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Rigorous MORT

By Zak Standridge All Rights Reserved ©

Humor / Mystery

Blurb

After the death of his mysterious father, young Mort must come to terms with his inheritance....and it is NOTHING like what he imagined it to be...

Rigorous Mort

Opening Scene -

Overhead shot of 3 figures walking in a graveyard.

Next shot: Mort is forced onto his knees in front of a headstone.

Vin has a gun to the back of his head and Doc is cleaning his glasses.

Doc: “Listen Kid,” (Doc lights a cigarette) “You had real potential. I thought you were going to be my protege, just like Vin here...”

Vin: (looks bored)

Doc: (takes a deep drag from cigarette, pondering) “And if I had my druthers, you’d just be put down south, kept liquored up day and night in Mexico.”

Vin: “Would’ve been a good deal...”

Doc: “As it stands currently, however, I have it handed down to me from a higher authority...” (looks down and takes a drag) “...that you’ll be nothing but a FUCK UP!!!”

Vin: (smiles sheepishly) “Time’s up, boy.”

Doc: (bends down and grabs Morte’s hair, sort-of growling:) “Our employer has thus determined that your existence is not in keeping with his corporate ideals.”

Vin: “Doc, can I shoot him now, or are you gonna talk him to death?”

Doc: “Yes, you’re right...I digress...” (pulls out a gun)

[vin and doc cock their guns behind the back of morte’s head]

[close-up on morte’s face]

Morte: INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: “Getting shot in the back of the head, in a damned grave yard no less...how cliche can you get? I find it bizarre in retrospect that the smallest and most insignificant of moments can drastically alter...”

[fade to black]

[2 gunshot sounds]

“...where your life ends up...”

Next scene:

Opens with a close-up shot on Alex’s face as he is laughing his ass off.

Alex: “Hahahaha - well, yeah - I mean it’s pretty obvious!”

Nate: “Hey, you don’t know shit, he was my hero when I was growing up and he wasn’t gay!”

Chaz: “Now, Nate, just look at the facts...”

Nate: “-I ain’t looking at shit!”

Chaz: “Listen, when he was in his alter ego as the ‘Prince’,” (does quote marks with fingers) “he wore a sassy pink and purple outfit - that’s indicator 1. Indicator 2 is when he finally did turn into ‘He-Man’, he ran around damn-near buck naked with a bunch of muscle-bound idiots.”

Nate: “Bullshit!”

Chaz: “...all he had on was a loincloth for God’s sake...”

Alex: “You can’t tell me that ‘sword of power’ wasn’t a phallic symbol! Besides, I remember this one episode where Shee-Ra was climbing up a ladder above him...with that short skirt she always had on...and he still didn’t look up and take a peek. That right there proves he’s gay.”

Nate: “That’s ’cuz Shee-Ra was his sister, dumbass!”

Alex: “Sister or not, he would’ve taken a quick gander at her undies if he was straight.”

Chaz: “Alright, that’s just sick.”

Nate: “No doubt. But to continue what I was originally saying, He-man could beat the transformers’ asses any day of the week!”

Alex: (appalled)

Nate: “Gay or not.”

Chaz: “Even the name: ‘He-Man’, it just sounds like a gay male stripper.”

Nate: “Shut the fuck up!”

Alex: “He-man could take the transformers? What the fuck are you talking” - (interrupted by Chaz)

Chaz: “Dude, Shee-Ra was hot!”

Nate: “-Fuck yeah he could! I mean, he whooped Skeletor’s ass on a daily basis! And skeletor was a shitload scarier than those fuckin’ lame-ass deceptocons!”

Chaz: “Jesus she wore a short skirt!”

Alex: “Chaz, let it go! Nate, you’re living in a dreamworld. In what we call ‘Reality’, there is nothing that could stand up to the combined might of the transformers...”

Nate: “I don’t buy it.”

Alex: “Except maybe for Voltron.”

Chaz: “And how come no one knew the Prince and He-Man were the same person? It’s not like the Prince had glasses or anything-”

Nate: “The transformers were just robots. Fucking gay car robots!”

Chaz: “-you know, like Superman put on glasses and became Clark Kent? He-Man didn’t have shit!”

Alex: “Chaz, will you let it go! We’re past He-man and we’ve moved onto the transformers.” (looking at Nate) “And you can’t tell me that a volkswagon that turns into a cyborg with a gun ain’t cool!”

Chaz: “And so what if he was gay? Who says a gay guy can’t be a positive role-model?”

Alex: “Shut the fuck up! He-Man is not the issue here!”

Nate: “The hero is a truck! What the hell kinda hero cuts people off in traffic and makes wide right turns?”

[pan shot of the group as Mort walks in]

Mort: “Hey, you assholes think you’re about loud enough? My uncle in Lebanon’s about to chime in with his 2 cents on the subject.”

Chaz: “The thundercats were cool”

Alex: “The thundercats were overgrown pussies...Literally!”

[morte shakes his head in aggravation]

Nate: “At least they were better than the Go-Bots...and now: a haiku: (counts out the meter on fingers as he recites)

’Let us play a game,

Transformers versus Go-Bots

...YOU get the Go-Bots’

[close-up on Mort as he rolls his eyes]

[camera follows in front of him to his bedroom, he shuts the door]

[chaz, alex, and nate laugh loudly in the background]

Chaz: “What the hell’s up with Mort? He’s been bitchier than usual lately...”

Alex: “You guys know how his dad disappeared a long time ago

right?”

[chaz and nate nod their heads]

Alex: “Well, he got a letter the other day that had something to do with it...he won’t really talk about it but he’s been edgy since.”

[cut to Mort in his room, holding the letter]

[zoom in to the letter, being read by a British voice]

Letter: “Mort, my boy. I have been long keeping tabs on you as you’ve grown. Your father, as you may or may not have known, worked for me. My enterprise is a private venture, and a very lucrative one at that. I know you missed him as he frequently had to fly up here to the city, and I know you miss him now as he’s been gone without a trace for so long. I am concurrently sending down to you some associates of mine whom were contemporaries of your father. They have a proposition for you...and hopefully this will shed light concerning the mystery of his disappearance.

Sincerely, Malkin Gray.”

[close up of Mort looking worried, holding the letter]

[Knock-Knock]

Mort: “Yeah.”

Chaz: “Hey, man...Alex says you’re bummed out about some letter...”

Mort: “Not bummed, just worried.”

Chaz: “About what?”

Mort: (pauses, looks up from the letter) “...Somebody’s coming...”

Next Scene:

Opens with a still shot of the outside of a Diner.

[next shot, vin and doc sitting at a table, inside the diner]

Vin: (lights cigarette) “I’m just saying I think it wouldn’t be that bad.”

Doc: “Are you serious? After how lousy the 2nd one was?”

Vin: “It was okay. You’re just too damned pretentious...”

Doc: “You don’t even know what that word means. Now look: they pulled out the proton packs in a courtroom and proceeded to trap ghosts. It doesn’t get much worse.”

Vin: “The script for the 3rd one is finished, it’s already been written. I just wouldn’t mind seeing it on the silver screen!”

Doc: (rubs his eyes) “Did you even see the 2nd one? As the buildup to the climax, they covered the statue of liberty with slime and made it walk by using a joystick! The statue of liberty, for Christ’s sake! A 3rd film would be an abomination against nature...hey, did you get the briefcase?”

Vin: (pulls out a briefcase, sets it on the table) “Right here. You didn’t think I’d be stupid enough to forget it, did ya?”

Doc: “You know me, Vin,” (opens the case) “I trust no one. So...this is all of it?”

Vin: “Everything the boss gave me.”

Doc: (closes the case) “Time to leave.”

[vin tosses cash on the table as they exit]

[pan shot of vin and doc walking to their car]

[over shoulder shot as they open the trunk to reveal a dead body]

Vin: “Well,” (pause) “what the hell are we gonna do with Eddie, here?”

[closer shot of the corpse]

Doc: “Hmmmm...yes...”

Vin: “Well, come on - he’s startin’ to fuckin’ stink!” (waving hands in front of face)

[pan shot of vin and doc carrying the body, doc has the wrists, vin has ankles]

Doc: “As weak as your stomach is, it’s any wonder why Mr. Gray made you the chief assassin.”

Vin: “You should get a better grip - you’re gonna drop him!”

Doc: “You see, Vin...” (vin and doc drop the corpse) “It’s all about consequences. For instance: this body is a consequence of your actions...someday you’ll learn to better deal with the consequences.”

Vin: “He fuckin’ stinks.”

Doc: “Yes, yes - I heard you the first time.” (motions away) “Shall we?”

Vin: “We just gonna leave him here?”

[they look at each other, shrug, and walk off screen]

[next shot is doc sitting in the driver’s seat. Sound of the trunk

slamming shut, vin gets in the car and doc starts it up]

[they start to drive]

Doc: “Slimer.”

Vin: “eh?”

Doc: “I loved slimer. He got no play in the 1st one, but did you ever catch the cartoon?”

Vin: “I was never a child.”

Doc: “Oh, it was great. It was all about slimer.”

Vin: “Slimer, the flying ball of snot, slimer?”

Doc: “The same...yeah, he was great.”

Vin: “What do you mean?”

Doc: “What do yo mean, ‘What do I mean’? Slimer was a classic staple of my TV youth!”

