“Now you’re just being rude.”
“Do you want to finish your mouthful?”
“Yas.” I chew. The jam to pastry ratio is just right. Cherry is not the sweetest flavour, but Hollie’s bakery uses golden caster sugar in the pastry. It’s slightly more buttery, it balances out perfectly.
“Don’t take another bite! We’re talking?!”
No were not… “Ew arw tawking.”
“I got you that so you would say ‘yes’.”
… Bitch!... I should have known, pastry goods always come at a price. A delicious, slightly warm from the oven, glossed in a fine layer of egg, with hint of vanilla price. Bree’s always trying to make my life better, I hate it. Although, she does buy me food… And let’s me choose where we go. Always, ALWAYS! Hollies Bakery. I love Hollie’s Bakery, she’s a good baker, and she takes hygiene seriously, which is reassuring… I know what she does with her hands.
Oh crap, she was talking? Think of something smart. “I like those ones she does that are covered in the white stuff.” … Well done brain.
“Do you want to rephrase that?”
No… I know what I’m talking about, even if she doesn’t.
“I’m trying to set you up here. I just wanna see you happy.”
“I have food; I am the epitome of happiness right now. Why does food always have to come with a potential boyfriend? Even at home, every meal:
Oh Angie’s son is single again.
He’s crap in bed, Mom! I’m not dating him.
He might have gotten better?
Bree kept talking, but I wasn’t paying attention. I’m having a piphany... an apiphhany? A brain wave.
“These are either; fifty pence each, three for one-pound-twenty, or seven for two-pound… Where are the rest?”
Bree looked at me, concerned.
“What?” How is this not obvious?! “If you buy one jam twist, you are throwing money away. One is fifty pence. But if you buy three, it works out at forty pence a twist. Five is thirty pence. And if you buy seven, it works out at twenty six and a half pence per twist. So by buying one, you are effectively paying double. So, I ask again. Where are the rest?”
Ah… the slight pause when she is surprised at remembering i am not an idiot. I love this pause. She reaches down into her handbag and retrieves a paper bag of heaven. My cheeks hurt slightly, I think other people call this smiling.
“How did you…”
“DAMN IT! I DID THE MATHS A LONG TIME AGO! NOW WHERE ARE THEY!?”
She offers me the bag. It’s too light… “There are only four in here.”
“I had a pizza one, and a lemon. But this isn’t the point, I really think you two would be cute together. He’s nice, sweet, a bit shy and he has got quite a nice body when you think about it. Please let me set you up?”
When you think about it?! What does that mean? I’m curiou… NO! Stay on topic!
“The pizza twists aren’t included on the offer, the lemon one you had, the cherry one I just had, the one in my hand, and three in the bag. Your math doesn’t add up.”
“Jeremy had one.” She said defensively.
Jeremy, ugh, that clown was here? Is that why she’s hiding them? For him? This is why I don’t want a relationship. They steal my food… And i get my food from Bree... she will have to be feeding her, Jeremy, me, and my victim… This doesn’t bode well for me. Jeremy also favours the lemon twist. That’s my second favourite. Hers and his… There won’t be another lemon one in the bag. I can hear my heart pounding... I’m surprisingly angry... I want lemon! Like I’m going to let her set me up now.
“I dum’mo. Im not lokin for amyome ryte mow.” It was strawberry, the jester of all the jams.
“Common, I’ve not seen you in a relationship since Jeff, and that was three years ago.”
“I’m goming thouw a phwase.” I lied…-ish “I thymk I lyke wonem mow.”
“Are you going so far to lie about your sexuality so you can eat?”
“Yeah.” That is perfectly in tune with my persona, why is she confused?
She laughs. “I have never known someone to go so far to avoid being in a relationship.”
Apple, the weakest of the jams, but I wasn’t expecting it, and it’s surprisingly delightful.
“yoo, no wat woood be god wif fis? Cimmamon!”
“It’s like you don’t want to be happy,” She continues, totally ignoring my very interesting point about cinnamon. “I’ve seen you turn down so many great guys for no reason. I just don’t understand why. And you won’t tell me, will you?”
“Yu coldnt hundel t uth.”
“B-cose, im dying.” i sigh.
“That’s not funny.” She scowls. “Why can’t I set you up?”
“m’ mouth ist too busy with food to do anythin else.”
She’s not saying anything. Why? Normally shes... ohh... did i just?
“I mean for… like, eating. Not oral sex.” I need more food. It’s nice she’s not trying to pin a boyfriend to each pastry. It means some of them are completely guilty free...
She doesn’t like cherry… I like cherry... She knows i like cherry... She knows the game… That’s why I got the rest of them… She planned this...
“Seriously, Lyra. Why can’t you let me set you up with someone? What will it take? I got you seven pastries.” That’s a lie, there is only five… “Tea? Coffee? Hot chocolate?”
I shake my head. A little offended that she thinks I can be so easily bought.
“Milkshake?” Bree smiles.
Wow, turns out I can easily be brought. I keep chewing, but begrudgingly nod. She squeals with excitement. “You are just going to love him!”
This is easier in the longer run, just go with it. Get free food. Have an awkward date with a socially awkward guy that Bree pity’s. Why do I need relationships? I can make myself happy… Not in that way... Well, yes in that way, but i’m not talking about that... But that won’t stop her from trying to make me happy... not in that way... Why the hell isn’t she getting me my milkshake?
For some reason, she’s still “I got a table for Thursday booked at Pizza hut.” THAT IS A GOOD MOVE! “he’s paying for it. And me and Jeremy will look forward to seeing you there.”
I swallow, “This is a double date?” I never agreed to tha... God damn it, the pastry is caught in my esophagus!
“Well it was gonna be triple but Mike and Steve dropped ou... what are you doing?”As she was talking i stole some of her latte. Meh, the food was dislodged anyway.
“Bree, I like you, you remind me of cheese, I like cheese, I prefer camembert, but only if properly prepared. After that, it’s got to be brie, the cheese, not you. But let’s not get into that. I was going to say something, now I’m thinking of cheese... Fuck you... i’m going to go buy some cheesecake... one minut... YES!!! I didn’t agree to a double date, and besides it was on the condition of a milkshake which is currently lacking from my life.”
“Excuse me.” Said a waitress who was dressed inappropriately to be handling food. “I’ve got a milkshake for this table.” She laid down a napkin in front of me, then placed a large milkshake with chocolate sauce swirled on the inside of the glass, and topped with whipped cream. It literally had a cherry on top. I accept it, begrudgingly. She disappeared to do other waitress things. Bree smiles at me. She had planned everything out, from the flavour of the pastries to the timing of the milkshake.
I reached into the bag for the last twist, expecting it to be cherry, the slight kink in her armour. But no. Lemon. I had been checked, and I had been mated.