Get Free Copy

100 free copies left

This novel is limited to 100 free copies due to its part in Inkitt’s Novel Contest.

0
Free copy left
You can read our best books
judymoodypeterpiper would love your feedback! Got a few minutes to write a review?
Write a Review

santa klaus is coming

By judymoodypeterpiper All Rights Reserved ©

Humor / Mystery

Chapter 1

He woke up with blood on his hands, body in the sewers, and the smell of manure suffocating. He could remember her screaming like a banshee in his arms. And the colour red spilling everywhere, bathing them in that cursed liquid. The sun set, and she---

No.  He would find her again.

Even if his older brother Adolf Hitler would not let him.

The red would haunt him forever---the color of blood, of Santa Klaus, of his own red and black armband.

Yet her colour was yellow---the colour of the children playing, the elated sun, and the star which she proudly wore.

He would rise from the sewers later that evening, the colors of a phoenix etched onto his heart and the world around him as it drowned in the fires of rebirth; and he burned, burned, and burned.

And he solemnly swore from that point on, he would find the Allies, and forever commit himself to them-in her memory. But first, he had to find his brother and seek his betrothed status, whether dead or alive. And why the hell he was in the sewers in the first place.


He confronted Adolf and his damned mustache a year later. It had seemed he hadn’t just landed in any regular German sewer-no, he woke up dumped in Peru. So he hijacked a plane, grew a mustache, and landed in Berlin a year later because it takes that long to learn how to fly a damn plane.

“And what brings a hobo to my grand, ruling palace?” his brother said by greeting, not recognizing his younger sibling. “Such a fake mustache by the way.”

“And I suppose yours is any better, Adolf?” he replied, fuming as he snorted his mustache.

Adolf blinked. “I recognize that voice. No-it couldn’t be. I made sure he was dead. Who are you?”

“Yes! It is I, your younger brother, S. Klaus!!!!!!”

“Santa?” Adolf exclaimed incredulously.

“Rearrange those letters and you’ll get Satan.” Santa roared, pulling out a knife. “Where is my wife, Mrs. Klaus?  Did you kill her?”

Adolf gave Santa a vile smile. “Did you prefer her to die in your arms, with a plate of cookies near you?”

“No, I’d prefer her with the cookies and milk.”

Adolf rolled his eyes. “You are an unexpected variable, Santa. I told everyone you died.”

Santa moved the knife forward. “Bah-humbug. I am sure all the children are thrilled.”

He twirled the weapon in his fingers.  “I had the elves make this one.  Don’t you like it?  So much blood---better than your horrendous gas chambers.  Where’s the fun in that?”

Adolf smiled. “Then you’ll be pleased she didn’t die in the gas chambers, then. Don’t you remember you killed her?”

“Nigga say what?” Santa rapped (or should I say, wrapped).”Your boy didn’t touch no one. In fact, I did my algebra-you killed her.”

“What kind of black algebra is that?” Adolf exclaimed in horror.  “You ordered her death because she wanted the elves to build gas chambers for naughty children.  Especially the Jewish ones.”

“But that nigga was Jewish!”

Adolf seemed deep in thought.  He stroked his mustache carefully.  “Actually, no.  At least I don’t think so.”

“So she was a liar?” Santa couldn’t fathom what just transpired. And he was very, very, very angry.  And when Santa is angry, he raps (or, again, wraps).

“I was coming to town, my nose like a hound, searching from naughty to nice, my beloved’s hair full of innocent lice. I was crazy for her and her star, but there were times I wanted her to get run over by a car, so times like that when I don’t wanna have another formula, I just do my algebra.”

“Santa, I know you know that I know that I killed your wife that I know but you don’t know is an actual Jew. Santa, what really brings you to town?”

It was Santa’s turn to stroke his mustache. “Well, I know you’ve been naughty, Adolf. So I have to light you up like a Christmas Tree.”

And that was when Adolf’s head suddenly blew up, blood splattering over Santa once again.

And that was how Adolf really died, it’s just that he was more naughty than nice. That year.

Write a Review Did you enjoy my story? Please let me know what you think by leaving a review! Thanks, judymoodypeterpiper
Continue Reading
Further Recommendations

Ruby0h: Overall I thought your story was really good! It drew me in right away and kept me interested as the story progressed. I loved the character of Kayla being inserted into this story, and the way she affected and shaped the life of the original story into something totally new and interesting. I lo...

Sabrina Lara: When i started reading this book i was so hooked in, i fell in love with story i really do hope this author writes more because she would make some hell of a story. This book has gotten the biggest thumbs up from me.

M. Drewery: I did think I would be reading just another Atlantis archaeological adventure story when I came across this book. However I think it's fresh and very different to other approaches to the same historical mystery. The first chapter drew me in brilliantly. I'm not great at spotting technical writing...

Mheka Saleh: Hey! I finished at chapter 37 and just wanna know if that's the end, anyways, i like ur story.. Hope this isn't the end yet. Cos WE WANT MORE!!! Please please please!! Continue it cos im so excited. Hopefully this isn't the END gosh. I will be so mad! Xoxoo!!

JanThompson: This book gives a beautiful description of a country which one rarely gets to see. The contrast between rich and poor is very evident too.The storyline actually sheds a compelling light on why women in certain countries sell themselves just to help their families or even to survive themselves. I ...

Jordan Young: *ALERT FOR POSSIBLE SPOILERS* Where to start? I don't know how to sum up this review, this story was absolutely sensational. Brilliant. Flawless. I loved every single bit of this story, it is truly amazing. I read this story in fifteen hours, it is magnificent. I loved everything about it, the p...

AASTHA SHARMA: really...one of the best novel i've ever read...a very touching story....really loved it...thanks for writing such a masterpeice...the struggle of the narrator but still remaining satisfied is the thing that i liked the most...another nice thing is the concept of talking with god...in short i wou...

alias: I loved the reason the two of them got together - it was different and very sweet! The pace of the story was good, the characters were well-drawn, and the plot was not overly complicated. There was some good humor, and Flinn's family was a hoot. There were a couple of doubled words, misspelled wo...

Deleted User: (A review in progress). I like this. It's sparse, gritty and atmospheric - reminiscent of the classic Golden Age of American detective fiction of the Thirties. I've only read the beginning, but I'll definitely be back. This writer knows their stuff and has done their homework on detective work. T...

More Recommendations

ianwatson: The comedy is original and genuinely funny, I have laughed out loud many times reading this book. But the story and the plot are also really engaging. The opening two or three chapters seem quite character-dense but they all soon come to life and there is no padding, filling or wasted time readin...

abygtan: Aside from the fact the book mentioned my bae percy this book is a whats-not-to-like kind of book I love the sass in this and the uniqueness it's just the type of book that keeps you crawling for more seriously I love this book go and check it out

CurlyRed: I read this entire book in just under 4 hours I COULD NOT PUT IT DOWN! i found myself emotionally attached to the characters and making personal connections that i had never experienced before while reading a book! I was constantly wanting to read more, every chapter left me on a cliff hanger tha...

Atractivo Sumit: The story is an amazing blend of what we call natural, plain romance along with subtle emotions and interesting twists. The plot is so beautifully interwoven.