Vin: “So?”

Doc: “So!”

Vin: “So what the fuck are you talking about?”

Doc: (visibly upset) “What the fuck - ...No, what are you...”

(sigh) “The 3rd movie, like you were saying.”

Vin: “What was I saying?”

Doc: “I think the 3rd movie would be a forgivable franchise if it had more slimer in it than the first 2...like in the cartoon.”

Vin: “Doc, the cartoon sucked.”

Doc: “Yeah? Well, you’re ugly!”

Vin: “...you’re a tool...”

Doc: (pauses for a moment) “...you’re fucking ugly!”

Next Scene:

Opens with a shot of Mark coming in the doorway.

Mark: “Whattup, kids?”

[pan shot of alex, chaz and nate playing video games]

Mark: “Ahem! I said ‘whattup, kids’!”

Alex: “You’re lookin’ at it.”

Mark: (unenthusiastic) “Joyous.”

Nate: “Son of a bitch!”

Chaz: “Dude, you suck!”

Alex: “Yeah, bud - you’re gonna lose...wake up and smell the coffee.”

Nate: “I’ll smell whatever I damn well please!”

Mark: “Right. As always, it’s a pleasure to talk with you guys.”

[shot of mark heading to Mort’s room, knocks on the door]

Mort: (agitated) “What!”

Mark: (opens door) “Jesus...what the hell’s your problem?”

Mort: “Sorry, Mark- the guys’ve been more thoroughly annoying

than usual.”

Mark: “Not too far of a stretch for them.”

Mort: (nods)

Mark: “Well - shit man, you ready to go?”

Mort: “Go?”

Mark: “Go - meet the ladies, remember? You’re gonna try to hook me up with Cecilia’s friend. It was your idea!”

Mort: (jumps up, trips) “Aw - crap! I forgot all about it!”

Mark: “Nice job, skippy.”

Mort: (struggling to change shirts) “What time are we supposed

to be there?”

Mark: “About 20 minutes.”

Mort: “Fuck!” (runs around corner and slams into a wall)

“Aaarrggh!”

Mark: “Hahaha - damn, you okay jackass?”

Mort: (on ground - rubbing nose) “Ugh, my face hurts!”

Mark: “Well, it’s killin’ me.”

[Mort and mark do the drumroll-punchline with their hands: parum-pum’]

[Mort and mark walk into living room]

Mort: “Alright you assholes, listen up: I’m peeling and I’ll be back later. Don’t touch my shit.”

Nate: “Pick me up some chicken.”

Morte: “Fuck off!”

Chaz: “Pick me up some black tar heroin.”

Mort: “Fuck you.”

Chaz: “Fuck you too, sweetie.”

Mort: “I’m serious, don’t touch anything in my room.”

[pan shot of alex, chaz and nate laughing]

Mort: “Uh-huh...I’m sure you all found it hilarious to tape maxipads all over the walls and the TV, but it sorta ruined the mood when I got my girl back here.”

[alex, chaz and nate laugh harder]

Mort: “I don’t have time for this...”

[Mort and mark exit]

Alex: “Mort and Mark...wasn’t that a show back in the 80′s?”

[alex, chaz and nate laugh again]

[shot outside of Mort and mark walking to a vehicle]

Mark: “I don’t see why you live with those slackers.”

Mort: “Cheap rent...besides that, those 3 are the epitome of modern American culture: old enough to be considered part of the ‘Mellinials’, yet too disenfranchised and lazy to be of any real cultural significance.”

Mark: “Wow - calling your friends ‘insignificant’, you are in a good mood, aren’t you?”

Mort: (shrugs)

[they get into the car]

[shot from inside: backseat looking at mark and Mort]

Mark: “So what’s really on your mind? You’ve been a dick for a couple of days now...”

Mort: (hands mark the letter)

Mark: (reads it) “So this is what’s got your panties in a bunch?”

Mort: “It just makes me nervous.”

Mark: “You’re just paranoid.”

Mort: “No - no - I’m analytical. And an analytical mind is a beautiful thing.”

Mark: “No - a girl’s ass in a thong is a beautiful thing...” (he starts the car, looks back while reversing) “And that’s precisely what we’re missing right now.”

[pan shot of vin and doc’s car passing Mort and mark’s car]

[next shot: inside of vin and doc’s car watching Mort and mark’s car pass, then pan to front seat looking at vin and doc]

[they drive in silence for a moment]

Vin: “So, this is ‘home-sweet-home’ huh?”

Doc: “This is the correct address, yes.”

Vin: “What a shithole.”

Doc: “Eloquently put, my dear friend.”

Vin: “Fuck that! Eloquent is my 8,000 per month loft with floor to ceiling windows.”

Doc: “I miss New York as well, my wayward companion. However, we will return soon enough...as soon as we get the kid.”

Vin: “Well, we better get this done quick. This trailer park shit is

putrid.”

Doc: “Will you shut up already?”

[vin and doc walk up the steps to the door]

[inside shot on alex, chaz and nate, alex gets up]

Doc: “Now, let me do all the talking.”

Alex: (opens door, doc has his hand raised in a fist, as if to

knock) (alex jumps back) “Jesus Christ! You scared the shit outta me! That was a little bit of a startle!”

Doc: “And a whole lot of country-!” (doc laughs really loudly as alex and vin stare at him blankly, he stops abruptly) “Sorry.”

Alex: “Do you need something?”

Doc: “Good day, sir - I’m looking for a young man named Mort.”

Alex: “Who the fuck’s askin’?”

[vin gets visibly pissed off and struggles to get his gun from a holster inside his jacket, doc stops him]

Alex: “What the fuck is that bitch’s problem?”

Doc: (trying to maintain composure) “Yes, well my friend here has narcolepsy. To answer your other question, I and my partner are to see Mort on business about his father.”

Alex: “Well, he ain’t here right now. He’ll be back later.”

Doc: (starts to talk) “Wh-”

[alex slams the door on their faces]

Vin: “Just let me shoot ’em.”

Doc: “...no.”

[doc starts heading down the stairs, followed by vin]

Vin: “One little round, just in the kneecap!”

Doc: “No.”

Vin: “Please?”

Doc: “NO! Shut the fuck up and listen...we can’t exactly get on the kid’s good side if we go and put bullets in his friends’ legs!”

[doc and vin get to the car]

Doc: “We’ll wait...get in touch with Ronin. Have him meet us here in a day or two.”

Vin: “You got it.” (pulls out cell phone and starts to dial)

Next Scene:

Opens with a pan shot of Laumier sculpture park.

[Mort, mark, cecilia and lynn walking with ‘big red’ in the background]

Cecilia: (kisses Mort) “Well, baby, I’m gonna kidnap Lynn...girl talk, y’know?”

Mort: “Sure, sure...”

Lynn: (walks off with Cecilia)

Mort: “So, whaddya think man? She’s a cutie, eh?”

Mark: “Yeah, she’s pretty damn hot!”

Mort: “You gonna--”

Mark: “Huh?”

Mort: “You gonna try anything, there big daddy?”

Mark: (shrugs) “It depends on if she keeps giving me signals.”

Mort: (looks unimpressed) “signals”

Mark: “Hell yeah! She’s been practically begging me for some sweet lovin’ since we got here!”

Mort: “We’ve only been here for 15 minutes...you’ve only known her for 15 minutes! What the hell kind of signals has she been tossing your way?”

Mark: “All the classics:” (lists on fingers as speaking) “You got the heavy eye contact, the occasional brushing of her body against mine, the way she flips her hair when she’s near me, and she also presents herself.”

Mort: “1, you’re retarded, 2, you’re retarded (which is actually 1 thing, but you’re soooooo deftly retarded that it had to be mentioned twice), 3, ‘brushing her body against yours’? What the hell is that? You’re walking next to each other - what the do you expect?...”

Mark: “Well--”

Mort: “And what do you mean by ‘she presents herself’?”

Mark: “Well, you know - she just seems to give me that ’come hither’ gaze, you know?”

Mort: “Look, far be it from me to stand in the way of true love, and I do hope you get together with her - just don’t look into it too much.”

Mark: “I thought you said an analytical mind is a beautiful thing?”

Mort: “No, you were right - a girl’s ass in a thong is a beautiful thing. An analytical mind to a woman is a waste of time...I think chicks want a guy to be passionate and, you know, spontaneous.”

[cut to cecilia and lynn talking with Mort and mark in the background]

Lynn: “...I don’t know, though. I guess I’m really just looking for a guy who’s stable. Not spontaneous or extravagant...but reliable.”

Cecilia: “Predictable.”

Lynn: (slight chuckle) “Yeah, predictable.”

Cecilia: “So - whaddya think?”

Lynn: “Of Mark?”

Cecilia: (nods head)

Lynn: (waves hand in ‘so-so’ motion) “He’s alright.”

Cecilia: “You don’t like him?”

Lynn: “Don’t get me wrong - he’s cute and all...I just don’t think he’s my type.”

Cecilia: “You know the guy less than an hour and you’re already making judgement calls on his personality?”

Lynn: “He seems like the crazy, party-animal y’know? They guywho gets drunk and sings ‘baby-got-back’ at a karoake bar...not my type.”

Cecilia: (gets up and shakes her bootey) “I like big butts and Icannot lie!”

