The only light in the room was entering through the single large window to my left. There were no blinds. "Mom should buy blinds, first thing." I thought.
This was my mom's new house. She was leaving, leaving us. I looked over out the window. My mother and the house proprietor came into view. Their figures were blurry. This was probably because I was laying at a strange angle. Or because I was half asleep. Or maybe it was because I didn’t have 20/20 vision. Could have been all three.
I focused my eyes anyway and the figures came in clearer. I heard my mom's flaky voice but I couldn’t make out what she was saying. The man who had just sold her the house was holding a clipboard and I heard his pen tapping against it. The sounds were distorted, but full and clear at the same time.
I looked back up at the ceiling and felt like I was a part of the room. Empty.
Mom wanted me to help set up with her furniture but I couldn’t motivate myself to think clearly. And because I couldn’t think clearly, I couldn’t stand up and help.
I smiled with my eyes closed and imagined my life somewhere else. Anywhere else that wasn’t this dusty small house.
I always thought my mom deserved better. A better house than this. A better husband that she didn't have to leave, and two better daughters. I could be the best daughter in the world.
I could jump up the second she opened the door. I could greet her and help her without hesitation. I could solve her problems. I could fix, and resolve the marriage with my father. I could make sure we were still a happy family.
All I wanted was to make sure everyone felt safe and proud, all I wanted was to make my family proud.
A sense of safety and security is one of the best feelings, I think. Everyone deserves to have the knowledge that someone, your family, is in your corner.
But my corner was soon to be split in half.
I often imagined a better life. A life where my dad would come home from work and not drink right away.
A life where my dad would come home and his happiness wouldn't be faked.
A life where he didn't have to try so hard to please my mother- it would just come naturally as it should.
A life where my sister and I saw eye to eye, a life where she cared more than just herself. But I knew nothing could change. Especially not now. So I continued to melt uncomfortably into the floor.