The Fanling Conspiracy

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The weeks passed. Ben was so angry over the Cartwright episode that he refused to answer Mandy’s calls. Luckily, they had managed to obtain another Chinese customary law man from Oxford University, who was reputed to be good. Worryingly, however, he had never given evidence in Hong Kong before, unlike Cartwright. There was nothing they could do about that. Richard Yap had strongly recommended him, and that was good enough for Ben, who had begun to trust Richard implicitly.

They had unfortunately lost the discovery summons for the missing documents. The hearing before Mr. Justice Chang had not gone well, and Richard had advised against an appeal. Clients could not afford an appeal in any event. Dylan and Ben were also becoming increasingly disturbed at the absence of money coming from clients. Initially they were paying their promised $30,000 per month, which covered Alan and Wai’s salary and a little to spare for the firm, but nothing had been received for 2 months. Ben had sympathy for clients, in that Richard Yap’s fees were proving to be enormous, as would be the experts they had to call. They had little left for their solicitors. The Tang Clan had to win the trial, basically, for the firm to recover their costs. Otherwise, it would have been a colossal waste of time. Ben was spending most of his time on the Tang Clan case. The firm’s income was nose-diving as a result.

Ben was explaining this in Joe Bananas to Sebastian, one of Dylan’s mates in his entertainment company. Sebastian was good fun and an outrageously camp homosexual. Sebastian told Ben something that night which was to change the whole course of the next few months.

“You know he’s gay, don’t you?”
“Who?” said Ben.
“Your judge. Mr. Justice ‘Cucumber’ Chang.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Oh yes, us homos are taking over the world, you know. Met him many times at parties, I think he fancies me actually. Don’t fancy him though. Too butch. Can’t stand his moustache. It would tickle in the most inconvenient places.”

“Well, if that’s true, put in a word for us at your next partner- swapping party.”

“It just so happens, actually, that Toby is having a party on Friday, to which I am invited, of course, and it is highly likely that Arnie Chang will be there. Why don’t you come?”

“ thanks, I don’t want my todger felt. See what you can do, though. And you can tell him he can have 20% if he finds for us.” Ben looked at Sebastian. “That’s a joke, Sebastian, by the way.”

“Oh, right. See what I can do.”

Ben told Dylan about his conversation with Sebastian the next day in the office. Dylan’s eyes lit up.

“This is it!” he said. “Our passport to glory! One of us has to sleep with the judge!”

“Oh yes. Rather you than me. Don’t forget to use a condom.”

“Not me, you idiot. What about Tyler?”

“Well, Tyler will do most things we ask him to do, but so far as I recollect, giving fellatio to a senile judge was not in his job description.”

“Get him pissed and he’ll do anything. Especially for 10% of the Tang Clan costs. Could be worth a million dollars to him. I’d bum the judge for one million dollars!”

“Go on then.”
“No, better if Tyler does. He’s prettier than me.” “You always say he looks like Quasimodo.”

“I mean prettier to the gay boys. Here he is, hey Tyler!” Tyler had just entered the office. He came into Ben’s room. He looked a bit down, as usual.

“Alright. Had a bloke sent down this morning for burglary. Three years, good result I thought, still he wasn’t happy.” Tyler’s bungled attempts at mitigation were legendary in the firm, but this was no time to take the piss out of him.

“Tyler”, said Dylan, “how would you like to earn yourself a million dollars?”

“I’m serious. All you have to do is have sex with someone.” “Er...OK then. Do I get the money before or after the sex?” “After. I’m serious Tyler, stop laughing.”
“Oh sorry. Is she pretty? Chinese, I hope.”
“Oh yes”, said Dylan, “definitely Chinese.”

“Good. I haven’t had a Chinese since I’ve been in Hong Kong. Now if you’ll excuse me I haven’t picked my horses for tonight yet and...”

“Look, just listen!” Dylan explained the plan. Tyler listened open- mouthed.

“You want me to have sex with a bloke! You’re serious, aren’t you?”

“Tyler”, said Dylan, “if this works you can have 10% of the Tang Clan money”

“I’m not going to shag a man! Are you out of your mind? I wouldn’t have sex with a bloke for one billion dollars!”

“Now come on, Tyler, you know you get on well with Sebastian. You went away to China for a weekend’s golfing with him, didn’t you? Didn’t you have a snog in the bunker?”

“No I bloody didn’t. It wasn’t just Sebastian in China either. Speaking of whom, I would have thought this was right up Sebastian’s street. Why not get him to feel the judge’s up?”

“Sebastian doesn’t fancy the judge.”

“Oh dearie me, what a pity. Well I’m not doing it.”

“Actually, Tyler”, said Ben, “ joking aside, it is an opportunity for us. Chang has been against us in every court hearing so far, any contact we can have with him can only help us.”

“But I’m not going to have sex with him!”

“Oh come on, Tyler”, said Dylan, “it’s for the future of the firm. Your future.”

“I’d rather be unemployed for the rest of my life than have the judge in my bed. No!” With that he left the room.

“He’ll do it”, said Dylan. “Yep”, said Ben.

The next evening Dylan and Ben met Tyler in Joe Bananas. Tyler was dressed in a dinner suit and looked very smart.

“You look gorgeous”, said Dylan. “Give me a kiss.” Tyler gave him a warning stare.

“Look, I’ll go to the party and chat the senile git up, but I’m not going to bed with him. And I want that 10% in writing.”

“Only 5% if you don’t have sex with him”, said Dylan. “And that’s only if we win. Try to become his boyfriend, you can take some photos and we can blackmail him!” Tyler gave him an evil look.

“Seriously Tyler”, said Ben, “it might help us if you become friends. We’re not going to do anything illegal, forget what Dylan says. Use your discretion, don’t mention the firm tonight, just try and get his confidence. And don’t forget to swallow.” Ben and Dylan burst into helpless giggles.

“Very funny.”

“Here’s Sebastian”, said Dylan. Sebastian also wore a dinner suit but managed to look very camp at the same time. Perhaps it was the lipstick he was wearing.

“Hello boys. Hello, Tyler, ready for your night of passion?”

“Don’t you start Sebastian, I’ll talk to him and that’s it.”

“Don’t worry, Tyler, you look lovely. Do you want some of this lipstick. Or mascara? The judge would like it.”

“Sebastian, I’m not gay.”

“Yes, you’re right, the judge likes a man’s man. Why don’t you put this cucumber down your trousers though, that’s bound to turn him on.” Ben and Dylan burst into fits of laughter again.

“You two owe me big time”, said Tyler darkly. “And if anyone ever finds out about this, I’ll...I’ll...”

“Your secret’s safe with us, Tyler”, said Dylan solemnly. “Now get yourself off to that party, Judge Chang’s waiting. And whatever you do, however drunk you get, don’t forget to use a condom.” Ben and Dylan erupted again as Tyler took a swing at Dylan and missed.

“Come on, young man, save that testosterone for your boyfriend. See you lads!” Tyler scowled and left with Sebastian, giving a “V” sign to Dylan and Ben as he left.

“Well”, said Dylan, “Tyler could be a millionaire tomorrow. Small price to pay for a sore bottom”.

Ben smiled. Then he frowned. What on earth were they doing? He wouldn’t sleep tonight. Nor, most likely, he thought, would Tyler.

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