[they laugh, cut to vin and doc sitting in their car]

Vin: (gets off phone, turns to doc) “He said he’d be up as soon as he could...He’ll meet us at the diner.”

Doc: “Where’s he at?”

Vin: “Heading up from New Orleans - I think he’s booking the flight right now.”

Doc: (nods)

Vin: “Can I ask you something, Doc?”

Doc: “You just did.” (laughs loudly, abruptly stops)

Vin: “How does one man get to be so funny?”

Doc: “Son, you have to practice diligently - and never, ever doit in heavy traffic.” (laughs, then sighs)

Vin: “Were you born retarded, or did you have to practice that too?”

Doc: “Aren’t you just full of wit today?”

Vin: “Listen...what are we gonna tell the kid?”

Doc: “We’ll tell him what the boss told me to tell him.”

Vin: “Aw, no! That crap about us bein’ in the mob?”

Doc: “You’re perceptive!”

Vin: “Oh, don’t patronize me, Doc!”

Doc: “Sorry, sorry. Look, we’re gonna show the kid a briefcase with 50,000 dollars in it. He’s probably just like his father, he’ll take the money and do what we tell him to do...it’s in his blood.”

Vin: “Dance, monkey, dance!”

Doc: “Exactly. We could tell him that we’re in alliance with‘grand mof tarkin’ in a galaxy far, far away and all he’ll hear is ‘Ch-Ching’” (does the ‘money’ finger rub)

Vin: “Just like his father.”

Doc: “However, hopefully, we won’t have to kill Mort.”

Vin: “As long as he doesn’t find whatever the hell package his dad supposedly left for him.”

Doc: “All posturing, Vin. Bullshit posturing.”

Vin: “You don’t buy it?”

Doc: “Of course not. It was simply a desperate bluff from a pathetic man who knew his demise was coming.”

Vin: “Mr. Gray doesn’t seem to think Mort’s father was just trying to save his own ass.”

Doc: “Jesus fucking Christ - how many times do I have to have this conversation? There is no package, there never was - no matter what Mr. Gray says! Obviously Morte’s father didn’t care for him to too great of a degree, or else he wouldn’t have been working for us. And that little pipsqueak is in no way a threat to the Larkyle corporation!”

Vin: “Don’t get worked up about it. I’m just trying to cover our asses!”

Doc: “I know you are, so I want you to listen carefully: You know I’m not fond of this place, and you’ve made it abundantly clear that you want to return to New York as soon as possible-”

Vin: “Right.”

Doc: “-thus: I’m changing the game plan...now apparently Mort’s father warned Mr.Gray that if anything was to happen to him, certain information about the company would find its way to Mort.”

Vin: “I’m with you...”

Doc: “Let us speak plainly. He’s just a kid, living in a trailer park. With as much money as we’re going to throw at him, plus he gets a gun, power, and women...you following me?”

Vin: (as if completing doc’s sentence) “...The last thing that’s gonna be on his mind is unraveling the mystery of the disappearing dad.”

Doc: “Correct.”

Vin: “So forget the package?”

Doc: “Forget the package.”

Vin: “Probably doesn’t even exist in the first place.”

Doc: “Doesn’t even exist.”

Vin: “Now what the hell is this shit?” (aggravated hands-out motion)

[shot of alex coming around the corner]

Alex: “What the hell is this shit? Hey, assholes - you can’t wait here! My gal’s gonna be parkin’ in that spot in ½ an hour, so let’s try to wrap this up!”

[inside car shot between vin and doc, watching alex shoo them away]

Doc: “Give me the gun.”

Vin: “Hahhaha”

Doc: “Give me the gun.”

Vin: “Don’t get bloodthirsty, let’s just go.”

[vin and doc peel out]

[alex shakes head and walks back inside]

[pan shot of the girls sitting on a bench and giggling, Mort and mark hanging out]

Mark: “Alright, alright. So when are these guys supposed to show up?”

Mort:: “Hell, I dunno. They’re coming from New York, so it could be any day now.”

Mark: “Heheheheh”

Mort: “What’s funny?”

Mark: “You know you’re name means ‘death’ in latin, right?”

Mort: “Yeah, I guess my dad had a twisted sense of humor.”

Mark: “And yet here you are, 18, in the apex of your sexual prowess.”

Mort: “Is sex all you think about?”

Mark: “...well, I like pancakes, too.”

Mort: “And that’s the definition of your existence.”

Mark: “Speaking of defining existence, let’s go find out what the girls are babbling about.”

Mort: “They’re probably discussing your raw sexual magnetism. Nice segue, though.”

Mark: “Thanks.”

[cut to cecilia and lynn]

Lynn: “So - are there cameras all over the place at work or what?”

Cecilia: “Nope. Why do you ask?”

Lynn: “This is sorta embarrassing...I got this new bra the other day and I guess it was just ’cuz I wasn’t used to it or whatever, but it was driving me crazy! I just didn’t wanna be on camera scratching my boob every 2 minutes.”

Cecilia: (chuckles) “No, actually there’s a guy we work with - I think his name’s Gary - anyway, he told me that he came in one Sunday when it wasn’t really crowded or anything...”

Lynn: “Uh-huh”

Cecilia: “He - uh - heheheh - he jacked-off in one of the cubicles!” (does the ‘jack-off’ hand gesture)

Lynn: “Oh my god! Are you serious?”

Cecilia: “No lies! I guess he got away with it...”

Lynn: “So he felt it necessary to unburden his soul to you?”

Cecilia: (laughs)


[cut to vin and doc in the car]

Doc: “Fucking ridiculous, I tell you.”

Vin: “Hey, I’m not about to let you shoot someone in the middle of a neighborhood in broad daylight-”

Doc: “- NO - that’s not -”

Vin: “-without a silencer, at least.”

Doc: “- it’s not - Wait, no! You were going to shoot the doofus as well, so what the hell are you talking about?”

Vin: “Oh, yeah - heheheheh”

Doc: “Yeah, Ha Ha Ha (fake laugh), you’ll laugh yourself into prison one of these days.”

Vin: “I sure as shit hope not! The boss made it abundantly clear what the contingency plan for that situation was.”

Doc: “Listen to you: using big words like a big boy!”

Vin: “Why don’t you kiss my dick?”

Doc: “Passionately, or distastefully?”

Vin: (chuckles) “You know I like it better when it’s forced.”

[pan shot of alex, nate and chaz playing a video game, being loud and boisterous]

Alex: “Guys - what does narcolepsy mean?”

Chaz: “That’s where you scream out random weird shit and cuss a lot.”

Nate: “Lick my pie-hole and fight your grandpa’s chimp, asschew! Where the crap is my potato candy? There’s a barrel!”

Alex: “So it’s a safe bet that Nate has narcolepsy?”

Chaz: “What? I don’t know! Stop bothering me!”

Nate: “You better shit your pants before the leprechauns get here! It tastes like burning!”

[shot of Mort, cecilia, mark and lynn at the park]

Mark: “Well kids, I like the park and all, but I’ve got the mad munchies. Whaddya say we skidaddle over to the food hut and snag some chow?”

Cecilia: “Skidaddle?”

Mark: “Yep. Skidaddle.” (does a little dance like running)

Mort: “I think what the wild Mark in his natural habitat is trying

to communicate, is that we should leave and forage for food.”

Mark: (laughs) “That’s right. My ability to hunt and gather for twigs and berries will ensure my survival through winter!”

Lynn: “Mmmm...twigs and berries...I could eat. Let’s peel.”

[pan shot of them leaving, fades to pan shot of outside Mort's place at dusk]

[exposition that time of day is later in the evening, pan shot of inside, the guys sitting around watching tv]

Nate: “Why can’t life be more like the simpsons?”

Mort: “You mean we get into episodic adventures on a weekly basis?”

Alex: “Quit tryin’ to sound smart, numb-nuts. Nate- it’s your turn to do dishes.”

Nate: “Um...not exactly, I mean I wanna be a cartoon - No, fucker - I just did the damn dishes!”

Chaz: “Bullshit! You did ’em like a month ago!”

Mark: “And the reason you wanna be a cartoon is?”

Nate: “I didn’t dirty any dishes - I used all paper plates all fricken’ - it’d be cool, you know? Just bein’ a cartoon.”

Chaz: “Snidely Whiplash.”

Morte: “It’s definitely not my turn, I just vacu--”

Alex: “--Yeah, my paper plates! That’s a buck ninety-two your ass owes me!”

Mark: “Can someone’s ass really owe anyone anything?”

Chaz: “Snidely Whiplash.”

Nate: “What a load of crap! I didn’t see your name written on the freakin’ things anywhere!”

Mort: “I definitely wouldn’t wanna be any of that homoerotic yugi-oh crap!”

Alex: “Just watch what you consume before you consume it!”

Mark: “Pokemon’s cool.”

Chaz: “Snidely Whiplash.”

Alex: “He was cool.”

Nate: “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Alex: “Paper goods, paper plates, paper forks...”

Mark: “I better get going.”

Mort: “But I wouldn’t mind bangin’ ‘jessica rabbit’!”

Chaz: “Shit, you wouldn’t mind bangin’ ‘roger rabbit’!”

Mark: “Waitaminute - paper forks?”

Alex: “Who cares about the god-damn...No, I meant plastic forks.”

