Chapter 5 - Pablo's past
I walked outside, seeing the bullies standing under a tree. Considering my options, I can leave right now. However, will anything change? And I can’t risk my dog or sister getting hurt. Nothing will change if I don’t try.
“Ah, here you are.” Hamasaki came to me. I tried to punch him immediately; nevertheless, he stopped my fist and twisted the arm too quickly. I yelled in pain and surprise.
“Huh, so you thought you could beat us up, huh?!” Blonde smirked and kicked me in the stomach. I bent and fell on my knees, gasping in surprise. I’ve chosen death. I have no chance. Well, if they do kill me, at least there will be no more bullying.
Fujioka came closer now, kicking me on the ground. “Compared to us, you’re nothing, and you can never be anything because you simply suck. You’re a failure who can do nothing correct, see you can’t even fight back!”
I spat something on the ground, remembering how they already bullied me before, the terrible things I was forced to do. Drinking water from fountain, toilet, getting beaten up, I still have all these bruises, and I’m about to receive new ones.
I tried to stand up again, shakily, and when I almost stood, Redhead punched me in the face. I kicked him, as I spat out blood on the ground. My bully didn’t expect this, which I used to my advantage and punched him in the face too. Blonde pushed me to the ground and stepped on my leg. I gasped and yelped as continued to add pressure. “STOP! JUST –”
“We knew you can’t defend yourself. You should accept that you suck. You’ll never be a man. You’ll never be successful anywhere. I will be the most feared guy everywhere, while you,” Tomoya bent over and kneeled to face me. “my friend, will be picking up the trash and selling sandwiches. You’ll never have a girlfriend, you’ll never have friends. Because no one desires to be friends or date a loser.”
“Shut up; you were never my friend.” I panted my face and limb bleeding.
“Oh, we were friends. But you can never be like me. And I told you if you don’t join, we’ll no longer be friends. See? You’re too stupid to make friends yourselves!”
“Accept that you suck, and no matter how hard you’ll try, it won’t be enough. Because you can’t do anything, you a stupid, idiotic failure.”
He got up. “I think it’s enough for today.”
“Hmm, I think he’s able to take a bit more.” Hamasaki objected.
“We want him to last longer to have time for practicing. He’s the perfect candidate.”
“See you, Nakajima. Or should I say a worthless failure who can’t even stand up?”
I stayed silent, and he continued, “I thought so. You’re only a disappointment to your parents, I bet.”
I twitched, trying to get up; nonetheless, my leg didn’t allow me. I watched them leaving, hearing thunder. I gazed up, seeing the dark sky, and raindrops began falling. I got up in pain, groaning, and limping toward school. My clothes got drenched by the raindrops; at least the rain almost cleaned the blood.
I slammed the door to my room and fell into my bed. I felt the tears in my eyes and let them fall. My leg hurt, and I did not have enough energy to acquire bandages. I broke it badly in childhood, and now it hurt a lot, especially when the pressure was changing.
I sobbed quietly. Why my life? Why is it so miserable? I can’t acquire the girl I love, I can’t even date a girl, everyone avoids me, what do I wrong?! For my parents, I’m just air! They never notice! For the bullies, I’m just an object!
I sobbed louder, crying my heart out on the pillow. I wish I was someone else! I hate myself! Tomoya is right, hell, I suck, I can’t do anything correctly! I wish I were never born.
My gateway cracked and something tapped on the floor, moving closer to me. I did not hear through my sobbing. Something licked my hand and whined. It was my dog, Marshmallow. I got out of the bed, kneeled despite my hurting leg, and buried my head in the small dog’s fur, the tears drenching the dog’s fur. The dog licked off my tears. Marshmallow was a pomeranian breed, a breed with more coat than the body, with long silky hair, a pointed muzzle, and pricked ears. He sometimes sneaked into my room and lay next to me on the bed.
“Marshmallow... I hate myself. I desire to just die sometimes.” I sobbed, and the dog repeated licking off the tears. “Only you are here for me. The only one who truly cares and loves me.”
I wrapped my arms around the small fluffy ball. “Please, don’t leave me.”
At dinner, I shuffled the curry with a fork, because I always ate everything with a fork and a knife.
“You didn’t rewash the dishes! Is it too much for you to do? No need to be so lazy.” Mom shook her head, and I only lowered my head.
My parents, including both sisters and me, sat at a dining table. Parents bought this house recently, and then dad’s firm bankrupted, we were almost unable to keep it. Now we barely have enough money.
“You couldn’t take Marshmallow for a walk too! And according to your grades, you don’t study enough.” from dad’s tone, I sensed disappointment, feeling worse. “I’m sorry I let you down,” I said quietly.
Dad only sighed. “Start trying and stop being lazy unless you desire to be punished.”
“I was also left behind! You promised you would help me with the homework.” Mai, my younger sister, frowned at me.
“I am sorry,” I mumbled.
“Well, I’ll check the homework if he can’t help you.” Mizuki offered, and Mai nodded.
I pushed the dish away and got up. The older sister gazed up at me in surprise. “Where are you going?”
Nevertheless, not answering, I walked upstairs. I locked the door behind myself and fell into a sit, sobbing again. I’m nothing but a disappointment to my parents! I’m a disappointment. Why am I so unmotivated?! It feels like nothing matters anymore! It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I suck. I let everyone down.
