PAROXYSMS (What is on my mind?)

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Chapter 22

Dr. Bryan told her that she regularly had to take her medications and weekly had to attend her sessions. Initially she would have two sessions every week before the number were adjusted depending on her progress. The two sessions would be different. One would be private, between her and Dr. Bryan that would be kept highly confidential. The other would be the group session with different individuals.

After the group session had ended she was excused for the day. When she came out she found Mig seated on a couch in the hallway of the hospital entrance. She walked towards him and before he could speak she wrapped her arms around his neck embracing him. “I do not know what and why but thank you for being here.” He put her arms around her waist as she rested her head on his shoulders sobbing. He whispered, “I do not know what and why either Peel but I will be here.”

They drove to a nearby restaurant for lunch. She told him about the sessions, the stories, the wall and Logan. How she must have accidently broken the vodka bottle piercing herself with it subconsciously. Mig told her she could rest and resume work from home if she wanted to. She could even drop by at Foxan whenever she felt like it. This was the first ever time they had a proper conversation. He knew it was because of her despair, the weight in her chest that she needed to unburden. She needed someone to listen to her and so he sat there listening.

Mig waited a while at April’s apartment before she had arrived around 5 PM. She threw her arms across Peel in a tight embrace, exclaiming how upset she was for not being able to be there with her. The scornful look on her face was vivid enough for Mig to comprehend his presence in the residence was not welcomed. He left smirking at April as she burnt with rage. Peel stood there watching her frown as she slammed the door behind him.

After he left she narrated everything that had happened to her before they had dinner together and April made her watch her favorite horror movie “Bride of Frankenstein.” All Peel could think of was how lucky she was to have her beside her and that she had an abnormal taste in movies. At night she slept beside her. Peel could sense her fret and could see how much she cared. She was like a big sister always having her back and she was ashamed of the erotic imagination she had.

She recalled Carla’s story from the group session, a girl deluding she had a romantic relationship with her father, cheating on her mother. She had attempted suicide in shame only to realize later her father had died five years ago in a car accident.

Peel was afraid of how long she had been hallucinating, of weather Owen truly existed or not. She breathed in relief when she searched in for his paintings online. They were there with his photo next to some of the paintings. The same old ocean blue eyes, light brown skin, black hair nothing had changed. He was real but had anything truly happened behind that red door?

She had her private session after two days and April drove her to the hospital. Dr. Bryan was being his usual self, warm and welcoming. He was like a sunshine after the storm, she thought.

“Good to see you again Miss Peel!”

She nodded with a smile. He continued,

“These sessions are going to help you reconnect with yourself hopefully understanding what led you to your hallucinations.”

She nodded

“Whatever you will share will remain confidential and I need you to open up to me.”

She nodded again.

“Okay Peel, from Dr. Mason’s report I know you have cut injuries on your wrist. Were they self-inflicted?”

She looked down, interlocking her fingers, pausing a while before she replied in a low voice, “yes.”

“When did you do it?”

“At law school.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

She sat down mute, recklessly sliding her fingers in-between the interlocks. She swallowed before she replied, “I used to love someone more that I had ever loved anybody. When he left and we were no longer together, I had lost myself. I was in pain and it was excruciating. These cuts somehow eased my mental aches. I never intended to hurt myself physically but it just happened! After it happened it became a habit. I stopped when I realized it led me nowhere and since then I have not repeated it.”

“Dr. Mason’s reports also say that you used to hallucinate talking to your grandmother when you were a child.”

“I was really small back then but I have vivid memories of the things she told me, all the stories, her classic beauty tips.”

“Do you remember what she looked like?”

There was a long pause before she replied, “No.”

Tears streamed down her face as she realized she had never seen her grandmother. It was always a distant voice, serene whispers and sweet lullabies. Every night as her nanny Karen left putting her to bed she would hear the voice. Telling her the same stories from her favorite cartoon episodes, the ones that Karen would read with mere emotions, the lullabies her mother had stopped singing and the classic beauty tips she always heard her mother say belonged to her grandmother. Logan’s sister being raped and brutally murdered as the criminals got away was the story of Darcie Hungton she had covered in her last article “The rape prejudice”. Her brother had gone missing after a week of the incident. Some source stated he had the assailants identified and went for avenging his sister before they brutally slaughtered and burned him. The family grieved the loss of both their children.

Peel’s subconscious mind created exaggerated images of incidents or things she was deeply affected with. Hence her brain generated visual and auditory signals that caused her to hallucinate. The images and situations were so vivid that she could not tell apart the reel and the real.

“Is it okay if we could stop here today?”

“Of course dear” he smiled.

She was at her apartment after almost a week. It was locked after the Conwoods had left and April had never let her come back to the place. The guards had the spare keys and she had no restrictions to walk up to her own flat. She looked across her bedroom, the dining cabinet but she could not find the sticky note with Owens name on. She had to figure out another way to reach him. After much anticipation she mailed on the email address that was given on his website.

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