Chapter 36 - The survival
I was too exhausted to fall asleep. No matter how hard I tried, it leads to nowhere. That's why I ended up staring at the ceiling. Just me and my annoying thoughts. The insane girl who wanted to die but didn't. Sometimes I wonder; Would it be better if I just died when I was supposed to?
[Kurumi's POV/AFTER MEI'S DEATH/THE PAST]:
Machine beeping again. Voices are talking and mumbling—pain in my neck. Just like before, I couldn't open my eyes, and when I finally could, the bright light forced me to close them again.
Without examining the room, I knew I am in the hospital. Nurses surrounding me mumbled about how lucky I am to survive. I couldn't believe I am still alive after all this time.
The nurses looked at me. "You're awake. Yes, you were fortunate to survive. Cutting your neck..."
"You almost died. It's good that caretakers found you, and there was a hospital nearby."
I refused to think about myself as lucky. The world became black and white again. I promised Mei we'll be together, that's how it is supposed to be. Why did I have to survive? Why can't I die? Tears soaked my cheeks. Why do I have to live?
"We have good news for you, though."
I raised my head and gazed at the nurse through my tears. I received another flashback on everything Mei did for me and felt my heart breaking in pieces. The only one who truly loved and cared, when mom was mean and didn't care. That was Mei. Now, Mei, she is gone. And I should be too.
I ought to start anew, die, and wait to become reincarnated as someone else. And I wished to be someone else badly. Someone with a loving family who hasn't been through trauma has fantastic parents, boyfriend, and best friend. Or to change the past. Don't make dad disappear; only if mom's behavior wouldn't change...
I would meet Mei, able to live happily ever after, but no.
I cried loudly and couldn't stop. Nurses tried calming me down, nothing helped. One of them said something; I refused to listen.
Only if mom never gave me birth. Mei would be alive. The Satou family wouldn't suffer. I turned into a bully. I'm a monster that brings misery. I deserve to die. I've never been loved... Why am I here? The children who said I am a monster we're right. I am, and I have the right to die. Then why...
"Why... WHY DO I HAVE TO SURVIVE?!"
"Mrs. Sakura, please calm down."
"YOU DON'T KNOW HOW IT'S LIKE!" I yelled at them. "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING! WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST LET ME DIE?!"
"It's okay. It's going to be okay." The nurse said sympathetically, and I wanted to beat her up. "DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!"
"Calm down, Mrs. Sakura. We have good news; your grandfather's condition got better. He decided to take you home after you get out of this hospital. You won't return to the orphanage."
I shot her a glare, tears continuing to soak my cheeks. "Oh, so he cares now?"
"Your grandfather was sick. He wanted to take care of you, yet doctors told him he's too sick. Now he got better and finally acquired the permission to take you home."
I sighed heavily while the person continued, "Here are your pills."
She handed me the pills and a cup of warm tea. "Swallow meds for your good."
I listened this time, completely broken. Talking hurts me. My voice is suddenly weird. It's high-pitched. I don't like it!
Every day seemed like a month. I had no idea how long I spent here, yet I didn't care.
A new scar appeared on my neck, due to the cut.
I hated myself at this point. The only thing I saved was the choker, so I covered the scar with it, once doctors put the bandages away.
A day later, the doctor walked up to me, saying I can go outside that my grandpa is waiting for me there. Why does he suddenly care?! Why did he let me go through this hell?!
I exited the building and met him in front of the hospital. He was a man in a wheelchair, with grey hair and tired eyes. Grandpa smiled at me. Still, I couldn't forgive him for not being there when I needed him. He must have known what my mom is doing and doesn't do anything.
I felt angry even when a taxi arrived to drive us to my new home. He attempted to start a conversation, yet I refused to speak. Crossing arms on my chest, I glared at him.
He doesn't love me. If he would, he'd be there. He didn't care. He could still come, even if my mother objected something. I hate my mother, and now I will hate him.
At my new home, he showed me where everything is. My room was upstairs, so I paced there, locked myself there, and cried. My blue striped pillow was drenched by tears when grandpa knocked on my wooden brown door, telling me lunch is on the table.
I shuffled the instant noodle soup with a spoon lifelessly. This isn't the life I want.
"Did you cry?" grandpa noticed.
"No!" I said too quickly, hating my new voice. I shouldn't have cut my neck, but I thought it would kill me promptly for sure!
"I've heard what happened." he continued, mixing the soup with a spoon too. "I'm sorry for everything I put you through. I was too sick and couldn't take you home, no matter how hard I tried. I did my best to recover, which is the reason you can be here. Please, don't do something stupid again. Life is worth it. And this year you'll start attending high school, that should be a new start."
I lowered my head instead of answering. I can't deal with anything; how am I able to endure a new beginning?
"I know it has been hard. I've been trying my best to talk to your mother. It isn't effortless, but I think one day you'll understand. Doctors gave me some pills for you to take, so be a good girl and take them, okay?"
I glanced at him and whispered in agreement. Is he been trying? If he'd been unsuccessful, couldn't he try harder?
I almost choked on the pill, drinking some tea on it. My first day of high school was coming, and I found myself in great distress.