THE SEVENTH CROSS

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JASON'S ANGUISH

Financially they were doing well. He saw enough clients to ensure an adequate income but still leave him ample time to pursue other interests, including a wife which had never been part of his plan. He hadn’t even considered getting married, and now he was, and he’d made a huge blunder to top it off!

Janice had taken a much longer path than he, but through sheer persistence, had climbed the proverbial ladder that led to her becoming a published author of some note. She was proud of her achievements (not too proud, of course), and the money had began to flow. Macaroni and cheese were no longer staples in their home even though they still occupied hallowed spaces in their shelves.

Neither one of them were big spenders so money would be the least of their problems. “How incredibly blessed we are!” and she would physically pinch herself. “Ouch!”

Jason was incredibly well thought of in his field, and even though he didn’t mix socially with his peers all that often, he was constantly sought after as a speaker at many of their functions. He, the shy guy, delivered his speeches eloquently as always, and then seemingly disappeared as the night wore on. The truth is, he wandered. He wandered the streets of whatever city the latest function brought them to. Always searching, but for what, he did not know.

There were three such functions yearly; usually one here, and the others spread out down the western seaboard. He loved this opportunity to escape the confines of his daily life, but he also knew that each time he ventured forth, potential trouble loomed.

The truth is, he often drove between Seattle and Portland anyway. He loved the drive and he could drive there and return and no one would be the wiser. It was only 173 miles, and if one avoided weekends and holidays, it only took about three hours. San Francisco, on the other hand was nearly 700 miles away so that was out of the question. Fortunately, his work took him there a couple of times a year, so it wasn’t long until he knew his way around San Francisco nearly as well as Seattle. And that was not a good thing for certain individuals that happened to cross his path at the wrong time.

Jason knew that one day this would all come to an end. He never should have allowed Janice to get so close to him. Not like he tried very hard to push her away! But he knew that even though he fought tooth and claw against the demons that pervaded his thinking on so many occasions, he would ultimately give in yet again. It was inevitable.

He couldn’t understand how the God he so professed to love would allow this to happen. “Lord, am I doomed to Hell? I’ve laid my life at the cross over and over. I’ve given it all to you, but Lord, I can’t seem to stop! Help me please!”

This would repeat itself over and over throughout the years. Jason would feel God’s presence, and then he wouldn’t. And he had no one to talk to. How could he have? One word of this to anyone and it would be all over. Which would be good, but what about Janice, and her family? “Lord, let me die!”

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