I feel silly about this because it did not occur to me it made me fail it did not make me better it maddens me to think I was someone not involved in my own life that my life was lacking in knowledge, how does it impact on me? Well obviously, there is something the matter with me learning difficulties otherwise it is mere abuse which affects intellectual growth. Because being abused means our intellectual development is hampered. One is like a horse tethered and does not see anything but a narrow range which the abuser means her to see.
I remember this as if the thing to be is to remember. What did it do to me to my world is I became so stupid thought Tolkien was a historian not an author of stories but a historian? I am not silly when I say that the cringe of embarrassment when failed to enter a college because of that. “Westminster college can’t deal with lack of grammar and stupidity. Combined they leave me us not amused at all and her mathematics is appalling.” Well it was just as bad to be sad a character in her twenties not being able to do such a thing when the rest of the world was doing the jumps in all the right places.
No hope for such a candidate? I did not mean to be sad and in such a mean way did not want to study any more the constant rejections were such a thing what was wrong with Tolkien being a historian and not an author and there was no one to answer such a question. No one at all I was alone there was nobody to turn to nobody to share my folly when one is not into thinking nothing but the sadness within and nobody can say why it is a failure that person can become more withdrawn and more vulnerable. Sad is it not?
My parents love me I said it out they love me to such a degree that they offer me all that love for free. I am responding now I am giving to them what they gave to me.
In my bedroom nothing happens for many years but the I plot. The tales which said nothing at all and then told nothing for many years. I walk alone I think there is no pain. Then forgotten just disappointment to all. There was not much left to feel or fear but this forgetfulness. I wanted to ask did you forget me? This bizarre strange world where nothing matters but to feel and nothing is what one wants.
“Tolkien is he a historian or not?”
“Yes, he is sir.”
“There it is she has no aptitude.”
“It is ridiculous.”
But the thinkers in the hall did not even want to know and the embarrassments grew until I was a total reject.
“Rejected and reject and more of the rejections and the glamour of being such a jerk wore off there is nothing but this fiend trying to be one of us. And she is such a fool.” said my rival and she shuddered as if I was a fly.