Messy

My Mind Pain Jess Sarah

She's such a freak. Why has she done this to herself?

Why does nobody understand? I am so lonely, it is ruining my life.

She just sits there.

They don't understand what has happened to me. If I told them, no-one would believe me.

She never used to be like this. She would laugh and join in, the life and soul of the party. Now it's like she is dead inside.

It used to be great, everything was great. I had a boyfriend, friends, and good grades, everything that I could dream of. But now they have ruined me.

No-one knows. She stopped talking.

I couldn't talk to anybody. No-one was there who would understand, who would listen and not judge.

I feel guilty that I can't do anything. She just locked herself away. I could've stopped this, I should've stopped this. But I didn't…

My parents would be ashamed. Every day I wake up hating myself, unable to change the past and the way that I am.

The guilt is eating me alive. The flames. They took her away that night. They said that she was mad but it was just a joke.

I used to love fire, it made me think of warmth and happiness, but now…

He was my boyfriend, not hers. I didn't know that there were people in the house.

If only they had gone out that night, they were going to, but they stayed in to help me. Now they are gone. Gone forever!

I'll never forget the screams.

I wish, I wish… Why me?

They pulled her out of the house. She was alone. I told them that I was a friend, a friend who came to visit.

I didn't understand what was happening.

Where were her parents?

Gone. Gone forever.

Every night, I wish that I will wake up as someone else.

Every night, I hope that I will understand why. Why me? What did I do? Why did my parents stay? Why didn't they just go out?

All I can do is sit and think; remembering the horror and the pain. The night that changed me forever, the night when I ruined so many lives.

They tried everything. Counselling, relaxation sessions, exercise, medication and a whole load of other stupid therapies. Nothing worked. I just longed for the feeling of numbness, the dead feeling that made everything ok. I just wanted to get on with my life, but they wouldn't let me. I wanted to just carry on and act like nothing had ever happened… but it had to change. Circumstances change, so my life changed, so much so that I ended up here…

I live in regret and wish that I could make up for all of the painful crap that I caused. I know that it will never happen. When I used to strive for perfection and happiness, I now try to do at least one good thing each day. If I do enough, maybe I can begin to make up for some of my bad choices on that night.

(Jump to present)

She used to visit a lot, but then she just didn't come, I haven't seen her for 3 years.

I couldn't bear it, to see her sat there, with guards by all the doors and in all 4 corners. Also the way that her leg was attached to the chair. Such an empty room of pain and suffering, I just couldn't do it. After everything, I struggled to see her like that without having the temptation to free her and to remain there myself. This was not an option but it was what I wanted, so so much. I had to stop going, before I did something stupid. It's been a long time, but I can't bring myself to try again. I think that she misses me, but I hate what I did to her and her family. It's something that I don't think that I will ever be able to get over.

I want to see her, we need to talk. But she just won't come. I want to know why she won't come and why she always had such a guilty look on her face.

So now I sit in my big white room because no-one else cares and wants to help me. It's useless, I'm useless, and my life is just wasting away… I might as well be dead.

There's no point trying to go and see her. I won't manage it, it's been too long and now it's all too late. Unless I go to the police, give myself up. I have been in hiding for the last 2 and a half years… I don't know how much more I can take.

I just want to know and understand. The only things that I know from that night are that my parents stayed in to help me because some of the lights weren't working properly. I had been using a few candles, but they weren't enough to set a house on fire, were they? I don't know what I did wrong. She must be unable to forgive me for what I did to my parents. But what did I do? I don't know and understand anymore. No-one will tell me because they say that I already know, but I don't…

I don't know what I'm supposed to have done. If I don't find out soon, there is no point in me still being alive.

