PAROXYSMS (What is on my mind?)

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Chapter 24

It had been three weeks since she had been living with April and attending her sessions at NHS. April realized the more she worried about Peel the more it made her feel things were not the same anymore and she was not normal. They casually took their turns dropping Peel off to her sessions, sometime letting her go all by herself. Her sessions with Dr. Bryan allowed her to grow more expressive and vocal. She could sense her improvements. The hallucinations happened less often, persisting shortly before she could snap back out of it. She started pinning her thoughts into a journal. This was one of the things Dr. Bryan had asked her to do. She wrote about what she wanted to do with her life, all the places she wanted to travel, all the colors she liked, her favorite scents, the things that made her smile, things she appreciated and the things she had forgiven herself for.

Owen had responded to the mail she had sent him. His reply was “I never wanted to hurt you, I truly care.” She now had her answers standing in front of her and it was time to let go. It was a Monday morning, she was at the lake Hollow Pond. Her eyes glimmered as she witnessed the beauty of nature. The fresh breeze, the smiling sun, the group of ducks, the ball of clouds. She was once afraid she would be left with no escape and that she would find herself drowning in the depths of despair. Tendrils of her deepest darkest fear had embraced her for so long and all this while if she only knew she was the light. She just had to let the anguish engulf her before reverberating into an exuberant spirit.

She took out a piece of paper from her journal as she began to write;

When we kissed, we thought we were in love but it was I who only loved, loved with my soul. I had bought him new oil paints and paint brushes. I wanted this to be his sweet surprise and I wanted to paint with him. It was lunch break and I knew everyone would be at the cafeteria. I just had to put them in his bag before he could come back to find it lying inside with the note I had written. “If love were a color it would be blue, you are the deepest ink of my affection Owen Blue.” I felt butterflies in my stomach contemplating the joy that will sparkle in his eyes and everything he would consider painting first. I was there standing outside the vibrant red classroom door. As I hold onto the door knob I see him inside. He was groping her breasts thrusting in inside her, as Alice Evans laid naked on the table. I waited till they finished. I did not want to barge in disturbing them. I waited till he would come out and tell me that he only loved me. He did tell me he loved me alongside saying he felt more comfortable with her. I knew it was difficult for him for the deal my father made and I was content that he never despised me. I had loved him every second of my existence even when I slept with all of them. I wept when they were inside me. I wept because I could not forget him even when I had allowed so many of them to lay their hands on me. I never found my comfort and I wondered how he had found his. I found my bliss when I slit my wrist with the blades. I let myself bleed till the pain I felt in my chest nullified in compensation with the cuts. I realize it now. I was the one still in love when he had fallen out of it and I was a child who saw what should have never been seen. I know that I am worthy of the equal love that I have once bestowed upon someone with serene purity. I was a child who deserved a normal childhood with sweet memories. If I could not have it then I will have it all now, till the next of every day of tomorrow.

- Peel Conwood

She folded the paper shaping it into a boat, letting it down the river. She watched as her paper boat flowed along the stream. She took out her phone and called Mig,

“I will be coming to office today, I have an idea for our next issue and we will be going for lunch afterwards, of course with Apri.”

Mig smiled as she hung up not even waiting for the response.

She knew she was broken and she knew she was broken to be fixed.

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