Mark: “Alright, I’m out.” (Exits)

Chaz: “On that note, I’m heading to my room...g’nite all.”

Mort: “Got a date with your hand?”

Chaz: “Yep. NO! -I mean no!” (leaves while shaking his head)

Nate: (dials cellphone, starts to walk around the living room / kitchen area)

Alex: “By the way, some dudes stopped by for you earlier.”

Mort: “Dudes?”

Nate: “What’s up baby?”

Alex: “Yes, dudes.”

Mort: (anticipating more)

Nate: “Hangin’ out.”

Mort: “...and?”

Nate: “Not much.”

Alex: “And that’s it.”

Mort: “Well you could’ve called me, jackass! Let me know.”

Nate: “No, I don’t think so...”

Alex: “Sorry. I was more worried about Darla having a place to park when she got here.”

Nate: “That doesn’t really matter to me!”

Morte: “Look, you know I got the letter--”

Alex: “Oh, I see what you’re gettin’ at, those dudes had something to do with your dad, right?”

Nate: “Are you serious?”

Mort: “Precisely. And your dumbass decided not to call me, or take a message from them, or take their number--”

Nate: “I thought it sucked.”

Alex: “Quit yer bitchin’ -I said I was sorry!”

Nate: “I don’t care what she said, it was retarded!”

Mort: “I’ll never know now, will I?”

Nate: (starts walking off) “No - I appreciate your opinion, but I just thought...”

Alex: “Just relax there bucko, nothing is fucked here. If it was so god-damned important to ’em that they flew all the way down here from New York, then they’ll stop by again!”

Mort: (gets up) “Well...” (pops back, stretches) “I guess you’re right...I just hope you didn’t fuck this up for me.”

[camera follows morte to his room, he looks into the camera and slams his door]


Next Scene:

Opens with a pan shot of the outside of a diner at night.

Doc: (taking a sip of coffee) “I’m thinking we get there early in the morning tomorrow.”

Vin: “What if he’s gone again?”

Doc: “I doubt he will be. All the little high-schoolers should’ve graduated over a month ago.”

Vin: “Either way, we can’t take no for an answer.”

Doc: (nods) “Correct.”

[shot of ronin walking in]

Ronin: “Evenin’, blokes. S’a regular Larkyle group reunion, innit?”

Doc: (looks agitated) “What the hell are you doing? You don’t just go about shouting the name in an unfamiliar place!”

Ronin: (sits) “Oh, take a bloody pill.”

Vin: “He’s right - Ronin. It’s not the smartest thing in the world.”

Ronin: “Psh. Please. Larkyle, Larkyle. LARKYLE!”

Vin: “Shut the fuck up!

Doc: “Quiet down!”

Ronin: “Look, it don’t matter! You think the waitress gives a damn who we are, let alone who we work for? Or the trucker over there munchin’ on his sausage?”

Doc: “It would just be more prudent if you’d shut your mouth about Lar - ahem - our company.”

Ronin: “Sure. Sorry to hurt you ladies’ feelings.”

Vin: “Why the hell is he here again, Doc?”

Doc: (holds up hand as if to silence Vin)

Ronin: “Exactly what I’m askin’ myself right about now. So what’s the score then, lovelies? It’d better be good, I had to pay an arse load in cab fare to find my way here from the airpo--”

Doc: “--No one cares. Did the boss get in touch with you about this?”

Ronin: “Positively. I talked to him after I got off the phone with Vin - and our illustrious Mr. Gray told me you two ponces were to debrief me about the situation.”

Vin: “Good to see he trusts us with this one, keeping us in the loop and all...”

Doc: “What the hell are you talking about ’keeping us IN the loop’? We ARE the loop!”

Vin: “Hey, shut up, it felt good to say it is all.”

Doc: “You can’t be serious - for Christ’s sake - this isn’t a buddycop movie!”

Vin: “Did I or did I not just say ‘shut up’?”

Ronin: “Bloody hell, you two are like a couple of old women!”

Doc: “Fuck Off!”

Vin: “Fuck Off!”

Ronin: “Don’t get yer damn knickers in a bunch, I’m only playin’! You can’t take life so seriously - after all, you’re not--”

Vin: “-You’re not getting out of it alive. Uh-huh. We’ve heard it.”

Doc: “Too many times. Funny, that’s almost the antithesis of Mr. Gray’s motto:

Ronin: } SAID IN UNISON

Vin: } “Pay attention to everything, God is in the details.”

Doc: } SAID IN UNISON

Ronin: “Just like old times. May we proceed now?”

Doc: “Mmmm - yes. To put it simply, Vin and I are here to recruit someone-”

Ronin: (starts to speak) “But why--”

Doc: (interrupts) “-I’m sure you have a million questions: why here in St.Louis and not in New York, why now, et cetera - but just shut up and listen: This kid’s father worked for us until he...”

Vin: “until he was retired”

Doc: “Yes. Thank you. Our employer does have some sense of honor and erego wants us to make sure the son is well looked after.”

Vin: “Hence, he works for us...like father like son.”

Ronin: “Hopefully without the being murdered bit. I get the picture, but you still haven’t explained why you need-”

Vin: (interrupts) “-yes, why we need you. Just shut up and listen, you egotistical limey prick.”

Ronin: (flips off Vin)

Doc: “Vin can train the boy in firearms and marksmanship, however Mr. Gray wishes that you round-out the training with hand-to-hand combat skills.”

Ronin: “Hahaha - haven’t heard of new recruits being taught unarmed assassination in a long time.”

Vin: “A vulgar and outdated method of dispatching someone.”

Ronin: “That’s just your opinion, you wop dago cuntrag.”

Doc: “Enough already children.” (Vin and Ronin sort-of chuckling) (Doc slides Ronin an envelope) “There’s your payment for this venture, and the address. Meet us there tomorrow at that time...”

Ronin: “Afterwards we can all go hit the bar and chug some lager!”

Vin: (sarcastic) “Certainly, at 10 AM. Sounds like fun.”

Ronin: “Hey, you only live once...unless you’re hindu. Heheh. See you, Mr. and Mrs. Larkyle.” (ronin exits)

Vin: “Jesus, what a moron.”

Doc: “More like an idiot savant. I just wish he wouldn’t broadcast the ‘L’ word to the public.”

Vin: “You’re tellin’ me.”

Doc: (sips his coffee, lights a smoke) “eh...let’s head back to the hotel. A drink doesn’t sound half-bad.”

Vin: “I’ll second that.”

[they get up, drop some cash on the table and walk off-camera]


Next Scene:

Opens with a pan shot outside of Mort’s place, early in the morning.

Chaz: (opens door, yawns, scratches balls...notices a package on the front step. He bends down, picks it up and shuts the door)

[over-shoulder shot, the package just says ‘Morte’]

Chaz: (tosses the package on the already-cluttered table, walks off-camera)

[shot of Mort laying in a weird/funny position with mouth open, asleep]

[loud knocking. Pause. Loud knocking. Mort stirs and falls back asleep, louder knocking]

Mort: “...5 more minutes, mom...”

[Bang - bang - bang]

Mort: (gets up, rubs eyes. Camera follows him to the front door, he opens it to see vin, doc, and ronin standing there) “Can I help you?”

Doc: “Why yes - we are looking for Mort.”

Mort: (eyes widen) “That’s me, are you--”

Doc: “Call me Doc. These are my fellow associates, may we enter?”

Mort: (opens door the rest of the way) “Please...”

[doc is smiling, vin looks disgusted, ronin looks bored, they all sit]

Mort: “Are you - I mean, Alex said...um...are you - I got a letter--”

Doc: “Yes, from Malkin Gray, our employer. We are here to discuss some things with you about your father - and to present you with a proposition.”

Morte: “Alright, well - first I wanna know--”

Doc: “-This really isn’t the most...appropriate of settings.”

Mort: “I’m sorry -who are you again?”

Vin: “Name's ain't important.”

Doc: “Forgive my impetuous companion, but he does have a point. We were hoping to buy you breakfast and talk to you in a more...discrete location.”

Mort: “And why is that?”

Ronin: “Look kid, they wanna offer you a job, but they don’t want your roommates over-hearin’.”

[vin and doc both turn and stare at ronin]

Ronin: “What? WHAT?”

Doc: (stands up, followed by vin) “Shall we?”

Morte: “Sure, lemme throw some shit on.”

Doc: “We’ll be waiting outside.”

[shot of doc, vin and ronin walking to the car]

Vin: “Wow. Deja Vu.”

Doc: (turns to ronin) “Now listen here, my witless chum, and listen closely: you’re here to help train him - that’s it! I’m the recruiter - so leave the fucking recruiting to me!” (stabs ronin in the chest with forefinger)

Ronin: “Calm down and stop poking me.”

Doc: (attempting to regain composure) “Very well...(sigh) I respect you, Ronin, I do...but I don’t want to file a negative report to the boss. That would make management unhappy...and when management is unhappy, I’m unhappy. Understood?”

Ronin: “Understood.”

Doc: “Good - now for your own fucking well-being, behave yourself!”

[they get into the car]

Vin: “Were you guys gabbing about Larkyle?”

Ronin: “No, why?”

Vin: “Well don’t say shit about Larkyle.”

Ronin: (casually) “Right, right.”

