Chapter 33 - Suicide
I watched the birds behind the window. I wish some things never happened because somebody can't say some things out loud. I also realize Christmas is coming. I wonder if I'll receive any gifts. Here in Japan, Christmas is more likely for couples and is like Valentine. The most romantic time of the year. I celebrated my birthday with Pablo and Mizuki. Would his parents be okay with Christmas too? Yeah... he mentioned the event before.
"What do you wish for?!" I snapped.
"I just wanted to talk."
"Go away, Pablo."
"Don't you know what go away means?" I objected.
"I just came to say that you could celebrate Christmas with us."
"I never celebrate. What for?"
"I don't want you to be alone."
"What? I'll be alone, anyway. Christmas is just for couples –"
"And aren't we a couple now?" he interrupted me.
But if Pablo didn't come to school because he is sick, he is probably going to be sick at Christmas too. In that case, I will be unable to celebrate with them. Possibly, none of the world surrounding me is real. This world could just be my imagination. Pablo was always kind to me, or not? Maybe I have put a rose glasses on, and everyone is not so lovely as they seem. Or possibly Pablo doesn't exist at all.
Is it possible that because of my loneliness, I created a whole new universe?
Outside were falling raindrops of snow, messed up as my mood. I hated this kind of weather and had to go through this to reach my apartment. I couldn't pay much attention to classes. Intrusive thoughts refused to leave my mind.
At home, I made myself some hot chocolate and sat on my bed. I wagged and bumped into something with my right leg. I picked up the girl demon plushie and looked at it. The red eyes should be staring in my soul. Instead, the plushie is cute. With the plushie in hand, I fell into my bed, too unmotivated to do anything. I closed my eyes and lay until the exhaustion hit me.
Like expected, Pablo was nowhere. Was he even real? Today the time passes suspiciously slowly. An hour seemed like a day, every minute like an hour. Every second resembles a minute. The world is black and white, and life is a stereotype. Is the world worth living? I don't know why do I suddenly feel this way. Why do I feel like our relationship was all just a dream?
Nobody approached me, and I had to think about the first year of high school. Mei died right before we were supposed to go. I could go with her; instead, I went alone. My appearance and attitude were weird. The cheerful, happy girl became an unhappy girl who never talked—the girl who wanted to die—the girl whose suicidal attempt was unsuccessful.
[Flashback/AFTER MEI'S DEATH]:
I heard something beeping. I had no idea where I am, but I lay somewhere, and no raindrops fell on my face. Perhaps it stopped raining. I was in heaven or hell. The surface felt warm, and voices surrounded me. I felt confusion and pain. I couldn't open my eyes, being too exhausted.
The voices became more apparent. "How is she?"
"She survived being stabbed in the stomach. Her ankle is sprained, but I'm not sure if she overcomes the shock."
"Oh, poor girl. I can't even imagine being in such a situation."
"Indeed. And the other girl..."
"It's too sad. The reality is going to be overwhelming for her. Should we tell her?"
"It's going to be another shock. She needs to relax."
They told me what happened a couple of days later.
I opened my eyes quickly and then closed them again, due to the bright light. I placed a hand on my eyes until they got used to the light. Blinking, a white ceiling came into my sights. Beside me stood a nightstand and a strange beeping machine. A strange bandage with cable covered my wrist. Moving my head to the left, I saw more people lying on beds. This place must be a hospital.
I tried to sit; however, a terrible pain occurred, causing me too scream and place my hand on the stomach.
The nurses who talked about me turned around. One of them reached me quickly. "Relax. You've been through surgery."
"Where am I? Where's Mei?!" I almost got up again; nevertheless, the nurse pushed me back. I groaned from the pain.
"Calm down. It's only going to hurt you, let it heal."
"Where's Mei?!" I almost screamed.
"Who's Mei? The girl with dark brown hair police found?"
I nodded, and the nurse fixed me with a stare.
"She's not here."
"Where is she then?!"
"She's not here. She was in this hospital, though."
"If she's not in this hospital, then where?"
No. Mei couldn't be dead. She can't die! Mei can't be dead! This isn't true...
"Doctors did everything they could. Unfortunately, it was too late." The nurse gifted me with a sad expression. "The police didn't make it in time when they got there; she was almost dead." She shook her head. "Doctors brought her to the hospital, trying to make her heart pound again. She died when the police found her. We're truly sorry for your loss."
My whole world just broke. My head fell in the pillow, and I stared at the nurse, unable to say a word.
"We tried contacting your mom. She didn't pick up and wasn't even home."
I gulped my tears, unable to help myself; they burst out of my eyes. I began sobbing loudly, desperately, and heartbreakingly.
The nurses gave me pills for chilling. I almost choked on them because of the sobs.
Mei will never have a family. She will never see growing me up, my children, she won't have her children. She won't go to college. We won't go to high school together. She will never become a professional artist. Her dreams will never come true. I don't have a best friend anymore. I don't have anyone. My mom doesn't care; Mei is... gone forever and ever.
Terrible hopelessness destroyed everything. I hoped I could see Mei once again. The nurses only announced that mom got sent to a psychiatric hospital; that's why she can't visit me. I just dropped a tear hearing that.
When they released me, I had to go to an orphanage. Before I entered my new home, they let me return to my old apartment and bring stuff. With a shock, I realized mom threw all the toys away.
I checked in the trash bin, but everything was broken or ruined. It made me cry again. The only thing I found unbroken in the container was a black plain wide plain choker. I hugged it, wrapping the necklace around my neck.
Everything at the orphanage was old, the furniture, toys and I received some torn oversized old clothes.
I later cried in there, surrounded by other kids and hysterical screaming. I covered my ears.
The old room with plaster falling out reminded me of the apartment I lived in. Unable to sleep, I cried and stared into my pillow. When I did fall into a restless sleep, Mei visited me in my dreams and blamed me for her death.
Due to the orphanage, I couldn't attend Mei's funeral to say the final goodbye. Nobody wanted to be friends with me, and I experienced terrible loneliness, no support, and affection. I understood if I died, nobody cared.
Every day resembled a monthly month; every week seemed like a year. I desired to be with Mei, even if not at her funeral. I had to die.
I counted days, knowing my pain will soon be over. On the day of Mei's funeral, I slipped outside at night while everyone was asleep. I sat on the lawn of a newly cut garden and raised head to the full moon. It reflected in my eyes and hair, making it glow. I picked up the knife I dropped on the lawn, borrowed from the kitchen.
I hesitated and cut my hand first to see how much it hurts. I gasped in pain, decided to go for a quicker death. Yet, talk to Mei first.
"Mei. I'm so glad for everything you've done for me. And now it's the time for me to leave this world. Soon, we will be together. You won't be alone. I don't have anyone to live with. I couldn't attend your funeral because they refused to allow me. The caretakers don't understand me at all. They don't get it how it was like. Nobody does or will. I just w-wanted to be loved. Love, somebody who would truly love me. And you were the one. Now you're dead, and I'm here unloved. I have a feeling nobody loved me since my m-mom's behavior changed. And to apologize for being unable to attend your funeral, I want to join you."
I held the knife under my chin, the blade shaking, touching my neck. "I l-love you, Mei. I always will. You were the best friend I ever had. Thank you."
I rotated the knife in a straight angle and tugged with the knife's blade. It cut my neck. My blood gushing from my neck covered the lawn in red.
I fell on the ground, holding the knife. Tears dropped from my eyes.
"Mei... We'll be together soon. Forever. You won't be alone." I said in a too shaky high pitched voice.
The blood covered the lawn, the walls, the knife, my clothes, everything. The last thing I saw was the full moon. The last thing I heard was someone yelling in surprise.