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Therefore Dead Inside

By anakarolin All Rights Reserved ©

Other / Mystery

Dark Clouds

Why am I here? I hate it here. It is just a waste of time. I am not even learning anything. Is it because Lili is here? It is nice to know you got friends. It makes it easier not to do it. Makes it easier not to jump, not to pull the trigger, not to swallow, not to… not to…

“Iris! Maybe if you spent less time destroying the desk you could be a little smarter”

I looked at my desk and noticed that I had been peeling off the paint without noticing. The giggles of my classmates drilled my ears. I wasn’t stupid, I just did not care. Everyone thought I was a stupid, lazy girl with a bad attitude. I always said I didn’t care what the others thought, and I didn’t, but, to be left out so much, it slowly corroded my strength. After 15 years of the same thing, I started to crumble.

When the bell rang I was the last one to leave. But I wasn’t alone.

“Hey Oreo”

The black and white cat strolled through the classroom. After his inspection routine, Oreo finally approached me. I petted him. He licked my hand. Oreo always came when class was over. Every time I cried or felt lonely, he was there for me. Oreo never betrayed me, he was my best friend.

“Oreo, you won’t believe what happened today. The teacher practically called me stupid and everyone laughed.”

While I was still talking the door opened. A familiar face entered the room with a serious expression.

“Hey girl, who are you talking to?”

The way Lili’s demeanor changed so quickly always amazed me. She entered the room with the face of serial killer and then she looked at me with a goofy face. That was one of the things that always intrigued me about her. It kept the friendship interesting.

“I’m talking to Oreo”

Her face changed just a bit this time. It became one of pity. She always does that when I mention Oreo. It is because she can’t see him.

“No waaay!”

Lili always reacted as if the world was going to end when I told her stuff. It didn’t bother me, but sometimes she yelled so loudly everyone stared at us. But as long as she listened to me I didn’t mind. She had very good advice.

“Maybe you should try to pay attention to class…”

“Shut up.”

I never listened though.

“How do you want thing to change if you don’t change yourself?”

“I don’t remember you becoming Gandhi.”

Lili snorted and swallowed her whole donut at once. That girl, she always ate as a pig and never gained a gram. She was pretty smart as well, even so, no one seemed interested in her. Sometimes I feared it was my fault, but Lili always blamed it to her eating habits.

“By the way Iris, how many days?”

She never mentioned the word, it was as if she was scared of it. Self-harm. It is an ugly word, I understand it, but it had become so usual to me it had lost any impact.


“What on Earth? Why?”

I shrugged my shoulders. It didn’t mean "I don’t know", the years had changed its meaning to "I felt numb and I wanted to check if I was alive". A long silence followed, not an awkward one. There was no space for awkwardness in our friendship. Memories, secrets, tears, and what more left no space for something as useless as awkwardness.

The second bell rang, we were to return to class. We picked our stuff and started walking. I raised my sight and saw how dark clouds came our way. It will rain soon… I loved rain. It was my favorite way to hide my tears.

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