I cried and sobbed, covering the sobs with my mouth.
I cried myself to sleep, not taking a shower or dressing in pajamas. Not having enough energy, all I could do is cry and feel like I messed up everything.
Someone knocked on my door. It was time to go to school. Yet, I refused.
“Pabs! Time to go to school!”
“I don’t want to,” I mumbled.
“I refuse to,” I repeated.
“Hey, are you okay there?” asked my older sister, who was sent to check on me.
“I’m fine,” I answered quietly as I sat on my bed and walked to the entrance slowly, unlocking it.
“Huh, you look horrible. Get going, you lazy ass.”
I only nodded and got dressed in the gakuran, walking downstairs.
“The breakfast is on the table.”
“I don’t refuse to.” I refused and walked past her.
“Hey, eat at least something!”
“Shut up! I don’t want to eat!” I yelled at my sister, who stared at me in surprise. “YOU WILL NOT RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ME, GOT THAT?”
“Whatever. WHATEVER! I no longer care!” I suddenly sobbed, “Leave me alone, please. Leave me alone!” I cried.
Mizuki’s expression turned from angry to surprised as she saw my tears. I slammed the door to her face, leaving her worried.
I decided not to go to school today. I wandered around and returned about when our classes were coming to an end. I regret this immediately when I saw Fujioka with Hamasaki. We saw each other, and Fujioka smirked quickly. “Here you are.”
Not knowing what to do, realizing I’m alone in the park, I gulped, trying to leave quickly or run, however, my limping limb said no. Hamasaki appeared behind Fujioka and me in front of me. He grabbed my collar and began choking me. I gasped for air.
“What did you think that you can run?”
“I don’t know! I don’t know!”
“Huh, look how desperate he is,” Fujioka smirked and dropped me in a few seconds. Except that I stood in front of a fountain and now fell in the water. “So, you wouldn’t show it in school.”
The liquid drenched my clothes and hair.
“You appear uglier with wet hair. And one would say you can’t look uglier.”
I kept a straight face, not answering. With my bangs covering the eyes, I couldn’t lock eyes with my bullies properly.
Blonde kicked me, as the surface was shallow. This pushed me into a jet, and I gasped for air quickly. Crawling away and getting up as the bullies laughed at me. I stared down, gulping.
“A failure is all you are!” Hamasaki laughed.
I got out, with my clothes and hair wholly drenched. “Oh, and what is this?” Redhead smirked, seeing my randoseru.
“No, that’s my –” I blurted too late. They opened my bag and threw the content into the surface. I stared at my drenched books in shock.
“Wish you luck receiving new ones!” Hamasaki snickered, and Fujioka kicked me again, almost causing me to lose balance and fall again.
“See you tomorrow, loser,” Tomoya smirked, leaving.
I crawled into the fountain, shakily, picking the drenched books. Everything was lost. At least the phone survived.
I felt tears in my eyes, putting everything in my bag and having to walk like this. Everyone stared at me, and some people from our school noticed and laughed. I stared at the ground and trudged home.
At home, I entered the bathroom, searching for something. I found a jar of pills and thought of overdosing myself. I spilled the content into my hand and threw it into my mouth, however, spat them out at the same moment. I can’t kill myself properly! Sobbing again, I noticed a razor blade. I cut my hand with it; it hurt a lot.
I suddenly realized what I’ve done and freaked out, throwing the blade. Nevertheless, soon picking it up again. I will try to end it today. I don’t see a reason to keep going on. I watched the hand bleed and the blood dripping. Should I slit my wrists? No, it’s painful and...
I heard the door behind me open. I hid the razor blade in the pocket of the gakuran and put my hand behind me.
“Pabs?” Mizuki asked in surprise, “what are you...?”
Then she saw the blood in front of me. “What is... what are you...” her eyes opened wide in fear as she took a step forward, seeing the hand behind my back and the blade in my pocket.
“You didn’t try to...” she couldn’t finish the sentence, finding the spilled pills that seemed like someone spat them out.
I got up quickly, limping. “I’m fine!”
Mizuki tried to walk closer; nonetheless, I ran past her to my room.
“NO! WAIT!” she yelled in despair and tried to open the I locked. “Don’t, I beg you, don’t!”
She was unable to get in and banged on it; I locked the room. “Kindly, open! I’ll do anything!”
She probably realized I can jump through the window in the room. And she knew this would be how her brother dies. “Please! Pabs!”
I knew no answer is adding to her fear, as she slammed the gateway with her shoulder, only dislocating it and groaning in pain. “Please open!”
She sobbed, “don’t do this! We love you! Even if it doesn’t seem so, we do! Please... we can’t lose you.”
“You don’t care about me anyway; I’m a disappointment to all of you.”
“You’re not a disappointment...”
“I can’t receive good grades, get outta the bed, or make a friend, I’m a failure on a whole new level!”
“You’re not! I beg you, open...”
“Liar! You don’t care; you only care about yourself and me not doing what you want.”
“Not true...” Mizuki suddenly dashed into a bathroom, hoping it’s not too late. She found a needle, thankful this is where they keep them. She inserted the needle in the hole and twisted it until the lock opened, and she opened the door. My sister gasped, seeing me a few inches away from the window I faced.
She moved closer quietly, hoping I won’t hear her. I took a step closer, suddenly jumping on the window.
Mizuki ran as fastest as possible. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath...