Chapter 34 - The blue glowing fire
My head fell in my hands. I can't stop these flashbacks and memories—the pain in my chest and head. I closed my eyes and sketched a picture of two happy girls sitting at a table at a cafeteria.
I had no motivation to continue and dropped the pencil. It rolled and fell under my desk. Instead of reaching for the object, I stared at the drawing lifelessly.
Without Mei and Pablo, I am nothing. I have nothing to pretend and no reason to be happy.
My heart is breaking. I resemble a porcelain doll. With every more death, I crack more. I experienced so many deaths. And there is only one person who can fix me.
I want to scream! I want to have a family like everyone else! I want Mei to be alive! I want to look Japanese! I don't desire to hear voices! I don't wish to live this life!
I placed my head on the desk and pretended to be asleep.
My life is an emotional rollercoaster. When is it going to be over?
Barefoot, I paced my way past a lake with rolling waves. Strangely, it was too small to be sea, yet waves showed in it. I passed a lighthouse in the background and suddenly stopped. Everything felt normal, no questions asked.
I heard footsteps behind me, and Pablo came into my sights. We walked together in silence, till we sat near the shore and watched the full moon.
This place seems peaceful. I somehow experience a feeling of belonging. It always seemed that I don't belong anywhere, so why now? This place doesn't even feel like planet Earth.
Our reflection in the water changed. It scared me, and I got up. I guess Pablo felt the same as he quickly raised too.
A person walked out of the water and handed me a blue, glowing fire, which appeared in their hand.
Before I could object anything, the fire showed in my hand, and I wanted to scream; nevertheless my voice was stuck.
To my surprise, it didn't hurt, the fire being warm and comforting. I calmed down and continued holding it, having a feeling this already happened or will happen. Pablo only quietly watched me until the person smiled and took it back.
They clenched their fist, and the flame disappeared. I couldn't recognize their face, but I had a feeling it's the same person as the one I saw earlier. The one I saw when these gangsters attacked me.
I wondered who they could be because I knew for sure they aren't me. How could they?
Afterward, the person spoke with a smile: "I saved you.", leaving me in a state of great confusion.
On Saturday, I visited Pablo's house. I could not keep quiet for any longer and decided to tell him everything. Nevertheless, I was anxious. Would he take it? What if he starts seeing me differently and pushes me away?
"I ought to tell you something," I mumbled.
"Hm?" he grinned at me. "What do you want to tell me?"
"Okay..." he replied insecurely.
I began talking about my mom, Shinshu, Mei, Keiichi... hoping he will understand. Tears traveled my face; speaking of it ripped my soul in half.
Pablo was looking at me, speechless. His smile melted and he frowned and shook his head in unbelief. "You're not who I thought you are," he answered. "Why...?"
"Y-you understand, right?"
"No. I don't."
"I didn't tell you. I was scared if I did, you would hate me."
He crossed arms on his chest. "I'm sorry... I don't think I can take this. You're not my friend."
"What do you mean?!"
"I trusted you, but I don't think this friendship is gonna work anymore... I just... This is too much." he continued shaking his head.
"W-What do y-you mean?!"
"You're not who I thought you are. You aren't my friend. You're fake and toxic."
"NO! P-PLEASE! I'M NOT LIKE THAT ANYMORE!"
"People don't change." he answered, "You betrayed me. I trusted you."
"No! It's not how it looks like!"
"It's exactly how it looks like—you liar. You made everything up. I don't believe you. Or maybe I do. And now I know what you truly are."
"NO! YOU'RE NOT LIKE THIS! YOU WERE ALWAYS VERY UNDERSTANDING!"
"Because I thought you are telling me the truth!" he shouted. "We shouldn't be friends anymore."
"I guess... My biggest fear was real. YOU AREN'T WHO I THOUGHT YOU ARE EITHER!"
"SO ARE YOU!" he yelled back, slapping me. "I WAS ONLY NICE TO YOU BECAUSE I FELT SORRY! YOU ARE ROTTEN!"
"N-NO! I AM NOT ROTTEN ANYMORE! PLEASE GIVE ME A SECOND CHANCE!"
"NO! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU! DON'T EVEN COME TO MY PLACE AGAIN! I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!"
Why is he evil? What did I expect? It's my fault because of what I did in the past.
"GET OUT!" he yelled, and I ran away, crying. Now my heart is broken. Of course... Who wouldn't react this way? Who would understand?
I trimmed over a branch and fell, face buried in the ground. My face was bruised and nose bleeding. Pablo chose not to chase me. He abandoned me and broke my heart. One shared a dark secret... And our friendship is over. People who I care about are all the same. Friendly and kind on the outside, but when you need them the most, you realize how rotten they are. Why did they leave me? WHY DID ALL OF THEM LEAVE ME?!
"WHY DID THEY LEAVE ME?!" I yelled, and my words echoed through the room. I breathed heavily, a few seconds after I realized what I have said. A single tear reached my cheek.
With surprise, I found myself in an empty classroom. Where is everyone? I looked at the clock and realized I was in the wrong room all along. I fell asleep and now woke up. It appears our lessons are already over. And when I wasn't sleeping, I stared at the ceiling lifelessly. Or did I not?
Of course, the students from this room went on a trip. It wasn't a very used space overall, that's why nobody wandered here. And did nobody look for me?
Well, no one truly cares. I only paid attention to Pablo, and I do not have any other friends. But why should I need some more? They could end up dead... They know nothing about me. Others won't understand me.
I rose and left the room, thinking I am not supposed to be here. I couldn't bring myself to care anyway.