Each day her wounds grew deeper,
my thoughts. my conscious. my vision.
All blurred with a deadly shade of crimson.
They say those who seek revenge should first dig a grave for themselves.
I shouldn't be here,
I know I should've left a while back but I can't.
Every cell present in my body refuses to move, enforcing me to stay put, almost as if I were paralysed.
It's frightening how killing takes so much out of you; as if a part of you is buried along with your victim.
An indescribable feeling washes over me, not guilt or any sort of remorse,
But instead "uncertainty".
I forced my eyes shut as my heart clenched at the sight.
I wanted this.
I reassured myself that they did; hoping that my conscious wouldn't be able to detect the lies I was forcing upon it.
Than why was it that my emotions claimed else what.
However, I of all people knew better than to let my emotions cloud my judgment.
I wonder if god ever felt remorse for murdering millions everyday,
If a part of him dies along with each person he kills.
Sometimes, I ponder if he regrets creating the universe, I bet he wouldn't have if he knew what was yet to come.
But doesn't he already know what's held for each one of us in the future?
He moulds and crafts us, every tiny detail spectacularly drawn, not a single hair out of its place.
He creates us so pure and pious than lowers us into a world of pride, hatred, envy and sin.
He claims that he sides the good, and only the right doers and yet he rewards the sinners.
Why is it that forgiving someone is impossibly hard but avenging your opponent feels incredibly satisfying?
As if a burden lifted off your shoulders?
They claim that an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind but why is it that revenge tastes far more delightful than simply forgetting?
A wise man once told me that surrendering is never an option.
It's either kill or be killed.
I was too naive and petty to comprehend his words back then but as I process everything that has happened not longer than a couple of hours back, I think I finally understand what he meant.
But if taking a life could result into emotionally digging a grave for yourself than why do we proceed to sin?
To harm ourselves just for the sake of harming someone else?
Why is it that he who has sworn that only the believers will be rewarded and the disbelievers will be punished for eternity when he created the evil in the first place?
Why create evil if it is beyond dangerous?
Why punish people he himself has created?
He says that he had written our fate 40 years before we were brought into this callous world, which indicates he knows our-
Before we even think about that them.
That why is it that he lets us do wrong?
Why is it that he wants to punish us as if he finds it entertaining?
To create and throw us into this hell excuse of a world and then shoot obstacles in our journey just for the sake of it, put us through hell, steal our loved ones, bombard us with emotions too much for us to handle?
That's the only sole question I ask?
If you knew what was about to happen, what I had planned ahead of me than why did you let me commit sin?
You claim you can do anything, than why hadn't you stopped me?
Is it because you find this entertaining?
Is all this a game to you?
Or is there a deadlier reason behind it?
Tears well up in my blood shot tired eyes as I build up courage to look away.
You say you let us make our own choices on the rights and the wrongs but you already had claimed that our fate is sealed.
From the women who is going to give birth me?
Who am I going to come across in this life?
When I am going to do what?
Who will I end up with and how am I going to be treated?
Will I beg for food or will I be rich enough to supply food to the needy?
From what I will I choose to how death will be graced upon me everything is already written.
So please do help me for I still fail to understand how any of this is my choice?
How any of this is based on my decisions?
And if so, than what would be different if I decided to ditch that party?
If I came home early that night?
If I didn't fly to Italy?
If I hadn't let my will to take revenge control me?
Would I have sinned then?
Would they still be here?
Would I still be here?