Chapter 50 - Kurumi's goodbye letter
I couldn't take it anymore. The great hopelessness, the trauma eating me from the inside, the voices... I decided to write Pablo a letter explaining everything. And after it's done... What will I do? Just die? I'll see...
I clenched my fingers around a quill, candle illuminating the paper I ripped out from my diary. I wrote:
"Hello, Pablo, I just want to thank you for everything you've done for me. I've been going through something hard, and I cannot take it anymore. I'm not sure how to thank you enough; you consoled me every time sadness rolled over, you cared about me, made me that birthday party... You have no idea how much it meant.
But, I can no longer be happy, nothing works, I don't know what to do. I wanted to tell you my past, being afraid that you'll hate me if I tell you. After all, you've said people who bully or bullied others deserve to die.
I have heard voices in my head a lot lately. I'm scared of telling anyone; what if they'll think I'm insane and push me away? Abandon me?
It's been unbearable lately. It made me mistreat you; you didn't deserve it! I was so cold; I want to say that I am sorry.
Where do I start? It's unspeakable to talk about, that's why I'm writing this letter. Why did I think you'll hate me?
Because I've bullied Mei in the past, really badly. Because I attacked my ex-boyfriend. And why should you even believe me? There are news articles... You've been bullied badly. You wouldn't like me anymore. And hearing voices... Everyone expects an insane psychopath, driven to do terrible crimes. It makes you hate yourself. You become a prisoner trapped in your own mind, with nowhere to escape. If you can't trust your own brain, then who?
I just wanted to die in all these years, especially after Mei's death; life made no sense; I've been at an orphanage, my mom hated me. She'd leave me locked in the apartment for hours. Came back late at night.
She'd show me disgusting things. Gore, blood, horror movies... I was terrified afterward, and she just laughed at me. I was taught that crime is okay, taught to steal, and bully others.
My mom's behavior resulted in me not having any friends. The loneliness was terrible, so I made an imaginary friend. She'd support me in these actions. I still see her. She says she saved me, yet she caused me too much pain, forced me to do things I didn't want to do.
I desired to forget, but these flashbacks and nightmares refuse to disappear. They drive me insane. Even if I already am.
Yeah, it all started with dad's disappearance and mom changing her behavior toward me. Then I met my imaginary friend Shinshu, who did something with me, encouraging and making me bully others. She'd threaten me when I refused. These voices began when I met her. She's the cause! And nobody will believe me!
She forced me to do terrible things to Mei. I stood up to Shinshu one day, apologizing to Mei. We became best friends. She was the only person who truly cared, wanted to know me, would do anything to cheer me up.
In the past, Mei organized me a birthday party; when my mom refused to buy me any gifts or celebrate my birthday, we never celebrated anything. I became attached to her. She'd always attempt to cheer me up, was always there for me. A person like her is infrequent. I saw her in you.
Something that shouldn't happen has happened. I don't know if I even remember it right. We entered some street, and someone ended Mei in front of me. You already know that.
But you don't know I tried to commit suicide. Life without Mei didn't make sense. The past is repeating, and life without you doesn't make sense either.
I love you, Pablo. I love you so much. I thought you'd know I hear voices, and about my past, you won't like me anymore. Or leave me. How can you bear loving someone so emotionally unbalanced, like me? It's too emotionally draining. In the end, I know you'll leave. Like my mom did. You'll let me go. But who do I have, if not you?! I'll be there to die alone. Accomplishing my dream of finding true love, and what is it for?! You've fallen, and it's my fault! Let me tell you; misery is all this girl brings. I'm the cause of mom's behavior, Mei's suffering, her death, My ex Keichii's broken bones, your fall, and worrying. If I were never born, none of this would happen.
My heart is bleeding under the thought of leaving you. I've never loved someone so much, not even Mei. You're my everything, and I can't bear losing it. I can't bear these voices, nightmares, flashbacks, what is around; it's all too stressful. Well, now you're probably more likely to hate me, ask why did I leave. I'm struggling to survive.
You don't know how it's like to go through the same pain every day. Pretend you're okay, hide what bothers you, try to be like others. I'll soon have to leave because my life is too painful to handle.
It hurts deeply when you have to leave because of your pain. I'm hopeless; nothing works, I don't want to live, I don't want to die, everything is black, then white, I don't know what's wrong.
These voices reminding me every day what has happened, telling me it is all my fault that you'll really hate me, the nightmares, I can't escape it. It shatters my heart into pieces, these dreams in which you reject me and push me away for being myself. For revealing who I truly am. A mentally unstable mess of bottled up emotions, constantly crying, insane, someone who'll never be normal.
You'd suffer with me, worrying; it would be stressful. You'll be better without me. Everyone will. It all makes me confused. Is it my fault or whose? I could have avoided some things; why didn't I avoid them, then?
To help myself with the condition, I used some pills my mom left behind. I don't know what's inside, what are they made from. They're the only thing helping, but I needed to increase the dose every day. I almost overdosed this time.
And Keichii? He only used me for his greed. When he got what he desired, he'd throw me anyway. It's an immeasurable pain when you change to someone's liking. He doesn't know how much I tried to be perfect. It hurts my heart. Allowing him to do all these things, I ought not to.
Loving someone who you know can't love you, yet you believe... And it's painful. When you realize all your hidden thoughts you tried to surpass were true. And the person you love will never care.
Maybe... You can understand, though. You were also in a similar situation, unable to tell anyone, pretending you're okay. I probably forgot; I apologize. The situation has been worsening lately.
There's no hope in me that you'd accept me the way I am. You'll send me to a psychiatric hospital, never wishing to hear from me again. In the end, you'll get a different best friend... Girlfriend... Who won't be crazy. I'm sorry for being like this. Nobody would love a monster like me.
I'm too complicated even to understand. With my condition worsening, and you in the hospital, probably never waking up again.., I can't take the guilt. I failed to save another person in my life. Even if you never read this, someone throws it away... It's fine. My emotions have been spoken.
Again, I'm very sorry for the misery I caused. For the pain, I'll cause. Yet, I believe you'll be better without me.
I love you, and after I die, my love for you will still be there, in this letter. I have never loved someone more; my heart is breaking already. It hurts.... what do I do.
Can't decide to have to leave maybe don't please help me accept me save this nightmare never wanted to end my pain
Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY
I love you deeply in this world. I struggle to stay.