Back in London they said as they did not want me to hear there was not much left for me. I did not want them to think of me as the listener. I did not need to be so tight with money they told me so many times.
Many fools in this world as mother would say and many empty people as if that explained it. Empty hearts and manifold minds which grabbed and grabbed nothing but the thinking which said nothing more than being insane with greed. We are greedy for punishment as well what we did not want to know. I closed my mind all I needed was rest.
So, having this holiday mood everything was lost to me. I did not want the things which said special and more of the same.
“What is so useful for the foolish things which we do?” auntie said things like that she had been somewhat inside the house too long. I have been around the Greek side and they speak to me they seem to like us now. Said auntie. I did not know that they could mingle with each other? When I went, they had road blocks come on and we were only going to the Turkish side with British passports.
“That is only you.” They just smiled at each other.
What was their secret there is something leaving me there did not appear to be anything difficult to see somehow, they would try to hook me with someone? I could not see which one of the sons was free so did not even want to make the right choice what right did they have to think my proper station was in that kitchen?
England had taught me not to scream or shout.
“This is your room with the grandchildren we are full this year and this is one of you three sharing. I hope it is alright?”
“Fine we can all chat.” I said.
I had to be in there indoors had been homeless and the family did think of me somehow destitute and odd. I did mind back then? Yes of course I minded mind the gap and all that but who cared the thing was somehow I asked for company did not want to be alone.
You see that woman is alone is a thought so forbidding that I forbid anyone to say so. That woman is alone and there it was me. Explained.
The windswept things which we call the foliage and the willow and the rains which do not come. Where did it come and we go? That the cousins were some sort of a sorry fools who paraded their women as if trophies and then let them go. That the older men and the women were alike too. We wished sisters and I that we were dead and gone because the weather did not beam at us at all. They did not smile they did not make the thinking inside me. My sisters did have it better easier even and they had joined a gang of some sorry thought, they had jobs and prospects and then we wept to see that nothing I did made them happy. So, in order to take my mind of this sorrow went alone to Cyprus to make myself less felt. I wanted to be invisible so that there was not much to see but this invisible being. I went and did nothing odd at first even felt at home in Uncles house with auntie and their grandchildren was very subdued and quiet. The thing was doing not even say unspeakable things did not play my usual pranks and did not criticise at all. I was good all the time.