Failed. I've failed. I've always been a failure. All my life I've lost each and every person I've ever loved, she cried.
You're nothing but a failure. You'd promised me, Bella. You promised me you'll keep them safe! You promised me you'll keep harm miles away from them. I trusted you, Bella. You were supposed to look after them! You were their godmother. They're just kids. How are you gonna live with this? You were supposed to save them!
She wailed while perspiring and struggling with her breathing.
You killed them, Bella. You killed them! You couldn't save them! You're a killer Bella! What they say about you is true. You're nothing but a heartless killer. A murderer. You killed my children, Bella. I'll never forgive you! You killed them...!
"No, please stop! I didn't kill them. I'd never do something like that. I loved them, I did, and I was their mother too!" She whimpered.
You killed them Bella....
"No I didn't kill them, please don't say that, I tried to save them, I tried, I did everything to keep them from harm's way, I didn't kill them!" She screamed expletives and raked her hands all over her body.
Yes you did..
"No, no, I didn't, please forgive me, please, I didn't kill them. Please don't say that!"
Yes you did, you killed them Bells. You killed them..
You killed ....
"STOPPPPPP IT....!!" She yelled, waking up with a sudden jolt. Breathing rapidly she wiped the sweat off her forehead and covered her face with her palms. The ache crept in slowly and she could not bear the pain. Wrenched in by these daily nightmares, she shut her eyes tight to calm herself.
This had become her routine now. Everyday she'd wake up with the same voices blaming her, ringing in her ears. Screaming at her, in her mind and reminding her of her failure and her mistakes. Mistakes she wasn't supposed to commit. Mistake was never a word in her dictionary until that day. That day was the worst day of her life. That day, she vowed she'd never forgive herself, in fact she doesn't deserve to be forgiven. She deserves pain. Hell, she deserves fucking worse than pain. She's the reason they're dead. Those two angels she can't stop thinking about all the time, their beautiful and angelic faces she'll keep reminiscing even on her deathbed. She's the reason they suffered. She'd failed to keep her promises.
Everyday, she keeps fighting with her inner demons when they yell at her for what she did and that she deserves to die. But she knew dying would be a simple punishment for her. Death won't bring her any peace.
Infact living, surviving everyday and fighting these demons and many sleepless nights with these nightmares was a reminder of her deeds. And she knew this was her punishment. She isn't supposed to die a painless death. No, she deserved every single bit of pain and horrid death for what she'd done. She can never move on. She never will. And so she'll do everything that will give her pain in every possible way, because that's her path of redemption. Only then the expiation will be achieved. She's to suffer far worse for what she did and the worst was, she was ready for it willingly.
With these thoughts, she knew she wouldn't be able to focus today. And if she kept this painful face, he'll find out she's punishing herself again and will start chastising her all over.
No matter what mask she'd put on, one look, just a single look and he'd read her like a magazine. And today she can't afford that. After such a long break, she was ready for her new mission. She knew she was ready, ready to die, ready to kill and ready to get killed. But this was a long mission and the most serious one she'd ever worked for, was told to her. She knew if all her team was called and he himself had requested her to come, then this must really be a matter of emergency for him.
She stood up with a groan, stretching her body. Vacations are over sweetheart, she thought to herself. Quickly after her morning ritual, she fixed herself a breakfast - scrambled eggs, orange juice and an apple. She had a habit of having her breakfast first and then getting ready. After her breakfast, she hurried off to get ready.
It was about time the world needed her. Wearing black jeans, boots with block heels, black t-shirt and a leather jacket, with her exceptionally long her properly set into a French braid and as she was a no make up fan, she applied just a tinge of lip balm and boom- the lioness was ready for her new mission and to enter the world again.