Vin: “I’m fucking serious, douchbag! The boss is so god-damned paranoid because of this ‘mystery package’ about Larkyle that he wants us to start scoping for it while we’re here.”

Doc: “I refuse to have this conversation again. There is no package, never was.”

Vin: “I understand that - but what I’m getting at is: this kid doesn’t need to know any more info about us than what we give him...so don’t be screaming ‘Larkyle’ at the top of your fucking lungs!”

Ronin: “Alright already! I get it, I know - Gray told me all about the package that Morte was supposed to get on his 18th birthday, the warning about us and the company - blah, blah, fucking blah, ad fucking nauseam.”

Doc: “Now that we’re all on the same page, let’s get to the business at hand: recruit Morte, train him, pop his cherry, and get him back to New York.”

Vin: “Pop his cherry meaning--”

Ronin: “--Yeah - I bloody well know what you mean. I’ve been with Lar - with the corporation just as long as you.”

Doc: “Can we all please just calm down? We have to project a professional image and attitude to the boy so he’ll join us willingly.”

Vin: “Right.”

Ronin: “Gotcha.”

Doc: “And not one more word - NOT ONE - about ‘Larkyle’, or Mr. Gray, or any god-damned package! If the little bastard was to receive any package, he would’ve gotten it long ago. With that, this conversation is over!”

[cut to the package sitting on table, pull out shot of Mort leaving]

[doc, vin, morte and ronin peel out in the car]

[cut to inside the house, chaz sneaking around, pops in a porno, and sits in front of the tv with a beer]

Chaz: (obviously masturbating) “Oh, baby. Dirty, nasty -mmmm...”

[shot of alex slowly coming into the doorway, watching]

Alex: “What the fuck?”

Chaz: (screams, drops beer, struggles to pull up pants while juggling the remote control to turn off the tv) “Alex, hey - uh -it’s - wh--”

Alex: “What the hell are you doing?”

Chaz: “I’m - uh, it’s gospel television - it’s - uh - like church.”

(finally turns off the tv and zips his pants)

Alex: “Sure. You go to church with a beer in one hand and your dick in the other.”

Chaz: “It’s early. I thought everyone was asleep.”

Alex: “Hallelujah. You are SOOOO getting your own tv.”

Chaz: “Wh-well, uh--”

Alex: (tosses chaz a towel) “Just shut up and clean up.” (alex exits)

Chaz: (stands there for a minute, hears alex’s door slam shut, turns on tv and goes back to it...) “Mmmm...nasty girl, nasty little strumpet - yes, yes...”


Next Scene:

Opens with a still shot outside the diner.

[pan shot of the inside with ronin, morte, vin and doc]

Mort: “Mm-hmm. About 4 months ago.”

Vin: (nodding thoughtfully, looking at doc) “Good...so, now you’re old enough to smoke, vote and join the army, eh?”

Mort: “Well, I don’t smoke, I have no interest in voting, and I could care less about joining the army.”

Ronin: “Smart boy!”

Mort: “Guys - come on. I don’t wanna be an asshole, but let’s cut the shit, alright? I didn’t come here for a social call, I got questions I want answered. So can we dispense with the formalities and get to the point?”

Doc: “Hahaha- I like this kid. Fair enough. Now--”

Morte: "-my father.”

Doc: “Yes, ofcourse...your father. He worked for Malkin Gray,whom is also our employer. He was a good man. Always on time, always willing to get the job done.”

Morte: “The job? What is it he did...what do you guys do?”

Doc: (looks at vin and ronin) “Ahem. We are, mmmm, enforcers after a fashion. Many, many clients find themselves in need of Mr. Gray’s help. This help, like any other business, comes at a price. It is a business after all, not a charity. Our employer requires certain unpleasant tasks to be completed ‘under the radar’ so to speak...tasks that he himself cannot or will not be affiliated with.”

Mort: (sort of lowers his head near the table, almost whispering) “I’ve been listening to the crap coming out of your mouth for a little while now. It’s very clean, almost politically correct. But personally I think my father was a deadbeat and a loser. He was never there for me or my mom, but he always had a nice car and expensive clothes while our cabinets were almost barren except for ramen noodles, and the ’fridge had nothing but mustard. He was always gone and YOU people are part of the reason for that. So this little ‘business venture’ or ‘job opportunity’ or whatever better be fucking good, or else you’re wasting your time. Mom filed a missing persons report but nothing ever came of it. So I will put it simply: What happened to him?”

Vin: “He was killed, son. Sorry...murdered by one of Mr.Gray’s enemies. And...the boss didn’t want the report filed by the cops to go anywhere, he wanted the situation to be kept in-house. You know how family things are...”

Mort: (sort-of slumped down, looking sad) “And now that I’m old enough I can join your little mob and pick up where my dad left off, is that it? Then get shot just like him? NO - no, that’s not-”

Doc: “-Just relax Mort. It’s not that simple. Mr. Gray wants to help you, give you a family that you never had before. So your father abandoned you, so what? You learned a lesson from him, you know to not ever do that to your son, if you have one. But for right now, just consider our...our proposal.”

Mort: “What proposal? What? I’ve got friends, I’m gonna startcollege soon...”

Vin: “And then what, kid? You think you got all the answers?Then what?”

Morte: “-well...”

Vin: “Here’s what: you get your degree. You get a job. Maybe you get married, maybe you don’t, maybe you have kids, maybe you don’t. The most you can expect is boring nights watching television and a lack of purpose. You might make upwards of 50 grand a year, you pay your insurance and your taxes and then...that’s it. Then you’re dead.”

[silence for a moment]

Morte: “And I suppose you are going to inundate me with the alternative?”

Doc: “Correct, Morte. Precisely correct. Ronin, the briefcase?”

Ronin: (pulls out briefcase and looks around suspiciously, then opens it in front of Mort)

Mort: (blankly stares at the money) “Uh...what...um...”

Doc: “5 hundred-thousand, Mort...half a million dollars right there in front of you. That’s a lot of money - especially for someone who’s just graduated high school. It’s yours for the taking - as a salary - but as I stated earlier, this is a business, not a charity. Certain things will be expected of you.” (doc closes the case) “And the proper term is ’organized foundation for less-than-legal activities’... ‘mob’ just sounds so juvenile.”

Morte: (dumb-struck) “I...I need to think about this.”

Ronin: “Nothing to think about, kid. Just take the money. Your Da' was an alright bloke, roundabouts. He’d want you to...and your uncle Malkin wants you to. We want you to...and if you say ‘yes’, we’ll keep tellin’ you more about your pop. And more about what it is we do.”

[slow fade to black]

[Mort’s voice: “...where do I sign?”]

[various shots of Mort training with ronin, doing hand-to-hand combat, training with vin, learning about guns and marksmanship]

[overlapping the shots of Mort’s training is docs voice:]

Doc: “You wanna work for us, great. Here’s the rules...200, 000 per two years as salary starting out. That’s 100,000 per year, more than some people will see in their entire lives. You will get a double in premium salary every 5 years that you work for us. So in 10 years you can be making upwards of 1 million dollars a year, payable in straight cash, non-taxed on January 15th. That’s right: Vin, Ronin and I are millionaires. Like how that sounds, eh? Well, now you know what’s possible - here are the requirements: Firstly, you do not flaunt what you have. Buy nice outfits, nice cars - but don’t be flashy. That attracts the wrong kind of attention. Next, and most important: you work your fucking ass off for us and for Mr. Gray. No sick days, no vacation time - you want vacation time then go teach kindergarten. We get up early and we work late. There is no tolerance for drug addiction or alcoholism. Don’t be mistaken...this is no easy job. You don’t clock in or clock out. You will be on-call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You are a call-man. A minute-man. A professional...and you will learn how to kill.”

[pan shot of morte from his feet up, in a nice suit with sunglasses on, putting a gun in his jacket]

[next shot is ronin, vin and morte in background, doc in foreground talking on the phone.]

Doc: “He’s learning exceptionally well, and he’s...yes - yes, he’s asked very few questions...No, nothing else about - that’s correct, I told him everything you said, ibid. Nothing else regarding his father. My opinion? I think he’ll be successful, just as much as Vin and I. (pause) No. (sigh) Yes - of-course we looked - but we found nothing. Not a single, solitary trace of any - uh -huh. We’re waiting right now, do you have a mark?” (Doc waits, looks back at the group) “Okay.” (Walks over to vin, ronin and Mort)

Vin: “What’s up, Doc? Haahhahah”

Doc: “Oh, you’re hilarious. What’s up is that we have a live one, and we’re gonna go see what our boy here is made of.”

[next shot is the car leaving and arriving somewhere in the city]

Mort: “So, what are we doing here?”

Doc: “My boy, what you are doing here is your first job. It is an enforcement, but no killing. Seems that a fellow by the name of Gerald is in charge of all profits in a particular restaurant, and-”

Mort: “And he hasn’t paid up?”

Doc: “No. Not that. Apparently, he’s a vicious and mean drunk who likes to hit women...his girlfriend to be precise. That type of reputation doesn’t exactly bring in the customers or extol the virtue of fine dining...just, uh - change his tune so that he can change his reputation-”

Mort: “So that profits come trickling back in?”

