Nobody Loves The Sad Girl
It’s the oldest story in the world really, your
eighteen and meet a boy, only to have your heart broken. Throughout it all, my
sob story got a little complicated.
I didn’t find my happy ending after him. There was no “good guy” to pick me up and save me from my tears. Instead I sit here allowed to do nothing more than drown in my thoughts, replaying how things unfolded and feeling sorry for myself... But don’t question my reason for putting it all on paper, maybe I want someone to feel sorry for me or maybe writing is all I’m allowed to do in this twisted world I now call home. I sorta hope after I finish this journal one of these bastards gets curious and reads it. By the end of the week everyone will hear about it. About me, my life. Then maybe I’ll have been wrong, to think that my life mwasn’t worth it.
They only love you when you’re dead right?
-SKY May 18, 2001
Nora: “My friend’s coming over tonight so don’t come home after school. And clean the floors, someone would walk in here and think we run a crack house.”
Sky: “Those aren’t my drugs all over the floor, why don’t you bend over and clean them yourself? That’s all you seem to be good at anyway.”
Since I could remember my mom has never been much
of a mother figure. We don’t talk much unless her friends come over for a
routine business transaction; a fair trade. That’s what she called it when I was
growing up and asking questions… Once mommy and her friends are done having
sex, she gets any drug her stone cold heart desires. A fair trade.
Nora: “Your funny kid, watch that teenage mouth of yours. I’ll hit you where it counts.”
She left our 2 bedroom apartment with Fae’s tight body con neon pink dress and high kneed hooker boots that day. Nora would be considered decent for a 32 year old if she wasn’t just 90 pounds of bone. She’s got only eight teeth which are slowly rotting away like the rest have. The hives covering her skin from unclean syringes have infected her whole body, creating lumps. I grab my bag, pick up the left over cocaine and hurry to Seth’s house. I pass in front of a mirror on the way out, interpreting what I see… The drugs have made me weaker; the lack of food leaves bruises of yellow and black on my body and I’m constantly dizzy. My scalp once full of thick, long purple hair has begun to shed so much that as I look at my reflection I see spots of balding.
Brushing the concern of my sanity away, I hurry to Seth’s.
I walk up the steps to his one bedroom apartment, holding my breath from the scent of dead mice rotting between the building’s walls and an overwhelming smell of wood shiner he uses as air freshener. Seth’s waiting at the door when I get to the last step.
Seth: “Did you bring it?”
Sky: “Hi to you too, its such a nice morning you hungry? Wanna go for breakfast?”
Seth: “Don’t feel like it. Did your mom have left overs or do I need to make a call?’
I roll my eyes as I close the door behind me. His place is dark, with not much to it apart from the dirty dishes filling any flat surface and a coach he found outside that smells of piss and came with a few cockroaches. I’ve made the habit to keep my shoes on since it might be cleaner for me to walk barefoot outside.
Sky: “You know it would be nice if you took me out once in a while.”
Seth: “No need, pass it over.”
Sky: “What’s wrong now?”
Seth: “Shut up and hand it over Sky!”
Sky: “Is this really how you treat your girlfriend? Where’s the respect!”
Seth: “Respect? Ha! Respect yourself. We started dating the day I stopped paying you for the sex. How do prostitutes like to be treated?”
Sky: “Great way to use that against me. You know my mother forced me into sleeping with those drug lords and old men! She allowed them to do anything they wanted with me for money.
Seth: “You’re not twelve anymore, you don’t have to be forced into anything Sky.”
Sky: “So what you’re
done with me? My work here is done? Why do you look at me with such disgust?”
Seth: “Why are you annoying me with questions? You’re really pushing my last nerve. Stop talking about us like there’s love involved. You’re nothing but a pussy with drugs.”
I remember how my heart sank
into my stomach when he said those words. I tried so hard to hold back the
tears, but slowly felt like I was losing myself. Seth was the only thing good I
had going in my life. But he turned out to make me feel right back at home, as
he used me for sex and drugs disguised as love. I basically discovered he was
no better than my mother and used me for the same things she did. I guess
that’s all I was really good for.
See unlike most kids, I was thrown into a lifestyle that throughout the years only continued to swallow me whole. The moment my mother held me in her arms my destiny was set. One of the only childhood memories I have is of the cigarettes mommy lite out on my right arm each time I cried too loud or disobeyed her friends.
And that’s when I realised she was to blame for all of it and it was time to put an end to it all…
Nora: “Why are you home? I told you my friends were coming over, don’t you ever listen you dumb kid. You’re worthless. I barely make any profit from you; no one wants you especially as you’re getting older.
Sky: “It’s all you fault! The way I am. Seth, the drugs, it’s all your fault!
Nora: *laughs hysterically* “Oh no… Did your little boy friend leave you? It was bound to happen sweetie, look at you. No one wants you.”
o n e
w a n t s
y o u
“No one wants you.” Those were the last words my mind could actually process. I still tremble and could feel the burning rage fill up in my body after those words escaped her mouth. I grabbed onto the empty bottle of Bacardi and smashed it over Nora’s head. Instantly I notice that she’s wearing my neon pink dress again. Always wearing my clothes that bitch! I launched on top of her as she hit the ground head first, the impact instantly knocking her out. I can still hear the crack of her as her skull hitting the ground as her blood began leaking onto the floor. Oh Nora, always making a damn mess!! It was all funny really. I was choking her. Have you ever choked someone who was already unconscious? I bet you haven’t. She was so lifeless, I almost wish she was awake so I could hear her beg for her life and watch as the final moments of life escape her dark eyes. Fae’s voice, so calm and sweet as she tells me what’s done is done and its ok, I had no choice but to kill my demons before they killed me.
looked down at mother and felt a flood of disgust. “No one wants you” her words
ringing in my head.
Fae:“Its okay Sky, Ill never let her hurt you again.”
took the tank of gasoline Nora use’s when she goes out to steal gas. I began
pouring it over all the furniture and trailed my way into each room until I got
back to Nora’s body and poured the remainder of gas over her lifeless, pathetic
corpse. I giggled. Fae thought I was so artistic. As I left the apartment I
broke my kitchen window, grateful to be living on the first floor. I stood on
the outside, looking in and lite a match… so beautiful the light of flames
created as I dropped the tiny match into the kitchen. The smell, oh. I’ll never
forget it. For the first time I no longer smelt the cheap scent of cherry from
my mother’s perfume. Instead I smelt freedom. I was even lucky enough to have a
few minutes before fire fighters came and watch it burn.
-SKY May 18, 2001
I decided that we won’t be staying here any longer. This psychiatric Unit bores me to death, literally. I wish I BURNED IN THAT FIRE TOO.
-Fae April 4th, 2002
“Don’t say that Fae”
“Sky it’s time for greater things, we can’t stay here any longer.”
“So what now? Where are we going to go?”
“None of that matter sweetie.”
“But you won’t leave me right?”
“Of course not, you must not think like that my beautiful Sky. I will never leave you. I am not Nora or Seth, I will do whatever it takes protect us and keep you safe. I love you. You will never be alone again.”
End of Journal Entries
The night of May 10th a total of three floors completely burned to the ground as the rest of the apartment building eventually collapsed. Along with murdering her mother, Sky was charged with manslaughter of fourteen residents who burned alive.
After writing what was
her last diary entry on April 4th 2002, “Sky” birth name Stella Odiel hung herself
at Creek Town’s psychiatric Unit. It is said that Fae, a mother figure formed
from Stella’s personality disorder drove her to the edge of insanity.
All that remains of Stella is the diary she left behind.