How could a bachelor who claimed to have no interest in getting married be interested in coming to a home where there are children? It did not make sense to me, it should not be happening, but it did, and happened not in a stranger’s home, but mine. I noticed that Wack became more interested in my home as my kids grew, and was visiting more often than he did before. Why it was happening, was the question I asked myself one evening I returned home from work, Stefi having gone shopping with the kids, and I was therefore home alone, in the bedroom, lying on the bed and thinking about it. You read so much meaning into meaningless and harmless things, Jan. These were words that were in my mind in response to the question I had asked. Irrelevant things are what take so much of your time and that is why you’re a troubled man in so many ways. These were another set of words that barged into my mind. My mind remained active and told me different sorts of things on why I should read no more meaning into Wack’s constant visitations. I was about to shut down thoughts in my head regarding the matter when the familiar strange in my life arrived.
Stop wasting your time thinking about things you can’t control. The voice spoke to me. The words were loud and clear as if there was another human being in the room with me that had said them.
“There you go again,” I responded, a little bit annoyed. “My frustration with you is that you have never made sense with any of the things you come saying to me.”
What will be will be and there is nothing you can do about it. Whatever is happening is good for you and good for us.
“Let me make it clear to you,” I said firmly. “There is no us, okay. So take your love obsession to someone else who needs it. I am happily married and fine with that.”
You can’t be happily married now. That’s not possible. Are you that blind that you can’t see the signs set up for you all over the place?
“Just go away,” I said. “You’re part of my problem. Just go away. Go to hell and stop coming to talk to me.”
Who else can I go to? No one else. You must know how it has been made to be for you to find love and peace. I am you and you are me. Not even you can run away from your shadow.
“You don’t exist,” I spoke back.
Yes, I do.
“You’re nothing, you’re nowhere, you don’t exist.”
I do exist for you and only you.
“All you have is a voice that says all sorts of nonsense to me. You’re a fool, you’re nothing, you’re nasty and you’re so disgusting to be around me.”
I will never be angry with you if that’s your plan.
I was shocked to learn the Voice knew exactly what my plan was. I was out to be mean and nasty in such a way that it would get mad at me and leave and never come back. Who was I fooling? There was no indication the Voice was ever willing to do that.
“Why?” I asked. The answer I got even made me so frustrated that all I wanted to do was to get up and kick the ass of whoever it was that owned the Voice that would not leave me alone.
I’m your love, where you belong, your happiness, your future and all you will ever need.
“How can I belong to you when all I hear is a voice that belongs to some trash-talking person I can’t even hug and kiss?”
There will be plenty of time for that when the time comes.
“When the time comes? What time?”
When we get to be together. That’s your future. Our future.
“You need to listen to yourself,” I spoke back. “You need to hear how you sound so out of touch with reality.”
Reality is what we make it. Our reality is set in stone and only waiting for its time.
“Get away from me,” I urged the Voice. “Vanish forever!”
But unfortunately I can’t. Not without you.
“You make me sick,” I screamed, having got so sick of having the Voice around. “Go away…”
I’m still waiting for you. That’s what I still do for now. Waiting for you.
Then I knew the voice was gone. I always knew when it was around and when it was gone. And how I knew, I cannot quite explain. I could hear the door in our living room open, and did not need to be told it was Stefi and the kids who had returned. I went out to meet them.
“Hello,” I said to Stefi, Jammy, Hadley and Dick with a broad smile on my face.
“Hello,” Stefi spoke back. I wanted a hug from her, but got none. Her hands held shopping bags full of her purchases, mainly kid stuffs. She walked past me like I was not even there. Then I turned my attention to my kids again.
“Come say hi to Dad,” I said to them. I opened my arms and stooped a little, and within seconds my children were in my arms. I was so happy to have them there, dreaming of adding more brothers and sisters to them. I went ahead to plant gentle kisses on their cheeks, unaware of what lay ahead and was ready to give me a shock.
“Dad,” Jammy said to me. “We saw Dad,” he further said to me.
“We saw Dad,” Hadley said as well. “He bought ice cream for me,” she went ahead to say as her face beamed smiles.
“We saw Dad,” Dick also said.
It sounded odd that my kids had to say that when they could see me in flesh and blood. I overlooked it. They were kids after all, I thought. So let kids be kids, I said to myself, brushing it off my mind. Oh! I was only fooling myself and had only pretended to be not bothered by it afterwards. The truth was that somewhere in my mind, as I lay beside Stefi in our bedroom that night, sleep having distanced itself from my eyes, questions about whom my kids could be calling Dad, hovered like a hawk bracing to target some chicks. My mind was the chicks, the haunted. I took a look at Stefi who had been long asleep, my mind filled with a question I wanted her to answer. It did not make sense that I wake her up, so I thought. I let her sleep on. Still I could not sleep. And the night was a long harrowing one for me.