Doc: “You got it.” (hands Mort a picture)

[Mort exits the car and starts walking up the street. he turns a corner and sees gerald sitting on some steps next to a girl]

Gerald: “Stoopid fuckin’ bitch! What’d I tell you? This is all your god-damned fault!”

Mort: “Gerald!”

Gerald: (looks up) “Who da fuck are you?”

Mort: (pistol-whips him) “I work for Mr. Gray. You remember your landlord, Mr. Gray don’t you?”

Gerald: (spits out blood) “fu-fucckkkhhh”

Mort: “That’s good, very good,” (bends down and grabs the back of gerald’s hair) “Now this beautiful woman doesn’t deserve to be hit anymore...so I’m ordering you to quit. I’m also ordering you to clean up your act, you pathetic alcoholic bastard, so get some new chefs and waiters and clean up this restaurant. Mr. Gray wants to see a turn in profits within the next 2 months. You got that?”

Gerald: “Y- yea-yeah. No- no booze, new cooks...”

Mort: “Glad to see we’re communicating. Remember, better profits in two months, or I’ll be back by to see you...” (the car pulls up with doc, vin and ronin) “And my crew and I here will have a score to settle.” (the car drives off camera)

[pan shot inside the car]

Mort: “Holy shit! Holy shit! I can’t believe I just did that! It’s like I was in some movie...good fellas or some thing!”

Vin: “Hey kid, you did alright!”

Ronin: “Fuck alright, he was bloody brilliant! Much better performance than I expected.”

Doc: “Quite right. You accomplished more than I anticipated. Mr. Gray will be pleased. What do you boys say we take our new partner out to celebrate?”

Ronin: “Sounds fantastic.”

Vin: “Fuckin’ A.”

Doc: “Well, Mort? You in?”

Mort: “Hell yeah I’m in...hell yeah.”


Next Scene:

Opens with a shot outside of mark coming into the house, nate

laying on the couch watching tv.

Mark: “Whattup?”

Nate: “Not here.”

Mark: “Really? Where’s he at? I haven’t seen him in weeks-”

Nate: “He usually just sleeps here. Gets up early and leaves -doesn’t say anything to any of us...”

Mark: “Cecilia said that he’s been busy - she thinks he dropped out of college.”

Nate: “That’s what I heard.”

Mark: (walks to kitchen, gets a glass of water, starts rifling through crap on the table) “What’s all this?”

Nate: “Mort’s mail. He hasn’t touched that either.”

Mark: (picks up package, sits down on couch) “Hmmm...” (opens package - there is merely a letter inside with a key taped to it)

Letter Contents: “Mort, there are so many things I wanted for you...and so many things that you don’t know about me. If you’re reading this letter then obviously I’m dead and you’re all alone. I had so hoped it would not come to this - but it has. If this is in your hands then the CIA couldn’t protect me from the Larkyle group. I went deep, deep under cover to expose Malkin Gray’s corporation from the inside out - to bring them down. Regardless, it is now up to you. This key opens a locker at Grand Central Station in downtown St.Louis, and in the locker are files of the various leaders of Larkyle. These dossiers are the ultimate weapon, information that our government has been trying to get for years. Now you can send it to the proper authorities and make those Larkyle bastards pay for taking me from you. If you ever loved me, son - forgive me...and grant a dead man his last wish...”

Mark: “Holy shit!”

Nate: “What?”

Mark: “Hey - uh - any weird guys been coming around a lot lately?”

Nate: “Weird guys? You mean - besides you?”

Mark: “I mean strangers.”

Nate: “Ummm- I did see some not too long ago. I guess they’re Mort’s pals. Suits, just business dudes, y’know?”

Mark: “I’ve got a bad feeling...” (gets up and leaves, slamming door)

Nate: “Where are you-” (notices mark gone) “-going? Eh...nobody ever tells me anything.”

[next shot is Mort, ronin, vin and doc in a bar]

Doc: “To Mort, our protege!”

[they all clank their glasses, ‘to morte’ in unison]

Mort: (smiling) “I must say, you guys know how to make someone feel welcome. No wonder my dad was part of this outfit.” (vin and doc exchange an uneasy glance)

Ronin: “It ain’t all glitz and glamour, boyo. Sometimes we kill assholes, have sex with beautiful women, drive fast cars and play with big guns.”

Mort: “Sounds like torture.”

Ronin: (takes a big swig of ale) “Oh, it’s the pits!”

Doc: “So here’s the deal: we’re all very proud of you. You’re primed and ready now, so we’re just waiting for the boss to give us a mark so you can pop your cherry.”

Mort: “But I’m not a virgin.”

Vin: “Hahahah - no - we aren’t talking about that. We mean you have to prove your real nerve son...prove that you can - um -dispatch someone.”

Mort: “Ah. Is it hard? I mean, the first time? Harder than clubbing some slob over the head with a gun? I was more nervous then I’d ever been in my life back there, knots in my stomach and everything...”

Doc: “To be honest, the first time I did it I threw up...yep, I puked.”

Vin: “You never told me that!”

Doc: “Is it really important? I didn’t even know you at the time.”

Ronin: “Well, whiptee bloody-do! Let’s not scare the boy.”

Vin: “Ronin, have you ever fired a weapon in your life?”

Ronin: “What’s that got to do with anything you wanker? You ever sliced a man’s throat up close and personal, instead of killing him from 500 yards away with a sniper rifle?”

Doc: “Hey, would you 2 like to pull out your penises and measure ’em right here? I don’t think the waitress would appreciate it.”

(ronin and vin stare at each other) “...c’mon ladies, kiss and make up.”

Mort: “Doc’s right. Think of it this way: you’re both at opposite ends of the hitman spectrum, yet you’re both equally important.”

(ronin nods and vin shrugs) “And since I know what the both of you have taught me, I can kick both your asses!”

Vin: (gives morte a noogie) “Fat chance you scrawny bitch!”

(ronin and doc laugh)

Doc: “Alright, alright. Enough with the homo-erotic comeradery.

Let’s see what you’ve learned...Morte, what’s the first and last line of defense against all your enemies?”

Mort: “Misinformation.”

Doc: “Via what?”

Mort: “Altered records, false identification, hacking and cracking, and bold-faced lies.”

Doc: “Very good. Spoken like a true prodigy, Ronin?”

Ronin: “The 3 main keys of hand-to-hand combat?”

Mort: “Simplicity, surprise and speed.”

Ronin: “Secondary rules?”

Mort: “Always have a weapon on you, always be able to turn something near you into a weapon, and always have a back-up plan.”

Ronin: “Nice, that’s - that’s very nice.”

Vin: “My turn. Primary rules of firearms?”

Mort: “1- always have one. 2- always make sure the chamber is clean. 3 - don’t forget the ammo.”

Vin: “Lastly?”

Mort: “When it’s time to shoot: point, breath, relax, and squeeze...”

Vin: “...and?”

Mort: (waves hands like a composer) “And always have a backup plan.”


Next Scene:

Mark walking through the train station, shots of him talking to employees, then heading towards the locker.

Next shot: from inside the locker. The locker opens as mark pulls out a thick foler.

Mark: (looks through folders, a dossier on vin, then ronin, then doc, then one of malkin gray without a picture) “Jesus Christ!”

(starts running out)

[pan shot of Mort in the bar, his cell phone rings]

Mort: “This is me.”

Mark: (driving) “Mort?”

Mort: (sarcastic) “Yeah!”

Mark: “Thank god. Where the hell have you been?”

Mort: “Uh-”

Mark: “It’s not important, where are you at...where?”

Mort: “Just chill out, I’m at a bar with some friends.”

Mark: “Who, god-damn it?”

Mort: “None of your god-damn business! What the fuck is your problem, Mark?”

Mark: “We gotta talk, soon.”

Mort: “So talk.”

Mark: “No, no - in person.”

Mort: “I’ll be home later tonight.”

Mark: “Are they there?”

Mort: “Is who here?”

Mark: “The suits...” (rifling through folders) “uh...Doc, Vin, Ronin, Malkin Gray...these people you’re mixed up with, they’re not what they seem!”

Mort: (looks around) “We’ll talk later tonight. Good bye.”

Mark: “But--”

Mort: (hangs up phone, sets it on table)

Mark: “-hello? HELLO! Fuck!” (tosses phone in passenger seat)

Doc: (suspicious) “Problems?”

Mort: “No - no. Just the girlfriend, y’know? Bitching at me- I forgot her parents’ birthday or some shit.”

Vin: “A word of advice on relationships, Mort: Never get involved with a dame that you can’t walk out on in 30seconds.”

(Mort nods absently)

Doc: “Something bothering you?”

Mort: “Absolutely not, just nervous...the adrenaline rush is finally over I suppose.”

Ronin: (slaps him on the back) “Don’t be tossin’ ridiculous. You’ll be bleedin’ marvelous! Have a drink and relax...the hard part is gettin’ a gig like this - it’s all easy from here on out!”

[next shot: mark looking outside through the blinds at doc’s car pulling up, nighttime...followed up with pan shot outside of the crew getting out of the car]

Doc: “It would be wise to get a good night’s sleep. We need to be up early so we can wait for the boss’s call.”

Mort: “Gotcha, Doc.”

Vin: “We’ll be here at 8.” (Mort nods)

Ronin: “Best o-luck to ya, son!”

Mort: “What do you mean? Aren’t you coming?”

