Chapter 46 - The collapse
I couldn't fall asleep; the voices just wouldn't let me. Unable to run away, I've had to listen to them commenting on everything I've done and did. Left with no other options, I walked around my room, resembling a lion in a small cage, or curling into a ball on the ground. Whispering, it's going to be okay.
In despair, I have grabbed the jar with pills and took some. The voices continued; pills weren't helping. Maybe I should increase the dose or try different ones.
"What are the pills called?" I picked up the jar. However, the label on it was old, and the text blurred. "Anti..." was the only readable text. "Anti what? Antidepressants?"
I googled antidepressant side effects. "Weird dreams. Dry mouth, diarrhea, jitteriness, nausea, increased appetite and weight gain, loss of sexual desire, erectile dysfunction, fatigue and drowsiness, blurred vision, irritability, anxiety..."
I have weird dreams, dry mouth, fatigue and drowsiness, blurred vision... These have to be antidepressants. I know Pablo was taking them when we first met. If he had this kind of side effect, no wonder he was so moody. It actually makes sense. If he switched to another antidepressants than he was used to take. Or if he stopped taking depressants and sooner began retaking them.
For the rest of the holidays, I appeared moody and easily angered. I even barked at people pacing around outside or the pizza man, classmates at my school too.
I was the first one in the class, and someone stepped inside the room. "Hi, Sakura!"
"What do you want?" I asked coldly.
"I just wanted to say hi." The student answered. "Geez, someone didn't have enough sleep today."
"You know what? You're right. I couldn't and can't fall asleep at all!" I barked and left. The student just watched me leaving in surprise. "Girls." he shrugged and turned to his friend who strolled in at the moment. "Do you think she just got her period?"
"I'm pretty sure." he answered, "She's kinda hot even when she's angry, tho."
I sooner returned to my seat, understanding what Pablo went through. He came into the class and placed the randoseru on his desk right before our lessons. Pablo placed an exercise book and world books on his desk. "Oh, hey, Ku! How were the holidays?"
I received a smile from him; then he saw my head is placed on the desk. "Ku?"
Slowly raising my head, I looked at him. Pablo looked quite happy.
"I see. Did you enjoy New Year's Day?"
Nodding, I attempted to behave normally.
"How about the rest of the holidays?"
I sighed in annoyance. "It was fine. Can you stop asking?"
"Okay..." he said and sat on his seat as he was standing before, watching me inconspicuously. I faced Pablo and barked at him. "What are you staring at?" He quickly shifted his gaze away.
Does it even matter if I'll act badly towards him? Sometimes it's in my dreams, and I'm not sure if it really happened.
We wrote a history test, and because it was easy, we received our grades early on the same day. I felt terrible as the test was easy, and I couldn't concentrate. The teacher made some notes because I missed some of the homework. I only lowered my head and watched my knees with clenched fists.
In math class, I got a low percentage of points, failing another test. At the literature hour, I handed the teacher a blank paper. Hopefully, he didn't look at it.
"Are you okay?" Pablo asked me at the end of the literature class, sounding concerned. "I'm fine." I glared and left the classroom, going to the ladies' restroom, where I cried and forced another few pills into myself.
Before starting another class, I returned and ignored Pablo completely or gave him a cold answer.
"Are you sure you're okay?"
"Why? Is there really something that bothers you?"
"Why do you want to know?"
"I'm just trying to help."
"It's my thing."
"Sorry that I ever asked." objected Pablo, angrily shooting me a glare. And ignored me for a while. I didn't want to do this. The voices were making it unbearable, and I vented my stress on him.
"What are you staring at?" was the question I asked every time Pablo just glanced at me. "I'm not even looking at you," he responded impatiently.
I shrugged. "So what? You did look at me earlier."
"I can look everywhere I want."
"Oh, really? So would you peek at some random girl showering through the window?"
"What? That's not the way I meant it. Why are you acting this way?"
"So, what if I am."
"You're acting really salty."
"I'm not in the mood."
"That isn't an excuse to behave this way."
"So what? Do I look like I care?"
"Do you know what! Just forget it!" Pablo shouted. He has never done that to me before. Thus I shut my mouth immediately.
Unable to fall asleep again, I rolled from side to side on my bed, covering my ears. "SHUT UP! PLEASE!" Stupid. Stupid. Why did you treat your best friend like that?! Does he deserve it?!
"No! No! He doesn't!"
THEN WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?! Stupid cow. Or perhaps you're right; he deserves it. He's a future murderer.
"I'm pretty sure he's gonna become a future murderer because she's acting so mean towards him." The voice taunted me.
The next day I came to school like always, browsing social media on the phone.
"Hi." Pablo greeted me, aloofly, and I did the same. It's similar to Mei. I'm doing it again. I thought I could change.
"Hey, you really don't look good."
"Oh, wow. I know that too. Can't you see that, idiot?"
"Don't call me an idiot."
"And what am I supposed to call a stupid person?"
"Excuse me? I'm not stupid. You can just call me by my name."
"Don't call me an idiot."
"I can call you whatever I want."
"Know what? You're right. But that doesn't mean I will tolerate it."
"Who cares if you'll tolerate it or not?"
"I don't have to be your friend or anything, you know."
"Neither do I. But if you won't be my friend, you won't have any friends."
Pablo twitched. "It's better to have no Friends or girlfriends than toxic ones," he answered coldly.
His words cracked my heart a bit, although I knew he's right. I lowered my head and couldn't stop the tears this time. I sobbed and placed hands on my face. "I... am... sorry," I whispered. Pablo noticed me and looked surprised.
"I d-didn't m-mean to..." something happened to me, and I couldn't finish. It was probably a bad idea to eat those pills again because I got up suddenly very dizzy. Then, my vision became blurry, and I fell, probably hitting my chair. It fell over with me. I remember the pain and someone's voice. The world became... black.