I can't do this anymore; there is no point in me still being here, hiding, in the darkness. Getting nowhere. It's time for me to face the consequences for what I did; she can't take the blame anymore. I have to face it, it was all me. I think that she has begun to blame herself, which is why I can't live this lie anymore. It's just not fair. But then, life's not fair. I must do something, before it gets too much more out of hand…

I tried yesterday, but they stopped me. When will they realise that there is nothing wrong? That I just want to be free? That I want to see my parents? I don't want to be here anymore, my big white room is filled with pain and suffering that I want to be free from. I'll try again and again, until I get what I want and when I do, no-one will be able to stop me. I give on my life; I have no reason left to live. The world would be a much better place if I wasn't here. Maybe then she would be happy too…

The walk was one of the best that I have had for a long time. The idea that I was going to come clean and to tell the truth was a BIG comfort. It lasted for a long time but I knew that it would be my last walk like this. The burden that I have carried for about 3 years and a half years was about to be lifted. However, I may be freed from the burden, but the punishment would be what I was left to carry. But now was right. The time was right for me to tell the truth and for my friend to be set free from her cruel room of pain. It wasn't right for her, its mine. I'm the one with problems, I'm the one who should be locked up, and I'm the one who should've checked if anyone was in the house that night. I didn't even want to hurt her, just to see how she felt to have something you love taken from you so cruelly. In a way that you have no control over.

I was wrong. The pain that I caused on that night was too much, it was wrong and nothing has been right since. I ruined her life. Her home, her parents, her belongings, her memories, her life. I hate myself for it and I know that by talking to the police, my life will get worse. However, I am confident that her life will get better, especially when she knows for sure that she did nothing wrong that night. That she didn't set the house on fire, that she didn't kill her parents, that she didn't wreck her life. It was me, all me…

Room of pain and bad memories is now gone. I am in a padded white room where my arms are tied together and with a drip in my arm. I no longer have to do anything for myself, except breathe, which just happens anyway. I can barely move I get no exercise; I just lie on my bed. I don't do anything anymore. "Welcome to limbo-land". Painful and slow; I have no sense of time anymore. Day, night, it's all one. There's nothing I can do, I just want to see her. I want to know what happened, before this all gets too much. Before I rip the drip out and give up on my life. Please Sarah, please…

I feel so much better but also so much worse. The bare walls of the prison cell help but the idea that I'm not allowed to tell her myself. It hurts, so much. However she has to know and I have to face my punishment. Before her life gets any worse. I am so sorry Jess, I am so sorry. My life is wrecked and I have ruined yours. I just hope that you will be able to forgive me for what I have done. Maybe. Some day…

They want to see me; they want to talk to me. I don't know why. I gave up on my life a long time ago. I am wondering why…

(Later)

OMG! The shock, the pain, the relief. I didn't kill my parents. I didn't start the fire. I didn't wreck everything. Sarah did. I want to know why. Why set the house on fire? Why cause so much pain and destruction? Why leave me here? Why let me destroy myself and let me believe that it was all my fault? What did I do? I want to talk to her and find out. Just as soon as I get out of this place, somehow, even if I am in a wheelchair, with the drip in my arm. I don't care! I want to know what and why, and soon!

I am sorry. Jess I didn't mean for things to get so out of hand. I just hope that she is happy that I managed to come clean and tell the truth… the regret is eating me alive so much.

End of the week is when I can see her. But she will be in a strait jacket and I will be in my wheelchair. If anything seems to get out of hand, I will be removed from the room and Sarah will be sedated. I hope that it doesn't come to that stage, but it would be easier than the awkward goodbyes and the thought of seeing her next in the courtroom… I hope that it doesn't come to that.

New room, new rules, new routine. A big white room like the one that Jess had. Rules that state when I am allowed to exercise, what bonds/cuffs I have to wear and everything to do with food and meal times. A routine that doesn't just let me do things when I want to, a routine that outlines everything in my day. From getting up, eating, using the bathroom, for whatever reason. That's just the way that it is and how I have caused it to be.

