“This is a patchy work why work so long on something that is not right in the head? Why do psychologist do the same it is what we women do it is what good people do it is what makes sense out of living.”
I went to the travel agents and got some brochures the photos are so inviting with the trees and the sun I was so nostalgic. I thought I could enter the picture and save some money but no had to go and try the damn holiday as well. Should have stayed in drizzly London and made the best of the house. A little DIY would have done me better.
I was going on a spec on holiday because mother wanted me out of the house which she said she wanted with her husband. I was in their way of a romance and they being elderly wanted time within their home to do with it as they pleased.
I was too much in the way in a manner of speaking the things she had to put up with was far worse did not like me that was it. I was a misery and she wanted company who smiled and laughed I tried and went to the next room and stayed out of her sight.
I am only saying which one of these men is she with the neighbours do not notice and everyone thinks the men come for me. I mean might get a reputation.
“As a fishwife?”
“No never was I involved in a girl fight. Fright night of course where mother thought my brain would be more useful as a meal.”
“Your dining out today I thought no more the cleaning and the cooking.”
The mother did not care as long as food on the table where she lived her not house proud. Her one joke in life was to spend her money on holidays and the little television where she would watch movies all day about motherhood. I thought she was learning her lessons and what the television did and said she copied.
She looked after her husband as he had cancer and she did all the washing hated work still does. She did not think I was pulling my weight about and if she had some other girl from the family who would work, she could put her foot up.
Some go on holiday for the roller coaster and to spend time with each other in some trivial pursuits such as swimming and doing the disco. I was nothing of that kind. My kind of holiday was sorted by the time I was twenty-seven it had to be within the confines of the family.
Myself taking the family aside and made them my ownership which said my being poor meant nothing my being herself who had been somewhat bad in the past wearing out my clothes the moment I was in them and saying and speaking against my dad was wrong. I was a somehow this clumsy woman without much time for money. Ties were the family they were the only ties encouraged the rest dad would come and forcibly remove.
Irrational fears settled into me that my being this woman who was constantly being shoved into some unnatural being and then made me sad to think my life not worth living. Dad the cause of my isolation because he a man who was a mad man and still is.
I am certain he sat in that chair thinking still on what to do about me. As if the circulating thugs do not only matter but mean the things a disaster. A girl is a vagina. Straight to the arrow and throw the dirt in. I am thinking it does not matter anymore what side it is winning because the side which I am on is the one without father.
You must always be beside the mum and make her comfortable and ably assist her because we owe her that. Mother a mother who abused me? Just cause the cost of bringing you up must have been manifold. It was most of it made off by you. I am a sinner it is not much to ask from a dad to be made much of.
“So, the dinner money went to him?”
“Yes, myself feel ashamed of it too.”
Into my side and making myself seem an aid to my mother. Anything less was considered bad for me and that I was always to be good.
“I idolise my children they are my life the way for me the thing for me the only thing which makes life worth it.”
“My daughters have the right education and they are bright things and they should be educated and well beloved.”
All of the sides which dad has now have the right words to make me feel smarter than anyone because girls should now be educated before they had to be forked off to the best thug in the land.
Now the girls can become thugs themselves and earn their pennies too.
“That is not right surely?”
“Think about it?”
“Well we are not thugs.”