catch the hint.” she scoffed, but I was only half listening to her.
“Hey Lew, what’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done?” I asked, in another attempt to distract myself. To convince me to turn around and get away from the park.
“I lost my virginity after an Imagine Dragons concert. Then I told the guy that if he ever broke my heart, I would break his balls. I thought it was romantic.” Lew answered, sounding quite proud.
“Aren’t you a keeper.” I murmured quietly to myself.
“Trent didn’t think so.” Lew scoffed, offended. “The little prick dumped me a week later because I was intense. How can one be intense?” she ranted.
“I may have an idea.” I chuckled, succeeding in using Lewiza as a distraction. What I wouldn’t give to just erase the last twenty four hours.
“That’s not funny Vi!” Lew cried out. “What’s funny is you still haven’t told me what happened over there. Don’t think we don’t know you did something.” she said and even though I couldn’t see her, I could imagine the curves of her lips turning into a knowing smirk.
I frowned and stared at the entrance of the park. Why had I walked here of all places? The last thing I needed was another talk with Blake in the middle of a pitch black park. Especially if Ty was still out and about this late.
“Nothing happened Lew.” I retorted, backing away from the park. I realized I needed to go home and stay there. My walks in Illyria didn’t help anything. In fact, they just made things much more difficult for me.
“Liar-Liar-knickers on fire!” she laughed loudly.
“Lewiza, that’s not how it goes.”
“But it’s catchier that way.”
“About as catchy as syphilis.” I replied sarcastically.
“When you’re ready to talk about it, just call and i’ll be here.” she said softly, reassuring that she was giving me space. A fact that relieved me right now, in the dead of night.
“I’ll be sure to return the favor and call you when it’s three in the morning over there.” I promised her.
“Do that and you’ll have more than a triangle to deal with.” she warned me.
“It’s not a triangle!” I growled, frustrated. Lewiza laughed but before she or I could retort, I heard fast foot steps from behind me. “Lew….if I die, make sure at my funeral no one wears polyester.” I hissed, as fear sweat took over.
“Vi? Vivian don’t be a fucking hero, run bitch! Run like there’s a sale at barneys!” Lew cried out through the phone.
“Are you fucking kidding me. My lifetime obsession with gory movies and crime shows have prepared me for this!”
But it didn’t prepare me. Not really.