They say that I have until Thursday, when I am seeing Jess, to sort myself out, to prepare myself to talk and to have a way to manage my anger. It's hard, but it's what I have to do…

I just can't believe how weak she has become. A drip for water and food and a wheelchair to get around. They told me that she was suicidal until she heard that I had made my confession. I have a bad feeling about Thursday; somehow things aren't going to go as well as I was initially hoping that they would… but I will just have to wait and see…

It's Wednesday now and I'm just thinking about tomorrow. I need to stay calm but at the same time it will be hard for me not to just have a go at her. I don't want to, but then she did keep a secret from me for over 3 years. I guess that the guilt got too much for her. I just want to know why she f*ed up my life and saying that it was an accident is not good enough. I refuse to be satisfied with that old excuse; I need a proper valid reason. After that I can decide how far I want to press charges against her…

Waiting. Just waiting. Tomorrow will be my first judgement day, if it goes ok, I have nothing to fear. If it goes bad, I'm completely f*ed…

I have seen her. I still feel sick after everything that she told me. She disgusts me. My parent, Keith and Rachel Matthews are dead, because of her jealousy and over-reactions. You bitch Sarah, you f*ing bitch! I hate you so much!

I got annoyed the moment that I saw her, I tried to calm down; my anger bubbled until I was boiling with rage. But I couldn't do anything. My months of self-harm, not eating properly and suicide attempts. I have no strength. As I wanted to slap her, my arm just fell into my lap. There is nothing that I can do properly anymore and it is all her fault!

I waited for it; I knew what she wanted to do to me. I wanted to let her but she couldn't. Her arm just twitched, went up a bit and smacked back down again. Her anger and frustration flared, but she was just helpless… it's all my fault.

Then she just began screaming at me. "How could you? Why did you do it? Do you hate me? Were you jealous of my parents? ..." just screaming. Until she broke down and totally lost it.

I had done this to her, how had it all gotten so out-of-hand? My reasons seemed so petty and pathetic that I didn't say anything at all…

(Later)

After she left, they told me that they were going to play the arrest tape to her. I just accepted it, I couldn't do anything else. She was so tired and they thought that it may have been too much, too soon for her. But she did insist on seeing me as soon as she could. The urgency showed how determined she was to find out the truth about what happened that night, but from me. She wanted hear it from me. Well I f*ed that up, just by being there… I always f everything up.

Jess I love you and I wish and I wish that I had never done this, but what's done is done… I have to move on.

You were like a sister to me, always there, always supportive and just amazing. I f*ed all that up. I ruined it all. My jealousy ruined everything. Our lives will never be the same again, together. This is why I want you to move on, to love your life. I will go to prison and die there. I am not worthy of the right to live anymore, I deserve pain leading up to a slow and painful death. I wish you a happy life for the future. Love Sarah xxx

I'm sorry for getting angry. I'm sorry for being a bad friend. I'm sorry to all of the psychiatrists and nurse who have worked with me, for so long. I'm sorry mum, dad, it's still partly my fault that you are dead. I feel so bad. The regret, it's taken me over. I don't know what to do. I can't do much. I could kill the pain… Jess xxx

And the light goes out…

She's not here anymore. I don't understand why not. I confessed, I told the truth. What more could I do? I wanted my confession to be her strength. But it didn't work and now she's gone…

I just made life worse for both of us.

Prison for me and grave for you,

There is nothing more that I can do,

So just for you,

It's here I go,

To pay for all that I do,

To rot and rot,

Along with you.

It's the same but it's not.

Sarah xxx

2 months later:

Sarah was charged with deliberate manslaughter and the intent to kill. She was sentenced to 30 years imprisonment, 17 years of which she must serve. She was 24 years old by the time she was put on trial.

Jess' gravestone bore the poem that Sarah wrote to her; no other family members were around to change this. The horror and the pain will never be forgotten by Sarah, their close friends and everyone else in their community.

The last two letters that Sarah sent to Jess arrived 3 days after she killed herself. Sarah always blamed herself for what Jess did to herself, because ultimately, it was her own fault.