When the child I had been becomes this stranger creeping away like a creepy crawly afraid of her own shadow. I made the shadows sit up. I mouthed the words mother. There it was now no longer able to rely on my abilities. For they had left me flown somewhere else. The desires were there threefold but nothing happened to me except not now. This was the usual reply to all that I asked for. Not now. It was a something strange somehow nothing mattered not even I.
In place of a child there appeared a lacklustre formal childhood behind and the beginnings of a teenager. Resentful not restful and there seemed to be a lack of intellectual curiosity. As if an animal had taken its place. That the intellectual capacity seemed to have gone.
"This is not a good replacement if you are misbehaving just say so."
"Were you cruelly treated?"
"Yes so I'm I."
I felt the rage continue the near rape the rape of the boy the downstairs toilet all submerged into one giant cistern.
"What are you doing?"
"I am smashing that doll it is end of me and my childhood."
"Don't do that."
"And the piggy bank too and the other stuff all the stuff it is no longer important."
"Nothing is important."
"I don't need a bank I have money daddy says so."
"Which daddy are you talking about?"
"I don't know. I am confused in my head it is jumbled up."
"Need someone called a specialist."
"Fuck the specialists."
"Ready answers are not the same as care and all that."
"You up to something?"
"Everyone leaves in the end they all leave me desert me they are all gone. No more the lonely only thing that matters I am left alone discard."
"When life treats me bad I tear life away the curtain the veil the whole foolish thing. Tore down the curtain and in its place there were fools behaving badly wickedly evil frolics and all that maddening me. Suddenly I was in Tennyson play. I loved that. I got a bit excited and cried. Cried a dozen times and then ceased to be interested.
"No longer interested."
"Hey man got a creepy feeling."
"He running a mile."
"Not faster than light?"
"Well if the shambles had not happened like Jane he would have been with me."
"Ah Jane." He sighed.
"When passions rot."
"He needs a bigger shoe for that lady."
"Anyway what about the murder?"
"Yes the murder the woman died the children became creeps and all ended when the whole story was forgotten. She was nothing to do with that author. He said quite knowingly. It was your mistake. "I know what I do know. "
"You see the image of that woman is the same as the one in England."
" No it is assumptions. There you go it is making statements it is not true that woman so important a author you cannot make her image trashy. But the picture on the wall. Never mind dear it is not the same."
"I was quiet and did not know what to say. The woman in the picture was the same. Quite a likeness is it not to that important author? Why yes. I shrugged. The picture was hung in there with the rest of them. Who did she bear a likeness to? Well I do not want to say PD James but that would mean? Nothing doing just my mistake."
Time now a sea saw and the edge is cutting not now is now an old woman and there is nothing but memory in her glance as she shares the story which moved her and nourished her life. When not now was into nappies it began and now it is nearing its conclusion there was nothing right to say.
"The shame of it all."
"What is the shame?"
"A man with two women on his arm younger than his grand children."
"Well he must be wealthy."
"Do you think so?"
"Well what else can it be?"
"I have seen a lesbian Turkish film and want to try it out."
"No thanks mother."
"Only for a try."
"No obviously not the thing would never do."
"But who is to know?"
"I think not,"
"Stuff shirt all of you having fun and me without any fun at all."
"You can always go to a day centre told to you go out more often now look what has happened you think everyone a shag."
"You go to them day centres what do you seek in there?"
"Nothing much work there."
"What a waste of a life."
"Yes but people need me in there."
"And I don't?"
"What you need is to get a life of your own."
"No really. I will show you what a life I needy of."
"Mother I am away now gone into the garden and when I return no more."
She glances with that look as if she is a beaten down dog or something as if defeated by some fatal blow. I shrug there was not much left of us all. Somehow we were all defeated.
The little bomb has left us then? The fool has come in its place may we rest until tomorrows are nothing more than dust. Live life without intelligence and see what it might bring you.
"My brain is now warped?"
"It is gone."
When in the early to late seventies I was no more the child but something bad had happened to me. I could never tell anything from anyone. I had gone toothless as if the teeth had gone out of me. I had fallen in love got tongue tied and was in a bad situation money wise. There was nothing I liked to do except poetry and make believe and there was no money in such nonsense.
"Nonsense." Sighed everybody.
Signed me out. They had to from the caring world which saw I was hopeless and could not function in the real world.
Backwards and forwards swept along my intellectual mind and it functioned intermediately made abject confessions of disasters. I did not dine on it the hands were my real thing. They did all the work the mind just functioned as a hobby.
Shivering under the blanket for it was England and the language just hit and hurt me after myself had fled. That we are all now in some mortal fear? Even dad the bully they are always afraid if someone knocks on their door they are afraid of being punished or pushed around. No legal documents which meant they not allowed to stay in our house.
The child who knew everything was gone. I missed her sorely wished I was her again. But like my favourite toys had to grow up and look after the children for they would make the world right.