Ronin: “Nope, I’m out lad. Bloody job ’ere’s done - time to head back home to the french quarter.”

Morte: “Thanks for everything, it was a pleasure working with you...I don’t know what to say.”

Ronin: “No worries, Morte. You just say ‘bye’.”

Morte: “Bye.” (ronin gets into car, along with vin and doc)

[Mort walks up stairs with the sound of the car driving away. Inside: alex, nate and chaz playing video games]

Alex: “I can’t believe you fell for that, numb-nuts!”

Nate: “Oh - oh - it’s on now! There’s gonna be a special delivery of pain for your ass!”

Alex: “Don’t spank me too hard, daddy!”

Chaz: (looks up at Mort) “Howdy stranger. Where the fuck you been lately?”

Mort: “Mark here?”

Chaz: “Yep. I think he’s in your room...picking his nose or something--”

Alex: “--Maybe jackin’ off?”

Chaz: “Hey, shut the fuck up!”

[they continue playing and bickering, camera follows morte to his room and he slams open the door]

Mort: “So what’s so important, fuck-face?”

Mark: “First of all, what the hell’s going on with you? You abandon your friends and your girl for those...those two-bit criminals?”

Mort: “Look, I’ve been busy...and what concern is it of yours?”

Mark: “I’m your best friend, asshole! I’m trying to look out for you!”

Mort: “I don’t need your fucking help! Why do you need to look out for me?”

Mark: “Because of THEM, Mort! Those dickheads! They’re murderers, thieves--”

Mort: “They’re rich! And now I am too!”

Mark: “So what? Money isn’t everything!”

Mort: “Yeah? Well, it is when you’ve never had it!”

Mark: “Lemme guess, it’s so much easier to have money than a soul right?”

Mort: “Don’t give me that Christ crap, you self-righteous, sanctimonious prick!”

Mark: “Then I’ll put it in plainer terms:” (drops the folder with dossiers on Mort’s bed) “I think these guys killed your father. The Larkyle group, killed your father!”

Mort: (looks enraged, growling) “Get out.”

Mark: “Just listen: The Larkyle Group is a private equity fund, sort of like a invitation-only mutual fund, formed in a 1987 meeting between David Robenstien and William Konway Jr. at the Larkyle Hotel in Washington.”

Mort: “So what?

Mark: “Its assets are around billion, which is actually quite a lot of money to control if you demand profits on it. Those profits thus far have been about 35% per year, very impressive. Larkyle is the 7th largest defense contractor in the United States, and has numerous ventures everywhere -- for instance, a contract for training the Saudi Arabia National Guard. What makes Larkyle a bit different than ordinary funds is that certain people of influence use their extra-fund connections to benefit the greater good of the fund. Foremost among these is Frank Bartolucci, and if you wondered why an billion ‘Crusader’ defense system is still alive after being dis-recommended by the Pentagon, you need only look this far. They bailed out Euro-Disney for christ’s sake!”

Mort: “I’m not seeing a point here. What’s this got to do with my father, or Vin, or Doc or anything else?”

Mark: “The CIA has been after the Larkyle group for embezzlement, money laundering, trafficking illegal contraband and weapons internationally, and even murder. But because there’s so many damn umbrella companies and beaurocratic red tape...the feds can’t get to them. Larkyle has too much fucking money. Members include: Frank Barolucci, former US Secretary of Defense, Lou Gistner - the former CEO of IBM is the non-official chairman of Larkyle. John Minor, the former Prime Minister of Brittian is involved. Fidel Rimaus, the president of the Phillipines is a board member. The entire Saudi Royal family are members! George Bush is a partner, and so was Osama Bin Laden and the Bin Laden family until October 26, 2001."

Mort: “This all STILL has nothing to do with me! Get out!”

Mark: “Your father worked with the CIA to go undercover and get some hard evidence against Larkyle, and find out who was really pulling the strings. Well, he got the evidence...” (pointing to the folder with dossiers on Mort’s bed) “He got it, and they fucking killed him for it.”

Mort: “Mark...just...I need time.” (picks up the folder and dossiers) “Just leave.”

Mark: (long sigh...) “Fine.”

[mark storms out of the room and out of the house, slamming the door]

Alex: “...the hell?”

Nate: “Looks like the honeymoon’s over.”

[quiet shot of Mort in his room, reading the dossiers and his father’s letter. He picks up his phone and dials...]

Morte: “Cecilia...yeah, I know it’s been a long time, baby. Hey, can you come over tonight? I’ve got some things I’ve gotta talk to you about. Okay, love you too, bye.” (takes a deep sigh, then dials again) “Hey bro. Sorry about shouting at you...I read everything. I know. I know. Listen, come back over - I’ve got some things I’ve gotta talk to you about...yeah...a back-up plan...”

[fade to black...]


[next scene: morning. Mort’s house. Doc and Vin pull up in the driveway.

Mort walks out and comes down the steps]

Doc: “Ah, our young hero is looking rather chipper this morning!”

Vin: “Must’ve got laid last night.”

Doc: (lights cigarette) “Good for him...”

Mort: (gets into car) “Morning, fellas. What’s the word?”

Vin: “The word is ‘legs’...spread the word! Hahahha.”

Mort: “What’s on tap for today? We gonna do some more training? Rough up some bad guys?”

Doc: “Believe it or not, it’s the lush life today. We’re just on-call for the boss. We’ll do a little shopping, maybe hit a strip-club or two. Wait for his call, so we can pop your cherry and head back.”

Mort: “Head back? To New York?” (doc and vin turn around and look at him)

Doc: “How intuitive of you...funny, I didn't mention anything about New York.”

Mort: “Sure you did, remember?”

Vin: “How’s the little lady? Still mad at you?”

Morte: “No, she’s fine...she’s fine.” (looking nervous) “So...guys. I’ve been doing some research on the internet and I keep coming up with this crazy company...”

Vin: “So?”

Mort: “So - what’s the name. Carlyle group? Nope - no, it’s um- like carl? No, uh Larkyle? You guys know anything about a Larkyle group?”

[shot of vin and doc’s faces looking stricken. doc drops his cigarette]

Vin: (pulls out gun) “Alright, you little prick - tell us what you know and how you know it...Now!”

Doc: (pulls out cell phone and dials) “Mr. Gray? We think there might be a...slight wrinkle.”

Mort: (smiles) “Relax, Vin. No need to worry. You’re secret’s safe with me. After all, like father like son, right?”

Vin: (violently strikes Mort on the head) “I’m not playing games with you, boy.”

Mort: “Jesus fucking christ! It was my friend, Mark. He said he found a package and thought it might be interesting to me. It’s not a big deal, it’s not a--”

Vin: “Where’s the package?”

Doc: (covering up phone with his hand) “Package? Where? Where is it?” (screaming, enraged) “Where’s the fucking package?”

Vin: (looking at doc) “We’re fucked!”

Doc: “Shut up!”

Morte: “It’s - it’s gone. Destroyed. It was just some folders with some pictures and information about money. That’s it. Nothing incriminating.”

Vin: “What did it say? What the fuck did it say?” (cocks the gun)

Morte: “I dunno! Something about being a defense contractor for the US and the Saudi Arabian National Guard. That’s it. Some member info: like George Bush and Donald Trump and shit.”

Doc: (turns back to the phone) “Both of you SHUT UP!” (uncovers the phone) “That’s right, Mr. Gray - you were correct. We have found and recovered and destroyed the package. The package is no longer in play. The boy knows nothing...no - he didn’t receive the package, one of his friends did. Yes. (long pause) Understood, Mr. Gray.” (turns off the phone)

Vin: “We happy, Doc?”

Doc: (regains composure) “For the moment, we have assuaged our employer’s fears and fed his ego...due to my rampant penchant for fast-thinking and smooth-talking. We’ll probably get a bonus out of this, actually.” (turns to Mort) “And you’re lucky I like you, Mort. I just saved your life. Now, get on the line with your little friend, Mark...tell him to meet us at the mall, in the parking lot, in an hour. We must see him and discuss the package.”

Mort: “Okay, shit. Just don’t shoot me!”

Doc: “Step outside with me, Vin?” (vin nods and they exit the car as Mort is talking on the phone)

Vin: “The kid’s got balls, but they aren’t that big. I believe him. I don’t think he saw shit or that he knows shit about shit.” (whispers) “He definitely doesn’t know any of the Larkyle affairs have to do with his father.”

Doc: (smiling, re-lighting his cigarette) “It’s good that you trust your gut, Vin. Well, once again we will have fallen into a pile of dung and leapt up smelling like roses...”

Vin: “What’d the boss say?”

Doc: “We kill two birds with one stone. Mort’s friend will meet us and help Mort pop his cherry. Thus ridding the possibility of the Larkyle information leaking out to anyone else...while simultaneously proving Mort’s resolve. Meanwhile, you and I are rewarded in the eyes of our employer for a job well done, a secret well-kept, and an new recruit well-trained.”

Vin: “Fantastic work! So, you’re saying...” (slightly giggles) “The mark - is Mark?”

[next scene. Sometime later. The car pulls up in the mall parking lot with vin, doc, and Mort. They exit the car. Beside them is Mark in his car. He exits]

Mark: “Holy shit, Morte, you okay?”

Mort: (holding forehead) “Fine.”

