A Million Times

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12.0 | E P H E M E R A L

listen closely when eyes speak.


Xavier walked over to us like a storm while I sat there in silence knowing I couldn’t possibly stop him, wondering if anyone can stop him from destruction. The food was just placed on your table by the waiter when he pulled the table cloth and snatched it off the table. The dishes went flying to the ground, the glasses were shattered to pieces and I just sat there watching the train wreck. My heart was beating at an abnormal rate and I could feel myself panicking.

Lion was much quicker to react to his violent act and pushed him away from our table. I realized that Lion’s hand was on top of mine over the table. Xavier was here from the beginning.

“You! Son of a bitch. How dare you touch her?”

Xavier punched him in the face and Lion did nothing in retaliation. He was trying to be the voice of reason among the two of them.

I used to think that any guy who was willing to fight for me with the world must be worth it. But it is all bullshit. I don’t need a guy like him who is unpredictable, who couldn’t see reason and wouldn’t trust me even when I tell him to.

“Hit me one more time and then you would be bleeding more than you did that night.”

Lion smirked at him but it made Xavier stop midway. He was goading him and enjoying it too. He looked at me and must have seen the horror on my face. Before he could say anything, I was grabbing my purse and running out of the restaurant away from him, away from my feelings for him and away from all the things that were terrifying me to my bones.

“Where are you going? Do you want to get chased by those men again like the first time we met?”

He grabbed my arm to stop me from running away any further and whirled me around to face him. I pushed his hold off me and he jerked back clearly noticing how I wanted to be anywhere but here with him. I saw Lion not far behind from where we were standing. He kept his distance and that’s was the only thing I was grateful to tonight.

“No, I don’t. I don’t wish that on anyone. I wish that day never happened. I wish I never laid my eyes on you.”

The day I met him is strongly engraved in my memories because that day I realized the fear of never seeing tomorrow was greater than anything else. He gave me back my tomorrow and I will be forever thankful to him. But I wished he had just done that. He made me feel special like no one has ever done before. He showed me stars and gave me warmth which makes it harder to believe that he nothing but a cold-hearted killer.

“Why are you freaking out? What did he tell you? Did he tell you I was a drug addict or how I am a murderer?”

He gripped my arm and pulled me against his chest. I looked up in his terrified eyes and I guess I was not the only one who was freaking out right now. There was a crazy glint in his eyes which made me take a few steps away from him. I don’t know him anymore. I don’t know what else he is hiding from me.

“I asked you about Rose. You reacted as if you have seen a ghost. Something makes me think she was the ghost of a girl you killed.”

“STOP IT.”

He shouted at me and punched the wall beside him. He kept punching it until his knuckles cracked and the blood was pouring out of it. I gasped in horror stopping him from hurting himself. I looked in his eyes closely and realized that he was drunk. They say drunk words are sober thoughts straight from the heart and I wanted answers.

“Then tell me you didn’t kill your stepsister. Tell me they all are lying. Tell me you are not a drug addict. Tell me you are not a violent person because right now it’s hard to believe you over people. I want to believe you. Please, give me a reason.”

I begged him with my eyes that were tearing up a little at the sight of his misery. How did we get here from being completely perfect to strangers with dark secrets? I knew it was all good to be true.

“It’s all true. I have killed. I am a drug addict. I am violent to the extent that I could crush someone’s life in my rage. But you already know that don’t you? Because you believe the whispers just like everyone else. You don’t understand anything. Fuck this, I’m done.”

He was already walking away from me. Oh, how the tables have turned, a minute ago I was running away from him and now I don’t want to leave him alone. Before I was the one running away from us but now he is the one who is abandoning me now and no matter what I do I couldn’t get away from feeling this way. Why am I always the last one standing?

“That’s it. You are going to let me believe them. You don’t care enough to explain yourself to me. You don’t care enough to tell me the truth. You are going to walk away like a coward.”

The last word was not meant for him but for someone who has burned me a long time ago. It struck a nerve though as he turned around and walked over to me until he was hovering over me with repressed anger.

“You know what I fucking don’t. I never had. You were just going to be a meaningless screw but you are not worth the chase anymore. You want to go back and continue your little dinner date then go ahead I don’t give a shit. If you have any self-respect, then you would no longer bother me too.”

He walked away without a look. He drove away without considering dropping me off home first and that’s when I realized either his fears were bigger than I thought or he just didn’t have the guts to admit the truth.


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