PAROXYSMS (What is on my mind?)

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Chapter 11


I found myself leaning against a wall surrounded by darkness. I was content ready to finish what I had started because what I had started was depleting me of my anguish. I for no wonder how long had buried this all inside, deep down in my soul. It was now after years I had finally found my salvation. My soul was being freed. I was being freed.

“Where were we?” his voice lurking around.

“Who are you Logan?”

“Shouldn’t the lady finish her story first?”

“I want to know you, please!”

There was a long pause from the other end before he began his story; “My name is Logan, I used to live here with my sister before you. She was raped and brutally murdered. The bastards got away and there was nothing I could do about it. Her death struck pain and grief in me every single day. Her not being their anymore, knowing she could never rest in peace if I did not bring her justice drove me crazy. It was excruciating. That is when I started drinking, doing drugs to take my mind of Jane and now here I am dead too.”

“Who were they?”

“I do not know, they found her body dumped on a wasteland.”

“Are you a spirit?”


“Did you get to see her?”



“Maybe she does not want to see me because I have failed her or maybe I was destined to meet with you so my spirit was locked up in this wall.”

“I am so sorry Logan!”

“If I only knew who they were.”

“How long have you been inside this wall?”

“A decade.”

“Is there any way to set you free?”

“You are my freedom Peel”


“I have been watching you since the day you have arrived, having you around makes me feel safe.”


“It’s all dark and lonely here, you are the light that I see across the tunnel.”


I did not know whether I truly made any difference to his existence but his presence was an enigmatic exuberant force acting on me. I felt alive after years and alive after Owen.


“Then what happened?” His voice snapped.

I closed my eyes resting my head on the wall walking down the memory lane narrating our story to Logan.


He was two years younger than me but was enrolled in the same class as I on my father’s demand. My father was a valuable asset for the school, especially for his funding to different scholarship programs. On his first day at school everyone wanted to know who he was, where he was from but he cared little about their anticipations and was discreet. Owen was not much of a talker but people were fascinated by his intellectual spirt. On the second day of school Alice Evans the popular elite girl at school sat beside him and that soon became the school’s new hot gossip. More people wanted to befriend him and that generated an incessant bridge between us. He stayed quiet on our way to school and back. He was now a part of Alice Evans large friend circle and soon there were rumors of them being love interests. My school life was mainly libraries, books and my writings. Two years passed by and Owen never even seemed to notice me just like everyone else. At junior high he was the schools rugby team captain, the same year over the schools summer break he had turned better looking. His body transformed with more muscle mass, well defined abs, skin more tanned and he was about six feet tall. Girls ogled his perfectly toned body with prominent arm veins. Some of them even tried befriending me to get close to him. Some thought we were cousins, some thought we lived nearby so shared the same ride and some thought we were family friends. Our relationship was complicated, I did not know what he told his friends. I cleared the air usually saying we just took a ride home from school and back due to our family convenience and there was nothing more than that. Painfully it was the truth. Owen never spoke to me and I wondered why. Maybe I was despicable to him, despising me because of my father’s deal. I stayed away to avoid any potential discompose. On our freshmen year there was a big house party at Jonathan’s house. He was on the schools rugby team and everyone was pretty much invited. Owen could never go to parties because he could not go without me and I was never really invited. That year I did not want to add up to his loathsome so I decided to go. Even though I did not have friends I was never unconfident. I wore white top with black jeans my long hair pulled into a ponytail and black eyeliner. My parents were happy that their daughter finally had her head out of books developing her social skills. Owen wore a red shirt unbuttoned over a white t-shirt and blue jeans and he looked handsome.

There was a huge crowd in the front porch, a bar-b-que fire was set at the corner. And a small bonfire for lighting lanterns was put on the other side. Lights flickered into red, blue and green shades on the inside visible through the front windows. As we stepped inside the front door we found ourselves amidst a storm of wildness as groups of hauling teenagers scattered across the place, dancing, singing, talking, playing video games and kissing. There was a diffusing exuberant energy of feral adrenaline rush among everyone present in the room. My sense of not belonging heightened up in amplitude. Owen walked behind me. Soon his friends huddled him and I absolutely had no idea what I was going to do next. Moments later I found myself standing alone at a corner timid and embarrassed before my nerve wrecked and I decided to leave. As I was heading on my way out I accidentally bumped into Paul spilling his drink over him. “What’s your problem freak?” he yelled out pushing me. I bumped into a flower vase breaking it. The music paused as everyone stared at me. Jonathan came out screaming “what the hell is wrong with you guys?” followed by Paul’s reply “the freak’s creating a show.” I swallowed hard not finding the right words for my apology. I opened my mouth and staggered into a gibberish. The boy came in close mimicking me in idiocy. I shut close my eyes trembling as he approached nearer. Suddenly I heard a thud followed by vague whispers in mirth. Owen stood in-between us, he had pushed Paul. Jonathan screamed out, “For Christ’s sake stop!” Owen pushed in his head bumping it hard with Paul’s giving him a morbid stare before pulling out my hand, leaving the party.


“That was some drama!” Logan’s voice tensed.

“A complete and utter mess!” I chuckled.

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