Doc: “Hello, you must be Mark.” (walks over and punches mark in the stomach, mark collapses) “Pleased to meet you. Now we want to make very sure of one thing...the package. It’s destroyed, yes?”

Mark: (coughs) “Yes...yeah. I didn’t think it was that important.”

Vin: (pulls out his gun) “It isn’t. Not anymore.” (hands the gun to Mort)

“Well, here it is, the moment of truth. Time to pop your cherry. Now just point, breath, relax and squeeze...”

Mort: (takes hold of the gun, looks at doc)

Doc: “You can do it, Mort. I have faith in you.”

Mort: (slowly levels the gun at mark, who is on his knees) (long dramatic pause) (Mort lowers the gun, then drops it on the ground)

Vin: “Hmmm...well, that was sort of a let-down.”

Doc: “Yes, perhaps. But this has all been planned for anyway. The boss has instructed me as to the contingency.”

Vin: “Which is?”

Doc: (goes to the car and gets something. walks over to mark, crouches down and pulls out a thick envelope from his coat. he tosses it in front of mark) “This is payoff money. 200,000. Go to Mexico and never return to the states. In that envelope with the money is a phone number. Call it at this time every year and you’ll receive an envelope just like this, delivered FedEx.”

Mark: “Wha--”

Vin: “Can’t you just let me shoot him on sheer principle?”

Doc: (turning to Vin) “That is not part of Mr.Gray’s instructions.” (turns back to mark) “Get up and go, while you’re still in our good graces.”

[pan shot of mark getting in his car and peeling out. vin pushes Mort towards the car and shoves him in. doc and vin get in the car and the car leaves.]

Doc: (phone starts to ring, doc answers) “Hello. No. No. Yes. We’re on the way.” (hangs up the phone, turns to vin and nods)

Mort: “Where the hell are we going?”

Vin: “You know kid, I like you. Did ever since I first met you. You seemed like you could be tough as nails, kid. Tough as fucking nails. You did right by us and Mr. Gray the way you handled Gerald the other day...and you couldn’t do this. Couldn’t pop your cherry.”

Mort: “But that was Mark, for fuck’s sake! My best friend!”

Vin: (as if he didn’t hear morte) “And you know, that’s okay. This isn’t for everyone. You weren’t made for this and we know that now.”

Mort: (more desperate) “Where the fuck are we going?”

[next scene: the car pulls up in a graveyard. vin and doc turn around and face Mort. vin pulls a gun]

Doc: “Get out, Morte. We’re here.”

Morte: “A graveyard...this graveyard? NO! Why?”

Doc: “This is the way it tumbles down. Malkin Gray gave me expressed orders that, since you were privy to an unspecified amount of information, Mark was your test. If you passed, you were one of us...however, you failed that test. And our employer determined that if you should fail, it was our final duty to take you to meet your father.”

Morte: “You’re gonna fucking kill me?”

Vin: “‘meet your father’ isn’t used as a metaphor here.”

[the three exit the car, Mort in front with vin and doc behind him. they reach a particular headstone, and Mort is forced to his knees]

Doc: (cleaning his glasses for a minute) “Listen Kid,” (lights a cigarette)

“You had real potential. I thought you were going to be my protege, just like Vin here...”

Vin: (looks bored)

Doc: (takes a deep drag from cigarette, pondering) “And if I had my druthers, you’d just be put down south, kept liquored up day and night in Mexico.”

Vin: “Would’ve been a good deal...”

Doc: “As it stands currently, however, I have it handed down to me from a higher authority...” (looks down and takes a drag) “...that you’ll be nothing but a FUCK UP!!!”

Vin: (smiles sheepishly) “Time’s up, boy.”

Doc: (bends down and grabs Mort’s hair, sort-of growling:) “Our employer has thus determined that your existence is not in keeping with his corporate ideals.”

Vin: “Doc, can I shoot him now, or are you gonna talk him to death?”

Doc: “Yes, you’re right...I digress...” (pulls out a gun)

[vin and doc cock their guns behind the back of morte’s head]

[close-up on Mort’s face]

[2 gunshot sounds, vin and doc drop to the ground]

Doc: “Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!”

Vin: “Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!”

[standing behind them is cecilia with a smoking gun, morte walks up to her and kisses her]

Mort: “Thank you, baby.” (takes the gun)

Cecilia: “They were gonna - they tried to--”

Mort: “Murder me, yeah. Just like my father. Isn’t that right, guys?”

(kicks doc, doc moans, turns to vin) “How’s this for a back-up plan?”

(pulls out his other gun and unloads into vin, killing him)

Doc: (rolls over, spits up blood) “You - ugh - you’re nothing you little pipsqueak. Nothing!”

Mort: (kicks doc in the ribs) “Shut the fuck up.” (grabs doc’s cell phone, starts dialing) “I hit re-dial. I’m certain this is a direct line to Mr. Gray himself. I want you to tell him that all is well, I’m exterminated and you’re headed back to New York. Do it and you win a trip to Mexico, don’t do it and you’re dead.”

Doc: “Fuck you!”

Mort: (grabs doc’s hair) “DO IT!!!”

Doc: (listens to phone) “Mr. Gray? Yes. Yes, it’s done. We’re clear and we’re headed back. See you soon.” (Mort takes the phone and smashes it on the headstone) (doc laughs) “hahahha- young Morte. In the process of fighting monsters, make sure that you yourself do not become one...”

Mort: “I’ll remember that, Doc. Give my regards to my father.”

[pan shot of Mort over doc. he fires round after round into doc’s body.

Mort and cecilia head back to the car]

Cecilia: “Where are we going?”

Mort: “New York, sweetie. I have some unfinished business with a former employer...” (turns to cecilia and smiles) “I’m going to tender my resignation.”

[next scene: sometime later. new york. outside of malkin gray’s home. Cars pull up and nate, alex, chaz, mark and Mort exit - all bearing guns and sunglasses]

Mark: (stops Mort) “You sure you’re up to this, man?”

Mort: (grins) “I was born for this...like father, like son.”

[the group breaks off into different directions around the house, shooting down a few armed guards until Mort gets to the front door and rings the bell, he sidesteps the door. when it opens he grabs malkin gray and rushes inside, followed by mark, alex, nate and chaz]

Malkin Gray: “What the hell are you doing in my home? This is preposterous!”

Mort: “Shut up!” (throws mr.gray into a chair)

[once the room is secure, all the guys stand vigil at different corners of the room]

Mort: (takes off sunglasses) “Heyya boss. Wondering why Doc and Vin couldn’t join the party? Well...let’s just say I had to ‘retire’ them. Guys...” (motions to alex, nate, chaz “If you could allow us a little privacy?” (mark stops and looks back at Mort as if to say something, Mort just holds up one hand as if to say: go)

Malkin Gray: (puts on a salesman’s smile) “So, you’re willing to talk? Fine. What do you want? Or should I say...how much? I have all the money you could ever think you’ll need. Whores? Drugs? I have it all. I could give you your own country!”

Mort: (shoots mr.gray in the shoulder - mr.gray: “aaarrrggghhh!!!”) “I am not here as your ransomer...I’m here as your executioner.”

Malkin Gray: “Aaarrggghhh!!! Why? Because I killed your father? You didn’t even know him! And that was so long ago, what difference does it make?”

Mort: (shoots mr.gray in the other shoulder - mr.gray:“aaarrrggghhh!!!”) “It makes a difference on a very personal level to me. You’re the reason he wasn’t there for me or my mother. You’re the reason we were a broken family...and ultimately you were the one who gave the order to murder him.”

Malkin Gray: (laughing) “hahahha - fine, boy. Fine. Kill me. See how little difference it makes. Someone will just take over for me when I’m gone. Malkin Gray is a title, you little snot, it’s not a name. I took the mantle of Malkin Gray when I was conniving enough to have the former Malkin Gray killed and my hands washed clean of it. That’s the beauty. You work your way up the ladder in the Larkyle group by being more vicious than the next person, by stepping on their heads instead of stepping up the corporate ladder.”

Mort: “Your time is ending quickly - Malkin Gray...if I were you I’d choose my words more carefully.” (shoots him in the stomach)

Malkin Gray: (spits out blood) “rrgghh! Hahahaha! Do it then! Become like me! Be worse than me! You can become the next Malkin Gray...I’m sure your father would be proud. Do it! You see me? You’re looking at yourself!”

Mort: “You are pathetic.” (shoots him in the leg)

Malkin Gray: “AAAHAHHA!!!” (pain mixed with laughter) “I see now the boy become a man...isn’t it the greatest compliment in the world to pop your cherry by killing Malkin Gray himself? I’m proud of you, boy. Mort. You try rigorously to hold back the demons inside you, yet here you are...letting them take over. That’s good...very good. (sigh) You have what it takes. Become the king. Become Mr. Gray. Take over Larkyle...The...throne...is...yours...” (closes eyes)

[Mort shoots malkin gray repeatedly until his gun goes ’click, click, click’]

[long silence]

[the phone begins to ring]

[the phone rings and rings and rings]

[eventually Mort picks it up...]

Mort: “Hello.... Yes.... That’s right...”

(looks directly in the camera)

“This is Mr. Gray.”





THE END




Write a Review Did you enjoy my story? Please let me know what you think by leaving a review! Thanks, Zak Standridge
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